A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Not Another Israel Post

I'm sick of that shit so I'm going to ramble incoherently for this particular entry. Here are some things that are chapping my lily white ass right now:

Number one: The cover of Joe The Liar's new book. Presumably, "Joe The Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream" means fighting against the forces of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America under a fake persona with an exposed ass crack via a book that was ghostwritten by someone smarter than you.
-Nostradamus, his fan club, and Nostradamus-related programming. He was not a prophet. He wrote vague statements about the events of his day that people later interpreted as prophecy. Sort of like the people who wrote the Bible. Take this quatrain: "The sky will burn at 45 degrees / Fire approaches the great New City / Immediately a huge scattered flame leaps up / When they want to have proof of the Normans." Clearly this references airplanes flying into the Twin Towers on 9/11. Because if there's one thing the hijackers hated, it was a lack of proof of the fuckin' Normans! Goddammit, they hated that shit! I think that's also mentioned in sentence one of bin Laden's first fatwa against the U.S. Check it. But it does teach me an important lesson if I ever decide to enter prophecy as a profession: if it's vague bullshit, the people will come. I just want to thank the History Channel for airing three successive and sincere programs on this asshat.

-The Bible Code. Basically like Nostradamus for your computer nerd religious fanatics, the Bible Code is supposedly a series of secret messages hidden in the Bible that can only be found via a computer program that runs a series of matrices on the text to find vague, chopped up words that, if you squint your eyes and damage your cerebral cortex, clearly predicts events of our day. If god is omnipotent, then I think he can do better than "the assassin will assassinate" in reference to Yitzhak Rabin's murder. Yeah, god, assassinate is what assassins tend to do. Funny thing is, some Australian scientist ran the same matrix on "Moby Dick" and found similar shit. So I think there's one thing to conclude here: HERMAN MELVILLE WAS THE SECOND COMING AND WE FUCKIN' MISSED IT! OMFG!

-Educational bureaucracy. It took me a half hour to unenroll from a community college where I was planning on studying something in the medical field. I had to fill out a form in one building, drive to the other side of campus to get it signed by my advisor, drive back to the first building, and then take the form to three different offices to have it notarized by two different people. And you know they'll still send me a bill for the classes I'm now unenrolled from.

-My town's roundabout. In an effort to be cool, European-like, and save money on another useless traffic light, my town erected a roundabout (or "traffic circle," if you're a lame Yank) near said community college. Problem is, the local yokels cannot figure it out. As I was passing through it today, a guy in a truck did like a 380 in it; he went around it completely then took the right he was closest to when he pulled up to the damn thing. During that minute he was driving around, he must have been pissing himself in terror that he'd died, been sent to hell, and give this Sisyphean task as eternal punishment for his inability to understand the hard science of yielding to your left and exiting to your right. And I'm sure he's not the only one who's had that existential crisis while frantically trying to exit this black hole of a demon known as our town's roundabout.

-Maintaining this constant level of outrage. It's exhausting. :)


Can I just say... said...

I absolutely HATE HATE HATE all that joe the plumber shit. I hated everything about the McCain campaign. It was all very inside-jokey. Blech. And I feel your pain in the educational bureauocracy department. I work in it everyday.

Woozie said...

America's really gone to shit when it's up to an unlicensed plumbing aficionado to save the day. Where's Team America when you need them??

And do you think Samuel can navigate a traffic circle?

Beelzebub said...

@ Can I just say: Glad to hear it! As for the educational bureaucracy shit, I was used to it as a professional college student but I somehow forgot how tedius its frivolty is.

@ woozie: Fuck no, I don't think Samuel could nagivate a roundabout. And I'm sure it'd somehow be the fault of Obama's tax plan.

alana said...

Maybe we'll get lucky and good ol' Joe will travel near that circle of death your town has.

ahh, the power of hope...lol

Ambles said...

(I have nothing original to say, but) You're post was hilarious... it literaly made me laugh out loud. So, thanks!!!

Beelzebub said...

@ alana: Haha, yes indeed.

@ Ambles: You're welcome. :)

JollyRoger said...

Joe the Dumber is a complete idiot that makes Caribou Barbie seem intellectual. Only among the wingtards could this useless, lying sack of shit be considered celebrity material. Maybe he and Britney can hit the road together.

In northern Ohio there are a lot of traffic circles. Below Interstate 70 (the border of the "incest belt" in Ohio,) not so many. I don't think the inbreds navigate such complexities so well.