A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Where to even begin with this story? First of all, lol @ the notion of white supremacy in the United States. I do believe this continent was populated by natives who, you know, weren't so white centuries before white Europeans even knew this half of the world existed. Some of these not-so-white natives, like the Inca and Maya, were light years more advanced than the Europeans of the day. And lol @ the notion of white supremacy in general, seeing as how the human race began in Africa. White people are the mutants, having all the melanin sucked out of our skin by living in cold, rainy climates in northern Europe. We're the freaks! lolz, anyway...
Secondly, I hope the shooter realizes that not everyone who visits the Holocaust Museum is a Jew. I'm just sayin'. And how ridiculously ironic will it be if it's revealed his victims are white?
I was sure this would just be another in a long line of rampage shootings that dominates the headlines for a news cycle and then just goes away without us having applied what we learned from it, if anything. But I was wrong, at least so far. On the MSN website, the article about Miss California losing her title has more views that the article on this story. Anywayz, I'm sure the NRA is already planning a rally at the Holocaust Museum and state legislatures in the South are prepping to undo the few gun control measures they have because if there's anything random shootings should tell us, it's that we need less gun control in this country.
Monday, June 01, 2009
My other favorite story today was that the Taliban kidnapped, like, hundreds of kids in Pakistan. Which is impressive and horrifying, when you consider the Taliban have been annexing large tracts of land over the past few weeks and are a mere 60 miles from the Pakistani capital of Islamabad, which is where they happen to house the nuclear weapons that country possesses. OK, I thought the Taliban were soooo 2001. I thought al-Qaeda, swine flu, and Susan Boyle were the big foreign invaders we had to fear now. Oh yeah, then there's North Korea testing a-bombs and shitting all over ceasefire treaties. So thanks, Bush, for being too morally upstandin' to negotiate with terrorists. But hey, at least they haven't followed us home. Of course, they won't need to since most nukes are remote controlled.
All this and it's only June 1st.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Happy Memorial Day! It's America's favorite socialist holiday to celebrate the sacrifices made in the quest to defeat fascism and communism. Just so you don't think I'm ungrateful, I already lit a candle or two for the brave and courageous souls at Fox News who slave tirelessly to bring down the tyrannical President Obama and his band of communist cut throats in Congress. The patriotic sacrifices of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly need to be recognized, for their military records and years of public service allowed them to become the astute political commentators they are today. While past generations had to actually do stuff to be considered patriots, this gang figured out that simply saying stuff was good enough to illustrate one's loyalty to this great nation of ours. They truly took to heart the motto of my high school: "Words, Not Deeds." Wait, it's the other way around. Anyway.
In sum, true sacrifice is for terrorists and tax and spend liberals. The only thing we should require of our citizenry to win future wars is that they slap the "support our troops" magnets on their SUVs and memorize talking points. Classics include: "We're fighting them over there so they don't follow us home," "The oil will pay for the war," and "Mission accomplished." Allah Bless America.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I clearly know too much about this show. I admit I got sucked into some episodes in the earlier seasons because goddamn, those kids are freakin' adorable! But now it's all about product placements and skiing trips to Utah and million-dollar mansions. Since Mom and Dad don't have to have to work to pay the bills anymore, they quit budgeting and taking family trips to Sam's Club and doing whatever other "normal" shit that people identified with. Now they have to fill their free time with banging their bodyguards and partying with college kids (allegedly). Because, gat dam it, having eight children eight years and under just doesn't eat up your time the way you'd think it would!
I have zero sympathy for Jon and Kate. I've read a few articles/blog entries online about how bad people feel for Jon and how much of a pushy bitch Kate is but they're both adults. If Jon doesn't want to be a reality tv star anymore, then he can tell the cameras to leave and get a real job to support his family. But look on the bright side- all this publicity has to be terrific for the new season, which conveniently premieres this Monday and conveniently happens to be all about their recent marital travails. And I'm sure I'll be watching and waiting to judge.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Just wanted to comment on a few stories/events from the past few weeks:
1) Miss California. It never ceases to astound me how much emphasis we place on the opinions of random dumbasses. Whether it's Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, or Rush Limbaugh, we're always clamoring to dissect, debate, dismiss or deify the utterly inane comments of the utterly idiotic.
2) The Gay Marriage Wave In New England (And Fuckin' Iowa). This is something that totally caught me off guard in a completely terrific way. Who would have thought that the same state that launched Mike Huckabee into the national spotlight would have legalized gay marriage before California? Or New York? Or my home state of Maryland? We got some work to do to regain our commie crowns, *AHEM*
3) The Tea Parties of Last Month. Apparently nothing bothers Republicans more than the Democrats doing exactly what they do- namely spending shitloads of federal money. I was both amused and nonplussed while watching the Fox News coverage of the "tea party" protests of last month. While touted as a "non-partisan" event by proponents, I couldn't help but notice the crowds looked very white and very middle-aged. Favorite sign I spotted: "Obama bin-Lyin." Good to know the Republican Party is attempting to foster a new post-racial image to capture the hearts and minds of a new generation of voters. That sign is almost as good as when people were screaming "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" at McCain/Palin rallies last year. Almost.
4) Mark Your Calendars! A New Supreme Court Shitfight Is Afoot! Oh come on. Who isn't looking forward to this?! I always love the abortion litmus test that no one every really says is about abortion but we all know is about abortion. And just because I'm sexist, racist and a heterophobe, I hope Obama puts a black or Latina lesbian on the court. Nah seriously, it's about goddamn time the Democrats get to put a dude or chick on the Court after two George W. Bush apointees. Not that the Supreme Court should be politicized...that would be WRONG. ;)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I have a confession to make- I am really an optimist at heart. Yeah, underneath the facade of (genuine) cynicism and wariness, I usually conclude that things don't suck most of the time. Unfortunately- and all too commonly- this underlying rosiness gets pissed the fuck off.
Like all good Obamunist liberals, I want to believe our president and his Democratic Congress can fix all that ails our dying country. And quickly. But I also know that the news is getting worse by the New York millisecond- GM is laying off 47,000 workers in one month, the Stock Market has had its worst two-month opening ever, GDP is at its slowest pace in 27 years, etc. And that's just the shit I can remember off the top of my head.
I'm beginning to believe that there's little anyone can do for the US of A except let this shitstream of failure continue. I watched part of Obama's address to Congress this week and while I love the oratory (I always do), it just seemed like more of a pep rally than a plan. Yeah, I know the stimulus got through, but it's going to take years to measure what, if any, positive effect that has on the economy. I did like how Obama challenged Americans to get more schooling and whatnot but what difference does having a college degree make if there aren't any "good" jobs to be had? I'll answer that question from personal experience: it don't make a damn difference.
Anyway, I know the economy will recover because it always does. And I also know that it's too early to call America completely out of the race. With a constant flow of immigrants, America is poised to remain the third most populous country in 2050- with an estimated 438 million people- while most of the populations of other industrialized nations will fall by that year. Fuck, we're like Jason- just when you think you've killed us for the seventy billionth time in the fourteenth sequel, we snap back to cut someone else's head off. We'll be hanging around like uninvited houseguest we are, just hopefully without the unwarranted go-to-hell attitude.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Moving on to the "me" front, I might have a job in Obama's new liberal big government! I took a test last week to be a supervisor in something to do with the 2010 census and I passed! Yeah for me! I couldn't help but lol a little, because I, at age 23, may be in a position to supervise people in their 40s and 50s. All that power is gonna go straight to my balls, I swear.
Of course, since it's the government, I probably won't hear anything from them until June but it's still something to smile about today. Don't let me down, B!
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
I really think the fact that Obama admitted his bad here is refreshing. He's self-aware- a quality George Bush is sorely lacking. Maybe he will admit he fucked up in his memoir no publisher wants to promote, but I doubt it. It's hard for me to get pissed over such a pseudo-controversy, a quasi-non-issue. The fact that it's been resolved takes all of the little wind out of its sails, in my not so humble opinion. I can't wait to see what other kind of adorable shit Obama's peeps get into over the next four years.
Friday, January 30, 2009
-A hilarious post script to the octuplet story- the mother already has six kids. And all fourteen (that's 14) of her children were conceived using sperm from the same donor. And she's single and still lives with her parents. LOL
-Rush Limbaugh is being touted as the "new" voice of the "new" Republican Party. I'm sorry, is this 1993? Speaking of the Republican Party, they elected Michael Steele as the new head of the RNC. Cause what better way to counter the popularity of Barack Obama than to elect a senatorial loser like Michael Steele? But hey, at least he's black! And he was lieutenant governor of Maryland! Way to go Republicans! Way to not make empty gestures of conciliation to ethnic minorities, who are abandoning your party in droves!
-The "recession" is going to get worse and when recovery does come, it will be "slow and weak." Thanks, MSN!
-I have a migraine and I think my head is going to split open! Yay! Have a great fuckin' weekend, y'all! I certainly will!!!!!!!!111
Thursday, January 29, 2009
We don't know much about the mother, because she and her doctors are in some sort of weird media blackout, only occasionally updating us on the status of these freak kids. But we can surely conclude that mother used fertility drugs and that she's a paranoid narcissist.
Because, seriously. How fuckin' full of your own infertile shit do you have to be to think you deserve to have six plus children at once? Only in America is this type of behavior celebrated and encouraged. Remember the McCaughey septuplets, the world's first surviving set of seven babies, born in Iowa in 1997? I do. They were on Oprah the following year, paraded out by their Christian nutbag parents in front of the bright lights and television audience of millions, all in an attempt to prove what a "normal" family they are. A "normal" family that gets a pre- babyproofed mansion as a gift from Oprah.
Now, of course, we have "Jon and Kate Plus 8," a TLC reality show dedicated to this couple with a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. We learn that they are also Christians and full of their own infertile shit. I love how these families are always religious, as if subverting god's own will is going to get you into the express lane to heaven. There's a reason he made you infertile, asshole! Fuck, they're not blessings, they're science experiments. Allah forbid you just adopt a kid or two and leave it at that.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I hate to break it to y'all, but I'm still ridin' a slight Obamahigh. Ye olde rage well is runnin' a touch dry and whatnot. I am a bit miffed that he's yet to get a stimulus package through Congress (I seem to recall he told us he wanted to sign said lauded stimulus package into action on Day One) but I understand he's up against a mighty bureaucracy and there's still tons of pork shit to be hammered out, so I'm still willing to cut him some slack. At least until Black History Month. Then it's gonna be on like white on rice. I'm also officially going to hold Obama accountable if I don't get this government job I got lined up. So be prepared for a wall of bitchy shit to come down if I'm still unemployed this time next month.
But leave it to the bitter, insane right wing whiney assholes to jump all over Obama like a Kleenex at a snot party mere hours after he stumbled through the oath. Rush Limbaugh said, on inauguration day, "I hope he fails."
I hope you're happy with that quote. I had to travel to Rush Limbaugh's website to retrieve it and now I feel filthier than a Vegas whore. Clearly, this is the most outrageously unpatriotic thing any whiney little asshole could say, even one as whiney as Limbaugh. When you say you want the president to fail, you're saying you want this country to fail. Wanting America to fail = John Walker Lindh territory. God, it felt way too good to compare Rush Limbaugh to a member of the Taliban. But it's true. Look, if any person said those exact four words about George Bush this month six years ago- in the lead up to the Iraq invasion- Rush would have had no problem throwin' around the "you're a terrorist and want bin Laden's America-hatin' babies" routine. So consider it a dose of your own McCarthyite Oxycotin-laden medicine, Rush. You whiney little bitch.
But honestly, that statement didn't and doesn't really bother me. That's because for the past week, I've felt like Cartman at the end of that South Park episode where he makes that kid Scott Tenorman eat his parents (Cartman grinds his parents into a chili; it's actually really funny). When the kid realizes that he's just eaten his parents, Cartman says, "Oh, god, I love your tears, Scott. Please, let me taste your tears."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Obviously, I have nothing of actual import to bitch about (assuming the hot Facebook topic has been settled). Obama signed an executive order to close Gitmo, Obama is still alive, and I'm feeling- get this- happy and optimistic about the future. Gross. So clearly, the past few days have been a living hell for your sarcastic, cynical, bitter girl. I'm hoping I'm not coming down with an acute personality change, cause then I may have to spend more time among my fellow homo sapiens and not in this here 'puter chair. Again, gross.
So yeah. As I was tearfully watching the inauguration coverage on CNN and MSNBC, I kept noticing this new Pepsi ad that spans generations and oldass Pepsi cans. The new commercial ends with the slogan, "Every generation refreshes the world." Not to mention the above ad, which clearly apes the Obama "change" sign and steals word-for-word his entire campaign platform. And, well, I think that's dumb. So there's that.
Also, I kept waiting for CNN to outdo its lameass Election Day holograms with something equally lameass, but it didn't (because, really, how does a network outdo a dancin', holographic will.i.am?). I thought that satellite photo they kept promoting was actually pretty cool, even though their loud, hyberbolic description of the millions of people on the Mall was indeed lameass: "They look like a swarm of ants!" and "They look like millions of tiny ants!" and other ant-related comparisons. Yeah, wow! It's a picture taken from fuckin' space! Look at them miniscule folk an 'em! They look like ants on an anthill about to devour the White House pic-a-nic basket! Jesus Christ, shut up and get back to the cuteness that is Sasha and Malia!
And speaking of the First Children, have they gotten their puppy yet? What kind? From where? And is it a mut, like Obama? Fuck, now that was a news story with legs! Where for art thou, First Puppy? Among other pressing issues of the week, like Michelle Obama's universally-panned inaugural dress. Christ, lady! You graduated from Princeton and Harvard and that's the best you can do? Why did you waste all that time developing your mind when you could have been studying haute couture? Think! Jackie O ain't remember for her dissertation!
Anyway, that's the best I can do on this sunny Friday. I can only hope that Obama's change depresses me at some point.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
First of all, great speech. You made me tear up again. And thank you for giving us non-believers a shout out. That was unexpected, given all the god shit goin' down on the dais. I did chuckle a bit when you stumbled over the oath of office (that prick John Roberts; he has one job to do and fucks it up!) but it made you human. And I was very glad to hear you, Senator Feinstein, and even Rick Warren kick dirt in George Bush's eye right in front of his face. That made me smile, too, even though I was rollin' my eyes during Warren's Jesus shit. And how great is it to officially say, "Former president George W. Bush." Former. As in the past.
I didn't get the poet but I hate poetry that doesn't rhyme. If she had written that poem in Seussical fashion, I would have loved it. I did like the black preacher, though, cause his shit rhymed. Talk about loling! Brown is indeed stickin' around!
I was a bit disappointed that you didn't sprout horns and start eatin' people's faces after taking the oath, but I guess you can't be all things to all people. You did look very presidential, downright majestic and regal at times, and you'll look great in your White House portrait. And the girls looked freakin' adorable, as usual. I hate kids but I love your girls.
In short, you are a rockstar and the world is at your feet. Now for god's sake, don't fuck it up or get shot. Please.
Yours in christ, always,
Monday, January 19, 2009
U.S. budget deficit: $1 trillion
The cost of corporate welfare ('08 only): $700 billion
The decline and fall of the American Empire?: Priceless
There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterRetard.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
"Z is for Zillah, who drank too much gin." - Edward Gorey.
Preface: I'm bored and uninspired at the moment. I was tempted to do a drunk post as an homage to woozie's awesomeness but opted against it for a variety of reasons (re: I fell asleep). Anyway, I woke up with the gin eyes and there's nothing new on the politics front for me to whine about so enjoy the following sober analysis:
You Know You're A (Drunk) Redneck When...
-a trip to Wal-Mart qualifies as Friday night entertainment.
I Know I'm Drunk When...
-I start seriously contemplating Britney Spears' life and career. Like why anyone would allow her to name her album Circus but then feeling sexist for thinking someone else named her album but then considering the notion that Britney Spears understands irony makes me shiver.
-The dimly-lit, maudlin ambiance of a local honky tonk stops bothering me.
-The Taylor Swift emanating from the jukebox stops offending my senses. In fact, it makes me down right giddy to the point I want to dance. And I don't dance.
-I can feel my pulse in my face.
-I lose my "Mid-Atlantic" accent completely in a Larry the Cable Guy-inspired, ear-raping Deep South burr.
I Know It's Time To Leave When...
-I start contemplating my life and career to the point of inebriated psychosis.
-I start theorizing with a complete stranger about the "significance" of the fact I was born on the thirtieth anniversary of James Dean's death and also share a birthday with Truman Capote ("Do you think I'm, like, imbued with cool?").
-The absurdity of the situation comes barreling down on me with the force of Fat Man / I start feeling like I'm in some awful b-movie from the 70s and the credits are about to roll.
-Even though I'm sipping a rum and coke, I can't stop fantasizing about the gallon jug of Club 400 gin my daddy has in the cubbard at home.
-I start yelling non-sequitirs from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas just to weird people out. "You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm sick of listening to this dogshit!" and "Still humping the American Dream, I see..." and "As your attorney, I advise you to slow down..."
-Every sentence begins with "yeah" and a giggle.
"To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer J. Simpson
Friday, January 16, 2009
Generation Y Job-Seekers Hit Hard. That's an actual article title on MSN. One, two, three: NO FUCKIN' SHIT! I really should quit reading MSN. It always pisses me off. Automatic things.
Automatic things.Everything is automated. Think about it. Doors, sinks, toilets, hand dryers, "people movers" (or as I call them, "flat escalators"). I was in a mall bathroom the other day (not soliciting a handjob, Senator Craig) and all of a sudden, I felt like I was living in a lame episode of The Jetsons. If, you know, people in the 60s thought automatic sinks were blazing new technology. The philosophy behind this shit is astounding. Automatic bathrooms? Well, we're saving trees by not wasting as much TP and paper towels. Wow, except for every piece of already recycled paper towel you save from being recycled again, you've wasted more than that in electricity to run this Lay-Z-Boy bathroom! You, sir, are a tool.
I, and you, are capable of touching things and wiping our own hands with paper towels. Allah gave us manual dexterity and opposable thumbs for a reason. Not to wave them under literally stupid computer chips that don't always detect our presence all in some vein attempt at eco-conscientiousness. Besides, every time I approach an automatic door, I get that Simpsons episode in my head where Bart sells his soul to Milhouse for a comic or something and all of a sudden he cannot walk through an automatic door because he lacks a soul. I have a mild panic attack every time I see an automatic door, knowing if it doesn't open, I'm most certainly soulless. Which leads me to my next beef...
I am the living embodiment of entropy. Entropy is the second law of thermodynamics that states the universe tends towards chaos and decay. I am that principle in action. More on that later.
The plane that crashed in New York yesterday. It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, it's a bird in a plane! I am legitimately relieved to hear there were no causalities, but come on! How insane is it that a plane crashes in New York on the very same day George Bush gives his farewell address on keeping us safe! Well apparently, he should have declared a War on Ducks because those fuckers almost killed 155 people yesterday. Or a War on Human Error. Remember the plane that crashed in Queens on November 12, 2001, killing 265? No you don't! Because it crashed from run of the mill, and way unsexy, piloting error. Certainly nothing to steamroll the Middle East over.
I don't believe in fate but if there is a god, he has a cruel sense of irony. I like that!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
That and I already know what he's going to say. Something along the lines of: "I'm the bestest president ever cause I dun crusaded agin' them Moose-lims who dun did Nine, One One. The Iraqistanis are liberated now and Afghanisland is Talibani free. I dun came in with a lousy economy and am leavin' y'all with a lousy economy. It ain't my fault. It's Clinton's. Now Laura and me are goin' back to
Crawford Dallas to enjoy a kickass retirement. I might write me a autobiography about all the great stuff I dun decided on as president or I might start drinkin' again. Who knows? The world's my oil-ster! Nyuck nyuck! That was a joke! Git it? Jesus loves ya! Buh-bye, Bush 43."
And now for a meme. Like Can I just Say, I am far too cool to own an ipod so I had to settle with shuffling my iTunes. I'm sure you were worried about that. :)
1. Put your iPod/iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 3 people to complete this!
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Is She Weird"- Pixies
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Take A Bow"- Madonna (Yes! I am the coolest person in Appalachia, so you better bow down to the queen. Recognize, fool!)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Satin in a Coffin"- Modest Mouse
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Raw Power"- The Stooges
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Violet"- Hole ("and the sky was all violet / I want again but violent more violent" Yes!)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"The First Taste"- Fiona Apple
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Rape Me"- Nirvana (not very often, I swear)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Tromple le Monde"- Pixies
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Blue Jean"- David Bowie
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Gutless"- Hole (that's actually pretty accurate)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"700 Mile Situation"- Res
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"O'Sailor"- Fiona Apple ("oh sailor why you'd do it / what'd you do that for")
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Monkey Gone To Heaven"- Pixies ("if man is five, if man is five, if man is five / then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six" Cute.)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"My Prerogative"- Britney Spears
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Rabbit Fur Coat"- Jenny Lewis (the COOLEST song in my catalogue)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Spanish Caravan"- The Doors
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Goodbye Blue Sky"- Pink Floyd
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"About A Girl"- Nirvana ("I take advantage while / you hang me out to dry / but I can't see you every night for free")
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Intimate Secretary"- The Ranconteurs
WHAT IS ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Me Against The Music"- Britney Spears feat. Madonna
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Store Bought Bones"- The Ranconteurs
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Erotica"- Madonna (haha)
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Extraordinary Machine"- Fiona Apple (A girl can hope)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Melt Your Heart"- Jenny Lewis
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Sunshowers"- M.I.A. ("you wanna go? / you wanna win a war? / Like PLO, I don't surrendo" That's a little topical and odd.)
And I tag alana, haworth, and ambles. C'mon. You know you wanna waste time on this shit. ;)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Karl Rove recently pulled the Bullshit Express into the Bill O'Reilly show to make shit up about Bush's apparently sweet legacy, but also to make shit up about the liberal media cabal to elect Obama (because they overstated the Depression we're currently in) and implying that if we get another 9/11, it'll be Obama's fault for being a pussy liberal.
I love how people say that Karl Rove is a genius for orchestrating George Bush's "wins" in 2000 and 2004. He's not a genius; he just stole his playbook from some 16-year-old gossipy bitch. John McCain has an adopted daughter from Cambodia? Not anymore! She's now an illegitimate black kid he had out of wedlock. That'll really rile some feathers among the Klan crowd in South Carolina. John McCain spent five years in a VietCong prison camp where he was horribly tortured? Well then he's clearly too crazy to be president. John Kerry is also a Vietnam War hero? No problem! We'll spread malicious lies that he overstated his war achievements by trotting out and paying some dudes who look like veterans to say he's full of shit. Nevermind the fact that Bush and Cheney were too craven to actually fight in Vietnam themselves. But hey, they had better things to do. Fuck you, Vietnam War! Obama is massively popular around the world? Piece of fuckin' cake! We'll just compare him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, thereby implying that his popularity is media-orchestrated and he's a braindead whore.
Karl Rove is not a genius. He's Perez Hilton without the sense of humor. This man, on the other hand, makes Einstein look like Special Ed:
Neuticals go for $85 for the original, $189 for the natural, and $349 for the ultra-plus. According to the genius himself, pets in all fifty states and 47 countries have reaped the benefits of ball implants to stem the tide of their denuting depression. Reach for the stars, kids! Anything is possible in this land of milk, honey, lies, and fake dog balls.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).
Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
It reminds me of something Jon Stewart said in '04 about the coverage of the Iraq war. "As CNN was showing the rotting corpses of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the news ticker across the bottom said, 'Beyonce doesn't like the word bootylicious.'" But then again, Stewart and I are pretentious liberals who denigrate the "average Joe
the plumber" with our "intellectual pride" (what's that about?) and holier than thou humor. Oh Sarah. Thank Jebus you haven't gone away. The idiots need you.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Just so you don't think I'm racist, "Negro Jesus" is the actual title of this picture. Anyway, I was bored and surfin' the Internet pages of the right-wing British paper The Telegraph and came across the following headline: "Sacha Baron Cohen's black Jesus to shock America." The description of the article is, "Sacha Baron Cohen is preparing to shock America with his latest film, which is said to contain a black model called Jesus wearing a loincloth and a crown of thorns." LOL.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, terrifies white hicks quite like the notion that Jesus was black / Arab / not totally white. I remember way the hell back in 2004 when The Passion of the Christ came out, and among the charges of anti-Semitism and other sundry criticism Mel Gibson received for that sadistic piece of dead languaged shit based on Jewish fairytales from the Bronze Age, was that he cast a white guy named Jim Caviezel as Jesus. He went to all the trouble of making the actors learn Aramaic and Latin, filmed the movie entirely in those languages and initially didn't want English subtitles because Jesus couldn't read (actually, he just wanted the audience to focus on the horrible torture of Jesus
I saw it at a theater nearby when it first came out, mainly because I'm a mashochist and enjoy having my eyes raped by the steaming piles of gooey baby shit that passes for "art" in our time. The theater was packed with every shade of obese, cross-clutching Jesus freak this side of the Mississippi and when it ended, people actually stood up and cheered. Everyone did, except me. There was this black guy in front of me who was crying, and not because Jesus was played by a white dude. He was seriously that moved by this two-hour bondage film about a fictional character. I, on the other hand, was shocked. Don't get me wrong- I heart movie violence. But I, like a dumbass, thought the movie was going to star Jesus and not his bleeding nail-on-a-whip wounds.
And I can't remember why I bothered with this post. Oh yeah, Borat's new movie. Atheism good. Religion bullshit, and all that. Man, I need a drink.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Number one: The cover of Joe The Liar's new book. Presumably, "Joe The Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream" means fighting against the forces of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America under a fake persona with an exposed ass crack via a book that was ghostwritten by someone smarter than you.
-Nostradamus, his fan club, and Nostradamus-related programming. He was not a prophet. He wrote vague statements about the events of his day that people later interpreted as prophecy. Sort of like the people who wrote the Bible. Take this quatrain: "The sky will burn at 45 degrees / Fire approaches the great New City / Immediately a huge scattered flame leaps up / When they want to have proof of the Normans." Clearly this references airplanes flying into the Twin Towers on 9/11. Because if there's one thing the hijackers hated, it was a lack of proof of the fuckin' Normans! Goddammit, they hated that shit! I think that's also mentioned in sentence one of bin Laden's first fatwa against the U.S. Check it. But it does teach me an important lesson if I ever decide to enter prophecy as a profession: if it's vague bullshit, the people will come. I just want to thank the History Channel for airing three successive and sincere programs on this asshat.
-My town's roundabout. In an effort to be cool, European-like, and save money on another useless traffic light, my town erected a roundabout (or "traffic circle," if you're a lame Yank) near said community college. Problem is, the local yokels cannot figure it out. As I was passing through it today, a guy in a truck did like a 380 in it; he went around it completely then took the right he was closest to when he pulled up to the damn thing. During that minute he was driving around, he must have been pissing himself in terror that he'd died, been sent to hell, and give this Sisyphean task as eternal punishment for his inability to understand the hard science of yielding to your left and exiting to your right. And I'm sure he's not the only one who's had that existential crisis while frantically trying to exit this black hole of a demon known as our town's roundabout.
-Maintaining this constant level of outrage. It's exhausting. :)
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
And lest you think it's just Jews who are batshit nuts and blaming Obama for this current mess, today al-Qaeda number two Ayman al-Zawahiri said, and this is a direct fucking quote, "This is Obama whom the American machine of lies tried to portray as the rescuer who will change the policy of America. He kills your brothers and sisters in Gaza mercilessly and without affection." I've reread this sentence several times and I think I've succeeded in giving myself a slight stroke. I thought Obama was in D.C. working on the stimulus package; I didn't realize he was personally mowing down children in Gaza, and without affection no less! You think Perez Hilton would have posted a picture of that by now, maybe with a little cum dribbling down Obama's chin as he bayonets a small Muslim child. Of course, this is the same al-Zawahiri who called Obama a "house negro" or something to that effect after his victory in November and said he was a disgrace to "honorable" black Americans like Malcolm X. But it sounds nutty, even for a group as apeshit as al-Qaeda. This day in history:
This day in history:Twenty nine years ago, Jimmy Carter gave $1.5 billion in loans to Chrysler, which the company was able to pay off in three years with the help of Lee Iacocca and his glorious, groundbreaking, genius mini-van concept. -Do you hear the choir of angels?- The mini-van would become a revolution in the auto industry and provide suburban soccer moms with a larger, 80s version of the station wagon that's still annoyingly cliche well into the 21st Century. That Iacocca prick's still alive, so they should dust him off and install him back as CEO. All he has to do is reinvent the wheel to save the American auto industry. And by "reinvent the wheel," I mean rip off those fuckin' Japs he so loathes.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
The article kicks off thusly:
"1. That government’s “task” is to provide that “individual believers holding diverse convictions may challenge one another without ... interference.” Untrue. The First Amendment provides that government will not prefer one religion over another; and it forbids one’s harassment of another."
OK, the first part of your rebuttal is true and the second part is not. It's not true because you're using a red herring. What the first author wrote was that we may challenge each other's religions without interference, which is absolutely legal and a right recognized in any free society. We're discouraged from harassing people about it and it's illegal to discriminate others on the basis of their religion or lack of religion. Maybe you should remember that last part.
2. "That '(t)he greater the distance between church and state ... , the greater our religious liberty.' False. Complete neutrality, or absence of religious involvement in government affairs and vice versa, is termed “laicite.” It is the political system of secularism, which suppresses expression of religious belief in public and oppresses those who do it. By definition, religious freedom is “the freedom of an individual or community, in public or private, to manifest religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance” (source: Wikipedia)."
False false. You make the typical Republican logical fallacy of characterizing secularism as an organized political movement as opposed to a philosophy. The First Amendment protects against what you're freaking out about and banning religious practices or customs could never legally happen here, provided the First Amendment can survive the last 14 days of the Bush presidency.
"A leading secular state is France, where in 2004, religious symbols were banned in public schools. President Nicolas Sarkozy criticizes this type of “negative laicite;” and he intends to develop a “positive laicite,” which, as noted at Wikipedia, “recognizes the contribution of faith to French culture, history and society, allows for faith in the public discourse and for government subsidies for faith-based groups.” As France strives to progress beyond its stymieing century-old secular politics, the United States would be unwise to regress to embrace them."
I did LOL a little when I first read this. I have to respectfully disagree that increased secularism would be a step backwards for the U.S. I agree that the government shouldn't concern itself with banning religious symbols and clothing (which was the main point of the French law; it banned niquabs and yarmulkes in schools). In fact, government shouldn't deal in religion at all! Wow! Thank you for making my point for me! And this is the second time you've cited Wikipedia. Someone should have told you that's not a reputable source and if this were a college paper, you'd ge a D.
"French historian Alexis de Tocqueville, in his 1835 work Democracy in America, finds the synergy of faith and politics that he experiences here remarkable; and he concludes that religion in society is necessary to temper government’s propensities to seize authority (or to impose priority) over peoples’ expression of their convictions, and to inhibit peoples’ tendencies to surrender it."
I don't recall this particular summation in Democracy in America, though it's been four years since I read it and the book is 676 pages long. It's likely that deTocqueville was being ironic. He was also found our propensity to sue remarkable, which is impressive when you consider he wrote DIA in 1835. Not to mention American history is littered with instances when the government "seized authority over peoples' expression of their convictions." Where have you been the past eight years? Oh right. You're a Republican. So seizing authority over secularists'/peaceniks'/dissenters'/brown people's expression of their convictions is what the government is supposed to do. As long as your rights aren't being impeded, there's no problem.
"French philosopher Jacques Maritain, a drafter of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights, is quoted at Wikipedia praising the U.S. model of religious freedom in the mid-20th century as superior because it had both 'sharp distinction and actual cooperation' between church and state. He called it 'an historical treasure.' He begged: 'Please to God that you keep it carefully, and do not let your concept of separation veer round to the European one.'"
The mid-20th Century. The mid-20th Century. Hmm...I'm trying to recollect what might have just occured around that time period in Europe that may have contributed to this quote but, damn, my lackluster American education is failing me. I think it was something to do with Jews and golden stars and gas chambers but I'm not sure. Maybe I should check Wikipedia.
It always insults me when religious people somehow try to twist the First Amendment or the writings of the Founding Fathers to support this notion that we're a Christian country (and just an FYI, The Federalist Papers pushing for the ratification of the Constitution were first published as a series of letters to the editors. A series of op-eds started this country!). The first European colonists may have been nutbag Christian fundamentalists but we were not established as a haven for this kind of warped world view. We're a beacon of religious freedom, which includes freedom from religion for millions of us rationalists. Israel is what happens when you "found" a country based on only one religion (and for only one religion).
To quote the late, great Henry David Thoreau, "The government is best which governs the least." So you can worship your invisible space god and I can worship my Richard Dawkins. Live and let live.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Switching gears...I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that Barack Obama is actually considering $300 billion in tax cuts. I had the same visceral response to this article as I did when I read that John McCain had selected Sarah Palin as his runningmate: "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me." I am no economic expert, but I do have a memory and seem to recall tax cuts were the first thing George Bush did exactly eight years ago after he took office. Obama's tax cuts are going toward lower and middle-income families, unlike Bush's that went to the genteel, but I'm just stunned. It reminds me of that crackpot "stimulus package" idea Congress had last year to throw $300 at each American to avert a recession. Yeah, great idea. That worked like gangbusters and took $152 billion out of the already gutted Treasury. Let's do it again!
According to the same article, the U.S. economy shed a further 445,000 jobs in December, which was a great way to cap off a year that saw two million other jobs vanish into the ether of Bush's historically shitastic legacy. And that's excellent news for me, who's been looking for gainful employment for months now. Goddammit, George! I swear to Allah, if I have to get a job stocking Barbies and rifles in my local Wal-Mart because you shipped my potential good job to Bangladesh...well, I'm gonna be one pissed off liberal atheist hillbilly. And no one wants that. *shakes fist at screen*
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Anyway, I awoke to more than just a headache and a belly full of liquor. Turns out some actual shit has gone down since I passed out last night. First and foremost, today was declared "Sovereignty Day" in Iraq because the U.S. symbolically returned control of the lauded Green Zone over to the Iraqis. The area gets a lot of press because it's the center of
I'm actually looking forward to this new year and hope that B. Hussein Obama (as my Republican friends refer to him) and the Republican-lite new Congress can get to cleanin' up this clusterfuck of a shitfest George The Baptist has left us mired in. Personally, I have a lot of options and my one and only resolution for 09 is to be less of a crybaby bitch. :)