A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Cletus Says: Bush Isn't Totally Incompetent

This morning started off like many before it. I awoke after five hours of restless sleep pissed off, groggy, and in dire need of a bigass pot of coffee. But there was one slight difference: I happen to awaken in the Fox News Twilight Zone Where America Is Awesome All The Time. The front page of my hometown newspaper has a photo of an African woman and the following article summary: "Aid worker Sweetness Mzolisa poses at the Nocingile day care center in Khayelitsha, South Africa. From a windowless shed, Mzolisa leads a chorus of praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush." At first I thought I was hallucinating; after all, I didn't fall asleep until damn near 5 am today and once I did, I had a succession of horrifying nightmares involving the Twin Towers, dead fish, The Joker, and blogging (fuck!). But no, my hometown paper actually has the words, "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush," written in one non-ironic sentence.

I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).

Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.


alana said...

It's not just you! WTF is Obama thinking?

This is NOT ok.

Beelzebub said...

I have no idea what he's thinking but he's starting to piss me off.

alana said...

I guess the other shoe had to drop sometime.

At least we know this isn't the beginning of the apocalypse. :)

unokhan said...

ah, if onlee you hadnah been so fulla o the fukn bamakoolade...

somewhere n harry nilsson's "the point' a character sez "you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear." i think it was the rock man.

this human phenomenon comes under the category of 'foible'

you rock, but you're human.

Errant Gosling said...

Have a little faith. Let him start the job before you critique his performance. I suspect that things will change dramatically next week. Or I hope so anyway.

Woozie said...


Beelzebub said...

@ unokhan: I'm reminded of a Kathy Griffin quote: "I feel like [Obama] is a guy I fucked too soon and now I want a ring and he's like, 'Yeah, I fucked ya.'" That's how I feel right about now.

@ Errant Gosling: I'm still down with B.Ob but I've just come down off my Obamamania high.

@ woozie: I'm reminded of another quote: "Barack Obama: He says nothing better than anyone."