A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Took All The Ws Off The Keyboards And All I Got Was This Lousy New Pepsi Ad

Obviously, I have nothing of actual import to bitch about (assuming the hot Facebook topic has been settled). Obama signed an executive order to close Gitmo, Obama is still alive, and I'm feeling- get this- happy and optimistic about the future. Gross. So clearly, the past few days have been a living hell for your sarcastic, cynical, bitter girl. I'm hoping I'm not coming down with an acute personality change, cause then I may have to spend more time among my fellow homo sapiens and not in this here 'puter chair. Again, gross.

So yeah. As I was tearfully watching the inauguration coverage on CNN and MSNBC, I kept noticing this new Pepsi ad that spans generations and oldass Pepsi cans. The new commercial ends with the slogan, "Every generation refreshes the world." Not to mention the above ad, which clearly apes the Obama "change" sign and steals word-for-word his entire campaign platform. And, well, I think that's dumb. So there's that.

Also, I kept waiting for CNN to outdo its lameass Election Day holograms with something equally lameass, but it didn't (because, really, how does a network outdo a dancin', holographic will.i.am?). I thought that satellite photo they kept promoting was actually pretty cool, even though their loud, hyberbolic description of the millions of people on the Mall was indeed lameass: "They look like a swarm of ants!" and "They look like millions of tiny ants!" and other ant-related comparisons. Yeah, wow! It's a picture taken from fuckin' space! Look at them miniscule folk an 'em! They look like ants on an anthill about to devour the White House pic-a-nic basket! Jesus Christ, shut up and get back to the cuteness that is Sasha and Malia!

And speaking of the First Children, have they gotten their puppy yet? What kind? From where? And is it a mut, like Obama? Fuck, now that was a news story with legs! Where for art thou, First Puppy? Among other pressing issues of the week, like Michelle Obama's universally-panned inaugural dress. Christ, lady! You graduated from Princeton and Harvard and that's the best you can do? Why did you waste all that time developing your mind when you could have been studying haute couture? Think! Jackie O ain't remember for her dissertation!

Anyway, that's the best I can do on this sunny Friday. I can only hope that Obama's change depresses me at some point.


Woozie said...

You spelled Sashaaahhh and Maleeeeeah wrong.

unokhan said...

don't know about you, but my heretofore excutiatinglee lameass facebook just got exponentially busier.

and fear not-- there are plenty of political disappointments ahead. take good care of yer teeth -- you will need them for gnashing

Haworth said...

Ants are overated! We should compare more things to termites!

Beelzebub said...

@ woozie: Prolee.

@ unokhan: Appalachian dental care? lolz.

@ haworth: Are you on Facebook? If so, we need to friend each other! Now!

alana said...

I actually like the new look of Pepsi’s products. I am sucker for the little things. lol

I can’t believe people made such a big deal about Michelle’s dress. I don’t think it was the nicest thing I’ve ever seen, but have you seen the dresses from the past? It’s like someone threw up glittered beads all over them.

I hate Facebook. I don’t understand how to use the damn thing!

Haworth said...

yes i am, look up Anthony Haworth and you will find me, my pictuer is me with a cat!!!

Ambles said...

Maybe you can start doing weekly retro-blunders, remind us of all the stupidity that is our fine country's legacy!

Hopefully the hopefullness will last :)

JollyRoger said...

Jackie O was also never the Secretary of State.

There are advantages to having a brain.

unokhan said...

not onlee that, jackie o never got the chance to say: "we think it's worth it."

damn, she musta felt cheated by history

Beelzebub said...

@ unokhan: I don't mean to sound like a retard, but what event is that interview in reference to?

unokhan said...

wot the fuk -- are u makin up new rools?

Beelzebub said...

Huh? I mean, yes. No. Nevermind.