"Z is for Zillah, who drank too much gin." - Edward Gorey.
Preface: I'm bored and uninspired at the moment. I was tempted to do a drunk post as an homage to woozie's awesomeness but opted against it for a variety of reasons (re: I fell asleep). Anyway, I woke up with the gin eyes and there's nothing new on the politics front for me to whine about so enjoy the following sober analysis:
You Know You're A (Drunk) Redneck When...
-a trip to Wal-Mart qualifies as Friday night entertainment.
I Know I'm Drunk When...
-I start seriously contemplating Britney Spears' life and career. Like why anyone would allow her to name her album Circus but then feeling sexist for thinking someone else named her album but then considering the notion that Britney Spears understands irony makes me shiver.
-The dimly-lit, maudlin ambiance of a local honky tonk stops bothering me.
-The Taylor Swift emanating from the jukebox stops offending my senses. In fact, it makes me down right giddy to the point I want to dance. And I don't dance.
-I can feel my pulse in my face.
-I lose my "Mid-Atlantic" accent completely in a Larry the Cable Guy-inspired, ear-raping Deep South burr.
I Know It's Time To Leave When...
-I start contemplating my life and career to the point of inebriated psychosis.
-I start theorizing with a complete stranger about the "significance" of the fact I was born on the thirtieth anniversary of James Dean's death and also share a birthday with Truman Capote ("Do you think I'm, like, imbued with cool?").
-The absurdity of the situation comes barreling down on me with the force of Fat Man / I start feeling like I'm in some awful b-movie from the 70s and the credits are about to roll.
-Even though I'm sipping a rum and coke, I can't stop fantasizing about the gallon jug of Club 400 gin my daddy has in the cubbard at home.
-I start yelling non-sequitirs from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas just to weird people out. "You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm sick of listening to this dogshit!" and "Still humping the American Dream, I see..." and "As your attorney, I advise you to slow down..."
-Every sentence begins with "yeah" and a giggle.
"To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer J. Simpson