Jon and Kate Plus Lying Bullshit

My favorite recent story from the pop culture front has to be the cheating allegations dogging America's favorite breeders Jon and Kate Gosselin. The Gosselins, of course, have an insanely popular show on TLC that follows their lives as parents to a set of eight-year-old twins and a set of five-year-old sextuplets and all the wacky hijinks that ensue. And also about how stressful it is to have so many kids all the same age. And how stressed Mom and Dad are. In fact, there's a lot of stress in the show, which is fairly amusing to me considering how they refused selective reduction on their sextuplets because abortion makes god cry (although apparently he's cool with people subverting his will by abusing science to conceive a litter of little premie ankle biters). Gee, ya think having so many kids might make you go a touch apeshit? Or want to fuck around on your spouse?

I clearly know too much about this show. I admit I got sucked into some episodes in the earlier seasons because goddamn, those kids are freakin' adorable! But now it's all about product placements and skiing trips to Utah and million-dollar mansions. Since Mom and Dad don't have to have to work to pay the bills anymore, they quit budgeting and taking family trips to Sam's Club and doing whatever other "normal" shit that people identified with. Now they have to fill their free time with banging their bodyguards and partying with college kids (allegedly). Because, gat dam it, having eight children eight years and under just doesn't eat up your time the way you'd think it would!

I have zero sympathy for Jon and Kate. I've read a few articles/blog entries online about how bad people feel for Jon and how much of a pushy bitch Kate is but they're both adults. If Jon doesn't want to be a reality tv star anymore, then he can tell the cameras to leave and get a real job to support his family. But look on the bright side- all this publicity has to be terrific for the new season, which conveniently premieres this Monday and conveniently happens to be all about their recent marital travails. And I'm sure I'll be watching and waiting to judge.

Lord, Bless This Bounty For Which We Are About To Conceive

In case you haven't heard, a set of octuplets was born in California last week. All eight babies are said to be doing well, as it their mother. As usual when a woman gives birth to a litter of Frankenstein children, the media is going gaga apeshit over this news. Personally, I find it highly disturbing. Highly.

We don't know much about the mother, because she and her doctors are in some sort of weird media blackout, only occasionally updating us on the status of these freak kids. But we can surely conclude that mother used fertility drugs and that she's a paranoid narcissist.

Because, seriously. How fuckin' full of your own infertile shit do you have to be to think you deserve to have six plus children at once? Only in America is this type of behavior celebrated and encouraged. Remember the McCaughey septuplets, the world's first surviving set of seven babies, born in Iowa in 1997? I do. They were on Oprah the following year, paraded out by their Christian nutbag parents in front of the bright lights and television audience of millions, all in an attempt to prove what a "normal" family they are. A "normal" family that gets a pre- babyproofed mansion as a gift from Oprah.

Now, of course, we have "Jon and Kate Plus 8," a TLC reality show dedicated to this couple with a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. We learn that they are also Christians and full of their own infertile shit. I love how these families are always religious, as if subverting god's own will is going to get you into the express lane to heaven. There's a reason he made you infertile, asshole! Fuck, they're not blessings, they're science experiments. Allah forbid you just adopt a kid or two and leave it at that.

I was watching "Jon and Kate Plus 8" a few weeks ago and Kate was talking about how she gets the kids to line up for shit. She says something like, "I just say, 'Birth order,' and they just know. They know that their birth order was chosen by god." No, not so much. Their birth order was chosen by which fetus was closest to the hole they cut in your overstuffed uterus. And the neonatologists did that, not god. Or Jesus.

There is nothing at all normal or healthy about a woman carrying more than, like, three babies in her at once. And even triplets is a stretch, both morally and anatomically. I can't believe any insurance company in this country would be willing to cover the delivery of eight premature babies at once and the subsequent ten years in the NICU they'll require. But then again, I guess that's what Oprah's for.

18 Krazy Kids Iz Kool

First of all, LOL at that picture. Secondly, I got major beef with this family. They're the Duggars and they have a show on TLC called "17 Kids and Counting," or "And Baby Makes 18," or "And Jesus Sayeth Unto Us: Fucketh Until You Dropeth." I forget. Anyway, you get the idea: 18 kids + evangelical Christianity = reality tv gold.

And I hope you don't think I'm implying they're racists by the title of this post. I would never make such a sweeping indictment of a group of white religious extremists. Because we all know that religious nutbags are never any kind of "ists" or "ophobes" or "judgemental assholes." I just thought it looked nice.

On December 18, 2008, the mom gave birth to the eighteenth kid in this family. It was a girl they named Jordyn-Grace, because all the kids have names starting with the letter J. I was definitely disappointed she didn't squeeze out another boy, because then they could have named him Jesus. Or Jesus Bob. The birth of little Jordyn-Grace was chronicled on a TLC special and I watched it. I don't know why; I guess it's that masochism coming back into play. I think I like the parents because they remind me of a real life Ned and Maude Flanders from The Simpsons. You know, painfully nice, soft spoken, and batshit crazy into religion.

But it gets better. Cause tonight, we get "A Very Duggar Wedding" that follows the oldest Duggar child as he prepares to get married at the rip old age of 20. From the previews, we learn that he and his blushing bride-to-be followed a strict Christian form of asceticism and didn't even kiss before their nuptials. Didn't even kiss. Didn't even kiss. Oh shizz! That was the hook for me!

I do have to give it up to the Republicans via the evangelical Christians in da South, though. Deal with a diversifying America? Fuck you! If we can just get all the crazy Christian white folks to have 20 kids a piece, we won't have to compromise the Joe the plumber crowd. We'll balance out all them damn latinos and force America back to the 1800s, complete with no tv, no Democrat Party, and lots of creepy pioneer dresses for the girls. Praise be to god.

Godspeed, You Black Emperor

Dear President Obama,

First of all, great speech. You made me tear up again. And thank you for giving us non-believers a shout out. That was unexpected, given all the god shit goin' down on the dais. I did chuckle a bit when you stumbled over the oath of office (that prick John Roberts; he has one job to do and fucks it up!) but it made you human. And I was very glad to hear you, Senator Feinstein, and even Rick Warren kick dirt in George Bush's eye right in front of his face. That made me smile, too, even though I was rollin' my eyes during Warren's Jesus shit. And how great is it to officially say, "Former president George W. Bush." Former. As in the past.

I didn't get the poet but I hate poetry that doesn't rhyme. If she had written that poem in Seussical fashion, I would have loved it. I did like the black preacher, though, cause his shit rhymed. Talk about loling! Brown is indeed stickin' around!

I was a bit disappointed that you didn't sprout horns and start eatin' people's faces after taking the oath, but I guess you can't be all things to all people. You did look very presidential, downright majestic and regal at times, and you'll look great in your White House portrait. And the girls looked freakin' adorable, as usual. I hate kids but I love your girls.

In short, you are a rockstar and the world is at your feet. Now for god's sake, don't fuck it up or get shot. Please.

Yours in christ, always,
Beelzebub

E Pluribus Dumb

I have a hate/hate relationship with my fellow Americans. They're wrong on every single crucial issue: George Bush, Republicans, gay marriage, Jesus, evolution, climate change, international relations (*cough* Israel *cough*), guns, drugs, and Sanjaya Malakar. Just when I was ready to take up and move to China, they elect Obama and a Democratic Congress and I rethink my utter antipathy toward them. On November 4th and 5th, I really felt like we were the movie monster who redeemed himself at the end of the movie when we decided to quit cracking skulls and use our powers for good. As I was celebrating Obama's victory with a trip to a classy titty bar in Asscrack, West Virginia (not to be confused with Bumfuck, Maryland, where I live) the weekend after, I drunkenly declared, "We're back, bitches!" I was so happy, and not just because it was midget stripper night.

Invariably, my hopes and happiness get dashed quicker than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt (man, I gotta quit with these shitty analogies). Barely a week after Obama's election, there were stories of crosses being burned into the lawns of black Obama supporters in Georgia, nooses being hanged, Hitler-worshipping white supremacists being arrested for saying they were going to go on a cross country black killing spree that would end with the coup de grace- a dead Obama, and my personal favorite, "second graders on a bus in Idaho chanting, 'Assassinate Obama'." And this is just after the election; all year, we had to deal with charges that Obama was Muslim, Arab, a Black Panther, a communist, has terrorist buddies, and, of course, that he's the anti-Christ. Even John McCain himself had to talk down a racist asshole when she said something like, "I don't want Obama to be president because he's an Arab."

Today, my beef is a little less serious but illustrates why I have to hang my head and sigh when admitting my nationality. The second most popular story on MSN, after an article on tonight's full moon, is "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" This story is more popular than the escalating shitfight in Gaza, the 7.2% unemployment rate, the 2.8 million jobs lost in 2008, Bush's request for more bailout money, the disastrous week on Wall Street, and our general slide into hell and chaos. "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" I can't think of anything more critical to our survival. I'm surprised Oprah's admission that she was depressed last year didn't crack the top five.

It reminds me of something Jon Stewart said in '04 about the coverage of the Iraq war. "As CNN was showing the rotting corpses of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the news ticker across the bottom said, 'Beyonce doesn't like the word bootylicious.'" But then again, Stewart and I are pretentious liberals who denigrate the "average Joe the plumber" with our "intellectual pride" (what's that about?) and holier than thou humor. Oh Sarah. Thank Jebus you haven't gone away. The idiots need you.

Sweet Negro Jesus!

Just so you don't think I'm racist, "Negro Jesus" is the actual title of this picture. Anyway, I was bored and surfin' the Internet pages of the right-wing British paper The Telegraph and came across the following headline: "Sacha Baron Cohen's black Jesus to shock America." The description of the article is, "Sacha Baron Cohen is preparing to shock America with his latest film, which is said to contain a black model called Jesus wearing a loincloth and a crown of thorns." LOL.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, terrifies white hicks quite like the notion that Jesus was black / Arab / not totally white. I remember way the hell back in 2004 when The Passion of the Christ came out, and among the charges of anti-Semitism and other sundry criticism Mel Gibson received for that sadistic piece of dead languaged shit based on Jewish fairytales from the Bronze Age, was that he cast a white guy named Jim Caviezel as Jesus. He went to all the trouble of making the actors learn Aramaic and Latin, filmed the movie entirely in those languages and initially didn't want English subtitles because Jesus couldn't read (actually, he just wanted the audience to focus on the horrible torture of Jesus by the Joooos! rather than read *scoffs* the actual dialogue among the characters), but he couldn't be bothered to cast an Arab-looking guy to play Jesus. Of course, that didn't bother America. The Passion is the most successful R-Rated movie in history.

I saw it at a theater nearby when it first came out, mainly because I'm a mashochist and enjoy having my eyes raped by the steaming piles of gooey baby shit that passes for "art" in our time. The theater was packed with every shade of obese, cross-clutching Jesus freak this side of the Mississippi and when it ended, people actually stood up and cheered. Everyone did, except me. There was this black guy in front of me who was crying, and not because Jesus was played by a white dude. He was seriously that moved by this two-hour bondage film about a fictional character. I, on the other hand, was shocked. Don't get me wrong- I heart movie violence. But I, like a dumbass, thought the movie was going to star Jesus and not his bleeding nail-on-a-whip wounds.

And I can't remember why I bothered with this post. Oh yeah, Borat's new movie. Atheism good. Religion bullshit, and all that. Man, I need a drink.

Not Another Israel Post

I'm sick of that shit so I'm going to ramble incoherently for this particular entry. Here are some things that are chapping my lily white ass right now:

Number one: The cover of Joe The Liar's new book. Presumably, "Joe The Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream" means fighting against the forces of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America under a fake persona with an exposed ass crack via a book that was ghostwritten by someone smarter than you.
-Nostradamus, his fan club, and Nostradamus-related programming. He was not a prophet. He wrote vague statements about the events of his day that people later interpreted as prophecy. Sort of like the people who wrote the Bible. Take this quatrain: "The sky will burn at 45 degrees / Fire approaches the great New City / Immediately a huge scattered flame leaps up / When they want to have proof of the Normans." Clearly this references airplanes flying into the Twin Towers on 9/11. Because if there's one thing the hijackers hated, it was a lack of proof of the fuckin' Normans! Goddammit, they hated that shit! I think that's also mentioned in sentence one of bin Laden's first fatwa against the U.S. Check it. But it does teach me an important lesson if I ever decide to enter prophecy as a profession: if it's vague bullshit, the people will come. I just want to thank the History Channel for airing three successive and sincere programs on this asshat.

-The Bible Code. Basically like Nostradamus for your computer nerd religious fanatics, the Bible Code is supposedly a series of secret messages hidden in the Bible that can only be found via a computer program that runs a series of matrices on the text to find vague, chopped up words that, if you squint your eyes and damage your cerebral cortex, clearly predicts events of our day. If god is omnipotent, then I think he can do better than "the assassin will assassinate" in reference to Yitzhak Rabin's murder. Yeah, god, assassinate is what assassins tend to do. Funny thing is, some Australian scientist ran the same matrix on "Moby Dick" and found similar shit. So I think there's one thing to conclude here: HERMAN MELVILLE WAS THE SECOND COMING AND WE FUCKIN' MISSED IT! OMFG!

-Educational bureaucracy. It took me a half hour to unenroll from a community college where I was planning on studying something in the medical field. I had to fill out a form in one building, drive to the other side of campus to get it signed by my advisor, drive back to the first building, and then take the form to three different offices to have it notarized by two different people. And you know they'll still send me a bill for the classes I'm now unenrolled from.

-My town's roundabout. In an effort to be cool, European-like, and save money on another useless traffic light, my town erected a roundabout (or "traffic circle," if you're a lame Yank) near said community college. Problem is, the local yokels cannot figure it out. As I was passing through it today, a guy in a truck did like a 380 in it; he went around it completely then took the right he was closest to when he pulled up to the damn thing. During that minute he was driving around, he must have been pissing himself in terror that he'd died, been sent to hell, and give this Sisyphean task as eternal punishment for his inability to understand the hard science of yielding to your left and exiting to your right. And I'm sure he's not the only one who's had that existential crisis while frantically trying to exit this black hole of a demon known as our town's roundabout.

-Maintaining this constant level of outrage. It's exhausting. :)

Don't Imitate The Jews

I only read the op-ed section of my hometown paper when I'm bored or feel like insulting my intelligence. It's always filled with the paranoid, ill-informed rantings of the paranoid, ill-informed hicks who populate the tri-state area around my confused little town. I just happened to peruse this particular section today, and was greated by an article titled "Don't Imitate the Europeans." The author took issue with a previous op-ed written from the standpoint of a secularist (yeah, I'm not the only one in Appalachia) and conveniently, for my mocking pleasure, numbered her points.

The article kicks off thusly:

"1. That government’s “task” is to provide that “individual believers holding diverse convictions may challenge one another without ... interference.” Untrue. The First Amendment provides that government will not prefer one religion over another; and it forbids one’s harassment of another."

OK, the first part of your rebuttal is true and the second part is not. It's not true because you're using a red herring. What the first author wrote was that we may challenge each other's religions without interference, which is absolutely legal and a right recognized in any free society. We're discouraged from harassing people about it and it's illegal to discriminate others on the basis of their religion or lack of religion. Maybe you should remember that last part.

2. "That '(t)he greater the distance between church and state ... , the greater our religious liberty.' False. Complete neutrality, or absence of religious involvement in government affairs and vice versa, is termed “laicite.” It is the political system of secularism, which suppresses expression of religious belief in public and oppresses those who do it. By definition, religious freedom is “the freedom of an individual or community, in public or private, to manifest religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance” (source: Wikipedia)."

False false. You make the typical Republican logical fallacy of characterizing secularism as an organized political movement as opposed to a philosophy. The First Amendment protects against what you're freaking out about and banning religious practices or customs could never legally happen here, provided the First Amendment can survive the last 14 days of the Bush presidency.

"A leading secular state is France, where in 2004, religious symbols were banned in public schools. President Nicolas Sarkozy criticizes this type of “negative laicite;” and he intends to develop a “positive laicite,” which, as noted at Wikipedia, “recognizes the contribution of faith to French culture, history and society, allows for faith in the public discourse and for government subsidies for faith-based groups.” As France strives to progress beyond its stymieing century-old secular politics, the United States would be unwise to regress to embrace them."

I did LOL a little when I first read this. I have to respectfully disagree that increased secularism would be a step backwards for the U.S. I agree that the government shouldn't concern itself with banning religious symbols and clothing (which was the main point of the French law; it banned niquabs and yarmulkes in schools). In fact, government shouldn't deal in religion at all! Wow! Thank you for making my point for me! And this is the second time you've cited Wikipedia. Someone should have told you that's not a reputable source and if this were a college paper, you'd ge a D.

"French historian Alexis de Tocqueville, in his 1835 work Democracy in America, finds the synergy of faith and politics that he experiences here remarkable; and he concludes that religion in society is necessary to temper government’s propensities to seize authority (or to impose priority) over peoples’ expression of their convictions, and to inhibit peoples’ tendencies to surrender it."

I don't recall this particular summation in Democracy in America, though it's been four years since I read it and the book is 676 pages long. It's likely that deTocqueville was being ironic. He was also found our propensity to sue remarkable, which is impressive when you consider he wrote DIA in 1835. Not to mention American history is littered with instances when the government "seized authority over peoples' expression of their convictions." Where have you been the past eight years? Oh right. You're a Republican. So seizing authority over secularists'/peaceniks'/dissenters'/brown people's expression of their convictions is what the government is supposed to do. As long as your rights aren't being impeded, there's no problem.

"French philosopher Jacques Maritain, a drafter of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights, is quoted at Wikipedia praising the U.S. model of religious freedom in the mid-20th century as superior because it had both 'sharp distinction and actual cooperation' between church and state. He called it 'an historical treasure.' He begged: 'Please to God that you keep it carefully, and do not let your concept of separation veer round to the European one.'"

The mid-20th Century. The mid-20th Century. Hmm...I'm trying to recollect what might have just occured around that time period in Europe that may have contributed to this quote but, damn, my lackluster American education is failing me. I think it was something to do with Jews and golden stars and gas chambers but I'm not sure. Maybe I should check Wikipedia.

It always insults me when religious people somehow try to twist the First Amendment or the writings of the Founding Fathers to support this notion that we're a Christian country (and just an FYI, The Federalist Papers pushing for the ratification of the Constitution were first published as a series of letters to the editors. A series of op-eds started this country!). The first European colonists may have been nutbag Christian fundamentalists but we were not established as a haven for this kind of warped world view. We're a beacon of religious freedom, which includes freedom from religion for millions of us rationalists. Israel is what happens when you "found" a country based on only one religion (and for only one religion).

To quote the late, great Henry David Thoreau, "The government is best which governs the least." So you can worship your invisible space god and I can worship my Richard Dawkins. Live and let live.

Is It The Apocalypse Yet?

I almost got excited over the news that Israel is bombing the shit out of Gaza, prompting massive protests in the Muslim world over the 300 or so Palestinians who have died in nonstop rocket attacks since a ceasefire pact expired last week. Now, I don't want you to think I'm a sadist. I'm not. I'm just an atheist who is totally obsessed with the notion of The End.

The nihilist in me is really hoping this is the beginning of Armageddon. Of course, it can't really be the beginning of the end because not all the Jews are back in Israel and Obama hasn't taken office yet (Obama being the anti-Christ; read your Bibles, bitches!). But this is a good start.

I was ready to write a post blasting Israel but since I'm currently doped up on Ativan, I'm feeling vulnerable, indifferent, and slightly gooey at my center. Uh, anyway, I happened to read this lovely article in The Independent defending Israel and now I'm all confused.

There are a few components of this current iteration of the ancient Muslim-Jew blood feud that I'm having problems with. Firstly, *chuckles* literally the first thing the United States said (via our not at all incompetent Secretary of State Condi Rice) after the rockets burst in air was, "We blame the Muslims currently being destroyed by mortar fire for startin' dis shit. Y'all should have known who you be fuckin' with. Jewz 4 Lyfe!"*. That struck even me as heartless and cruel. Apparently the initial round of rocket attacks began in broad daylight, when the Israelis knew damn well there would be civilians and children around. So to turn around and blame these same people for starting the shit in the first place feels a touch insane. That's like blaming Iraqi civilians for goading us into invading their country.

Anyway, the article in The Independent basically breaks down the dichotomy of Israel. Should it exist or not? And if it should, how far should it go to defend itself? Is it a victim? Is it a bully? Blah blah blah. Basically, it's the same debate people have about the United States. It just makes me think that Israel is our total Mini-me. They're our little buddy; the "us" of the Middle East. We both can shoot you the big puppy dog eyes while bombing the shit out of something behind your back. We're two peas in a fucked up pod.

*a Beelzebub original translation

And now for something completely different...Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich appointed a 71-year-old black guy named Roland Burris to fill Obama's vacated Senate seat. The Democratic leadership in Illinois is laughing at Blago and saying there's no fuckin' way they'll confirm this guy. I legitimately cannot believe Blago hasn't stepped down yet. He's like the energizer bunny of bullshit crooks. Maybe it's that hair. Fuck, that's the only way he'll be taken down; we must rip that hell hair off his head, thus rendering his powers useless! I'm also interested to know how much this Burris guy paid for that seat or if he "won" it the old-fashioned way- through smokey backroom quid pro quo wheelin' and dealin'. Anyway, I'm interested to see if the Democrats in Illinois actually do something about Blago or if they pussy out as usual.

All this and it's still 2008! Here's hoping 09 is half as interesting. :)

Child Labor Globalization Is Chic

I certainly cleaned up today. I got a closet's worth of new clothes, some books, and three seasons worth of Bullshit!. Jesus' birthday was very good for this atheist.

As per holiday tradition, I went through all of the tags on my new clothes to laugh at the countries they were made in: Hong Kong, India, China, Cambodia, and Mexico all made the list. I just want to make one thing clear: I do not support child labor in the First World. I find it barbaric and sickening. But dammit, I am a sucker for a finely stitched sweater! I just want to thank the six-year-old who crocheted this gorgeous pattern on my new turtleneck:

It's actually purple; I'm not sure why it's showing up as red. I blame the communist idiots in China who made my Sony Cyber-shot digital camera. Anyway, I wonder if she knows purple is a regal color. Doubt it. But she certainly has a future in...aw, she doesn't have a future! But thanks!

It's no wonder America died this year. India and China's economies are so booming they have to employ children. Way to rub it in, Third World Asian countries! I mean, how are we supposed to compete with that? Our six-year-olds are too busy not learning anything in our horribly underfunded public schools. And those damn American auto workers, with their demands for safe working conditions and decent wages! You know who else said shit like that? One Karl Marx! I guess it's a good thing the auto industry collapsed so we can finally break their backs and get back to paying workers in lint and verbal abuse. Hey, it's the only feasible way we can compete with the sweatshops powerhouses in Asia- by reverting back to societal standards circa The Jungle. And I promise that's my last use of the strikeout thing this post. ;)

Nah, I actually don't mind that everything I wear, drive, eat, and think originated in other countries. I'm just embarrassed that we can't even make our own patriotic shit in America anymore. We've outsourced flag-making! Way to be "country first," Republicans! You know we're fucked when our "America Is #1" foam fingers come made in China.

Anyway, hope your Xmas went well. I also hope you bewared the gun-totin' Santas. Geesh.

The Following Dumb Things Make Me lOLz

-Watching that kickass Iraqi journalist throw his shoes at George Bush's face. It will never get old and gives poignant new meaning to the phrase "shoeicide bomber." But I do have to take issue with the media reporting that his flying shoes represent only Muslim outrage at Bush. Believe me, no one hates Bush more than Americans right now.

-Knowing people are booking rooms in my hometown for Obama's inauguration, even though it's long, lonely, red two and a half hours away from Washington, D.C.

-The final election results from my county. We went almost 2:1 for McSame-Palin.

-The giant leaning Christmas tree downtown. I would have taken a picture but I kept laughing too hard to hold the camera straight. There's also a Santa Claus holding an American flag, which struck me as slightly insane.

-The Republican "outrage" over the Rod Blagojevich thing. And listening to tv hosts continually stumble over "Blagojevich."

-Listening to all the hicks who live in my hometown freak out over Obama's victory. One of them actually said: "I'm scared." What's to be afraid of? He's only the anti-Christ. And why are you afraid of the impending apocalypse? Isn't that what you nutbag Christians are trying to precipitate in the Middle East with your bizarrely vociferous support of Israel? Hell, man, look on the bright side! Obama's gonna be great for the sales of the Left Behind: It All Started November 4, 2008 series!

-Facebook status. It's just so narcissistic and stupid (unlike, say, having a blog where you espouse your worthless opinions). But at least I get to know whenever one of my "friends" is "so sad it's ridiculous" or "laughing so hard because McCain got beat like a cat gets beat down the stairs." (<--- They're real!) I mean, these are mostly people I haven't seen in five years or more and this is all I get about their lives since high school. And if it says anything...aw, fuck it. It doesn't say anything! It's just pointless inanity!

-Dick Cheney nonchalantly admitting he OK'd torture. And that Iraq never had WMDs (remember them?). And our collective indifference to those admissions.

-My mom's reaction to the Caylee Anthony case. OK, even I think it's sad that a two-year-old probably got killed by her mother, but my mom is acting like it's the first time the media has blown a filicide case out of proportion. I think she also views it as a reason she's a good mom, like I should be thanking her for not chloroforming me as a toddler. Uh, thanks Mom.

-Conservative bloggers. Get on talk radio! The blogosphere is our thing!

-Procrastination. I went to the big city today (Hagerstown, Maryland, population: 39,640) and every discount store I went to was packed with lazy (yet pushy and vicious) last-minute shoppers. While I was sitting in traffic waiting to leave the mall parking lot, I couldn't believe we're going through the worst economic crisis in 80 years. It certainly isn't keeping people out of the mall or off the roads. The way the media portrays it, every single American is spending the holiday season cowering in terror and hoarding their pennies in their soon-to-be-repossessed homes.

-That Iraqi journalist throwing his shoes at George Bush's face! You're my hero, man!

My Free Wishlist

Here's a quick post for a thing at Twentysomething bloggers:

"A wishlist of things you want that are free":

-To see Obama and his family walk into the White House, knowing he's a smart guy who's right for the job. And knowing the White House was constructed by slave labor. It'll be pretty righteous. :)

-To see George Walker Bush walk out of the White House. For. ever. And just generally putting a period at the end of the past eight years of shock and blah.

-I wouldn't mind witnessing a Nuremberg-style trial for the Bushites but I'd settle for closing Guantanomo Bay.

-To watch the swearing in of the Republican-lite 111th Congress.

-To see that Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at Bush win the Nobel Prize for Awesome.

-For 2009 to not suck, personally and professionally.

-To see this depression lift, personally and globally.

-That Sarah Palin continues to hang around. She makes me lOlz.

-Wuv and understanding. And more hugs. Hugs are always good.

-To see a less insane world. Or at least a world that's more 'good' crazy than 'batshit' crazy.

-For more people to just freakin' relax and laugh at shit. Humor does not have a partisan bias (though we libs are way funnier).

-For Obama to really be the anti-Christ. Wouldn't that be hilarious?!

God Is In Your Taxes

This is what boredom and insomnia will do to you: I just finished a marathon YouTube session (I'm officially over 8,000 videos watched!) that lasted about an hour and a half. OK, maybe an hour and a half isn't such a long time but when your normal posture ranks somewhere between Kurt Cobain and Quasimodo, sitting in a computer chair for an hour and a half can fuck up an already-fucked up back. Anyway, I digress. On to the topic at hand.

This is one of the coolest/weirdest videos I've seen about atheist campaigning. I'm always glad to see fellow atheists fighting for our constitutional rights against the "moral majority" and I'm always glad to see it done in creative/funny ways. I also enjoyed the tv hosts' faux shock at the idea that atheists actually exist and can afford billboards.

But what the fuck was up with that religious right-winger radio host? "Income tax doesn't not exist just because somebody doesn't believe in it. And the same is true with our creator, god." Um, yeah. That is easily the damn dumbest analogy I've ever heard. Well, dude, I know income tax exists because I can see where the government has taken it from me each paycheck. I can see it and I can feel it. God? Not so much. Maybe if god wants to make his presence known, he should send himself to Earth in the form of tax.

Actually, upon second thought, God and government have a lot in common. Both are primarily concerned with taking money from its people under false pretenses. Both are obsessed with image and concerned with the adherence to arbitrary laws. Both are war-mongering hypocrites. And both get national holidays for their shit.

But I do have to give the random dudes who wrote the Bible god his props for this gem, which is easily my favorite biblical verse:

Proverbs 22:14: "The mouth of strange women is a deep pit." Yes, it is.

Look How Far We've Come

My favorite president is Thomas Jefferson. He was a genius in about everything he did (outside of the slave raping). He supported the full funding of education from kindergarten through university level. He wrote his own bible. He provided his personal library to start the Library of Congress. He negotiated the Louisiana Purchase. He was also a fellow dreaded secular progressive.

It always cracks me up to hear the Bill O'Reillys of the nation rant and rave about the nefarious impact people like me have on society with our wacky, liberal beliefs. I hate to break it to these people but we were a nation founded by secular progressives. Actually, we were founded by a group of secular radicals. The great thing about men like Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Benjamin Franklin, et al (and there are many great things about them) is that none of them would be considered great today. They'd be vilified by people like O'Reilly and reduced to some kind of wailing banshee demon like Howard Dean. It's like we started at the top and have just been sliding downhill ever since.

We've just gotten progressively dumber and (coincidentally) more religious over the years, which is completely bizarre and at odds with every other fucking First World country on earth. All those grand cathedrals in Europe may look impressive on postcards but come Sunday, they're as empty as the Federal Reserve. I was thinking about an exchange Bill Maher (my hero) had with Larry King a while back on this same topic. Larry said (I'm paraphrasing): "FDR always said 'I never went wrong relying on the American people.'" To which Bill Maher replied, "Well, people were smarter back then."

Maybe tv's to blame. Maybe the Internet. It just feels like we've devolved to the point where we're so narcissistic (and so very very dumb) that we could go, in just 199 years, from electing a man like Jefferson to electing a totally emotionally retarded, cipher, frat boy whose longest held job title pre-presidency was "alcoholic."

I am happy we elected Obama, because I feel like his victory sort of balanced out the past eight years of madness, but we'll be dealing with the repercussions of Bush's breathtaking ineptitude for years and years to come. And for that, I'd like to give a heartfelt "fuck you" to the red states for allowing this man to ransack America for nearly a decade. Because, really, without you, it wouldn't have been possible.

Richard Dawkins and Bill Maher are God

Yeah, she got shut down. This definitely tickled me. It also reminded me of a somewhat heated appearance Bill Maher made on "Scarborough Country" a while back.



And this is why I don't believe in religion. I could make a serious argument for why religion's bullshit but I prefer the devastating humor of people like Dawkins and Maher. Thank you and good night.

"My Wit's Diseased"

"This is not about political direction, this is about opening the doors for evil to permeate this nation to its very fiber." Actual comment at http://pmailletblogs.blogspot.com/ about the idea of a Barack Obama presidency. I, like the moron I am, commented on the obvious irony of this post. It was a kneejerk reaction. I feel bad that I may have distracted that poor woman from memorizing biblical passages and crying over the impending destruction of Israel.

When one googles "Obama antichrist," one gets this: "Results 1 - 10 of about 1,170,000 for obama antichrist. (0.18 seconds)". When I typed in "barack obama anti" I got a field of autopopulated results that included: "anti-gun" (495,000 results), "anti-semitic" and "anti-israel" (1,179,000 combined results), "anti-white" (510,000 results), and "anti-america" (1,800,000 results). This isn't surprising, especially considering all the racist shit that went on all over the country right after Obama won. My favorite racist moment:

Second- and third-grade students on a school bus in Rexburg, Idaho, chanted
"assassinate Obama," a district official said.

Ahhhh, gotta love the future of America.

Sarah Palin Won't Go Away

Fresh off her election night ass-handing three weeks ago and her turkey holocaust last week, the Governor of Alaska is exploring her options. She recently spoke (all by herself!) at the Republican Governors Assocation and, you know, gave a fuckload of "exclusive" interviews to every cable station in this great land of ours. But good news for the vp wannabe! Incumbent Republican senator Saxby Chambliss wants her services in Georgia to help him win reelection!

Being insane, Chambliss said he wants her help because she's popular in Georgia. OK, even though she's not anywhere else in the country. In one of the infinite number of irrelevant polls taken on Election Day, one that stuck out in my mind is that a huge number of people in the suburbs think Palin is unqualified for high office. You cannot be a viable politician and be that loathed by the people in the 'burbs (where, you know, there's lot of voters). But, this being the GOP, they don't give a shit about the suburbs and their stinkin' commie politics (and their lots and lots of people). They want the white, dumbass, pointlessly religious, Joe the Plumber demographic to resurrect itself in 2012 behind- yes, you guess it!- Sarah "Africa is a Continent?" Palin! You think destroying John McCain's career and reputation in two short months would have been, you know, an obstacle to ascending in the ranks of the GOP. Nah, not for the Republicans. No, no, no, she gets the "star" treatment. She's the future and by "future," I mean George W. Bush circa 2000.

God, I was really hoping this one would fade into obscurity, like the crying Britney fan. But alas, she appears to have the staying power of "The Evolution of Dance."

Ballot Initiative Madness

Proposition 8 has passed in California. I'm legitimately shocked that it passed because I assumed that most people in that state are members of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America. I also didn't anticipate all the religious resistence they'd get to it (not realizing that there's a sizable Mormon population in CA). I suppose I'm guilty of viewing that state through a Berkeley/hippie lens but it's just surprising to me that California -of all states- voted to ban gay marriage. It wasn't surprising at all to me that similar measures passed in Florida and Arizona, because, well, those states suck ass.

But Californians didn't just vote to ban gay marriage; they voted to retroactively take away people's rights. It's totally fucked up and unfair. I'll never understand why religious people are so gay for gay people and why they can't just allow grown-ass adults live their own lives as they see fit. It's almost like Christians aren't happy unless they're demonizing some subgroup of society (which I hear Jesus was all about). But fuck it. All I can say to gay people is keep your chin up. Amendments can be amended; it's happened before when religious freaks got too much influence *cough* PROHIBITION *cough*. Your time will come.

The Nation's Got The Blues

Drink that shit up. There's a whole lot of fucking blue where there wasn't just four short years ago. How far we've come indeed.

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people commenting on the future of the Republican Party. I love how the media is acting like they'll go in some new, sane, non-Christiany direction. Puh-lease. The religious right is that party's eyewall; the notion that the GOP would drop kick them in favor of "attracting new voters" is ludicrous. The nutbag Christians are the reason the Republicans can always rely on the South to deliver red. And the fact that the brightest "star" in that party right now is Sarah Palin should speak volumes about the "new" direction they plan on going in. Karl Rovism may have failed this year, but like a malicious phoenix rising from the ashes, it'll be back. I'm sure it'll be just more of the insane same from the GOP.

Another Blow For Secular Progressives

Move over, Nevada! We Marylanders voted big to allow slot machines in the state. The ballot initiative allows for up to 15,000 slots in five counties, including the one I live in. I can tell you we need the jobs up here in Bumfuck, irrespective of the impending moral calamity the Christians are predicting.

I really love the Christian argument for why slots are so bad. Because "gambling" is bad. Oh really? Even though the proceeds will go towards funding public education? Oh, yeah. I forgot. They homeschool or put their kids in fortresses away from the progeny of the evil and dreaded secular progressives. And you know these are the same people who play the lotto and hit the bingo halls with the gals every week while not noting the delicious moral hypocrisy of it all.

This reminds me of a conversation Marge Simpson and Maude Flanders had on an old episode of "The Simpsons." It was the one where the hurricane destroys the Flanders' home:

Marge: Well at least your homeowner's insurance will cover the damages.

Maude: Oh, we don't have homeowner's insurance. Neddy considers it a form of gambling.

I never got the joke as a kid but it just keeps getting funnier as I age.