A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Bumfuck

"Z is for Zillah, who drank too much gin." - Edward Gorey.

Preface: I'm bored and uninspired at the moment. I was tempted to do a drunk post as an homage to woozie's awesomeness but opted against it for a variety of reasons (re: I fell asleep). Anyway, I woke up with the gin eyes and there's nothing new on the politics front for me to whine about so enjoy the following sober analysis:

You Know You're A (Drunk) Redneck When...

-a trip to Wal-Mart qualifies as Friday night entertainment.

I Know I'm Drunk When...

-I start seriously contemplating Britney Spears' life and career. Like why anyone would allow her to name her album Circus but then feeling sexist for thinking someone else named her album but then considering the notion that Britney Spears understands irony makes me shiver.

-The dimly-lit, maudlin ambiance of a local honky tonk stops bothering me.

-The Taylor Swift emanating from the jukebox stops offending my senses. In fact, it makes me down right giddy to the point I want to dance. And I don't dance.

-I can feel my pulse in my face.

-I lose my "Mid-Atlantic" accent completely in a Larry the Cable Guy-inspired, ear-raping Deep South burr.

I Know It's Time To Leave When...

-I start contemplating my life and career to the point of inebriated psychosis.

-I start theorizing with a complete stranger about the "significance" of the fact I was born on the thirtieth anniversary of James Dean's death and also share a birthday with Truman Capote ("Do you think I'm, like, imbued with cool?").

-The absurdity of the situation comes barreling down on me with the force of Fat Man / I start feeling like I'm in some awful b-movie from the 70s and the credits are about to roll.

-Even though I'm sipping a rum and coke, I can't stop fantasizing about the gallon jug of Club 400 gin my daddy has in the cubbard at home.

-I start yelling non-sequitirs from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas just to weird people out. "You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm sick of listening to this dogshit!" and "Still humping the American Dream, I see..." and "As your attorney, I advise you to slow down..."

-Every sentence begins with "yeah" and a giggle.

"To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer J. Simpson


Woozie said...

Me? Awesome? Ha! I would say the drunk post should become a meme if most memes weren't totally lame. I still don't really know why I did the 2 AM one, or why some random dude with a shit Yahoo avatar decided to steal it.

Every sentence begins with "yeah" and a giggle.

Pretty much, yep.

Beelzebub said...

You're pretty awesome for an 18-year-old. And memes are indeed lame but they're a great way to waste time online, even though I feel like some dorky 14-year-old MySpace whore when I'm filling them out.

alana said...

I become a huge pervert. All the horribly raunchy things I think flow freely from my mouth.

It's turned out to be a blessing and a curse. lol

I think that's how I met my boyfriend, but I can't remember too clearly... ;)

Haworth said...

The alcoholic beverage is a great thing. I think all my best moments in life have happened whilst i have been drinking (that sounds bad).

I tend to get philisophical, but in a crappy way. Such as my own political ideology Mechanical Socialsim (that was the name i gave it though it is not pure socialism) but anyway ueah alcohol rocks!!!

unokhan said...

alcohol is nature's perfect cure for loneliness; it heals all the wounds of too much solitude. but we know that after a point it sustains loneliness, exacerbates it, by making smart and charming people n2 assholes nobody wants to be around for very long. most alcoholix need some sort o breath-a-lyzer which will shut their pie holes at a certain point which arrives long before passing out.

anyway, cheers. next round's on me and my pie hole.

Beelzebub said...

@ alana: Yeah, I'm that way, too. I'm just wholly inappropriate when drunk. And I have also met bfs when inebriated but for some reason, it didn't work out...

@ haworth: Mechanical socialism? Sounds sexy. And alcohol absolutely rocks. But you're European, so I'm assuming you were born with a pint in each fist. :)

@ unokhan: lolz. I always look forward to your facetious, erudite commentary. I'll have to invest in a breathalyzer or at minimum a roll of duct tape (cause self-control is dumb). Cheers indeed.

Ambles said...

Awesome Homer quote...
sometimes feel like I am in an awful movie too... unfortunately I am always sober when this happens!

JollyRoger said...

Alas, too many years I was a dedicated abuser of the stuff, and can touch it no more. But waking up and actually knowing where I am and who I'm with does have its advantages ;)

Beelzebub said...

@ ambles: Luckily, I'm fairly grounded when sober. It's just the sauce that initiates the bad movie thing for me.

@ Jolly: I'm not actually an alcoholic but I do enjoy disorientation. It keeps shit interesting. :)