A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Just Some lOLz

-A hilarious post script to the octuplet story- the mother already has six kids. And all fourteen (that's 14) of her children were conceived using sperm from the same donor. And she's single and still lives with her parents. LOL

-Rush Limbaugh is being touted as the "new" voice of the "new" Republican Party. I'm sorry, is this 1993? Speaking of the Republican Party, they elected Michael Steele as the new head of the RNC. Cause what better way to counter the popularity of Barack Obama than to elect a senatorial loser like Michael Steele? But hey, at least he's black! And he was lieutenant governor of Maryland! Way to go Republicans! Way to not make empty gestures of conciliation to ethnic minorities, who are abandoning your party in droves!

-The "recession" is going to get worse and when recovery does come, it will be "slow and weak." Thanks, MSN!

-I have a migraine and I think my head is going to split open! Yay! Have a great fuckin' weekend, y'all! I certainly will!!!!!!!!111

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lord, Bless This Bounty For Which We Are About To Conceive

In case you haven't heard, a set of octuplets was born in California last week. All eight babies are said to be doing well, as it their mother. As usual when a woman gives birth to a litter of Frankenstein children, the media is going gaga apeshit over this news. Personally, I find it highly disturbing. Highly.

We don't know much about the mother, because she and her doctors are in some sort of weird media blackout, only occasionally updating us on the status of these freak kids. But we can surely conclude that mother used fertility drugs and that she's a paranoid narcissist.

Because, seriously. How fuckin' full of your own infertile shit do you have to be to think you deserve to have six plus children at once? Only in America is this type of behavior celebrated and encouraged. Remember the McCaughey septuplets, the world's first surviving set of seven babies, born in Iowa in 1997? I do. They were on Oprah the following year, paraded out by their Christian nutbag parents in front of the bright lights and television audience of millions, all in an attempt to prove what a "normal" family they are. A "normal" family that gets a pre- babyproofed mansion as a gift from Oprah.

Now, of course, we have "Jon and Kate Plus 8," a TLC reality show dedicated to this couple with a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. We learn that they are also Christians and full of their own infertile shit. I love how these families are always religious, as if subverting god's own will is going to get you into the express lane to heaven. There's a reason he made you infertile, asshole! Fuck, they're not blessings, they're science experiments. Allah forbid you just adopt a kid or two and leave it at that.

I was watching "Jon and Kate Plus 8" a few weeks ago and Kate was talking about how she gets the kids to line up for shit. She says something like, "I just say, 'Birth order,' and they just know. They know that their birth order was chosen by god." No, not so much. Their birth order was chosen by which fetus was closest to the hole they cut in your overstuffed uterus. And the neonatologists did that, not god. Or Jesus.

There is nothing at all normal or healthy about a woman carrying more than, like, three babies in her at once. And even triplets is a stretch, both morally and anatomically. I can't believe any insurance company in this country would be willing to cover the delivery of eight premature babies at once and the subsequent ten years in the NICU they'll require. But then again, I guess that's what Oprah's for.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Schadenfreude Is Where It's At

I hate to break it to y'all, but I'm still ridin' a slight Obamahigh. Ye olde rage well is runnin' a touch dry and whatnot. I am a bit miffed that he's yet to get a stimulus package through Congress (I seem to recall he told us he wanted to sign said lauded stimulus package into action on Day One) but I understand he's up against a mighty bureaucracy and there's still tons of pork shit to be hammered out, so I'm still willing to cut him some slack. At least until Black History Month. Then it's gonna be on like white on rice. I'm also officially going to hold Obama accountable if I don't get this government job I got lined up. So be prepared for a wall of bitchy shit to come down if I'm still unemployed this time next month.

But leave it to the bitter, insane right wing whiney assholes to jump all over Obama like a Kleenex at a snot party mere hours after he stumbled through the oath. Rush Limbaugh said, on inauguration day, "I hope he fails."

I hope you're happy with that quote. I had to travel to Rush Limbaugh's website to retrieve it and now I feel filthier than a Vegas whore. Clearly, this is the most outrageously unpatriotic thing any whiney little asshole could say, even one as whiney as Limbaugh. When you say you want the president to fail, you're saying you want this country to fail. Wanting America to fail = John Walker Lindh territory. God, it felt way too good to compare Rush Limbaugh to a member of the Taliban. But it's true. Look, if any person said those exact four words about George Bush this month six years ago- in the lead up to the Iraq invasion- Rush would have had no problem throwin' around the "you're a terrorist and want bin Laden's America-hatin' babies" routine. So consider it a dose of your own McCarthyite Oxycotin-laden medicine, Rush. You whiney little bitch.

But honestly, that statement didn't and doesn't really bother me. That's because for the past week, I've felt like Cartman at the end of that South Park episode where he makes that kid Scott Tenorman eat his parents (Cartman grinds his parents into a chili; it's actually really funny). When the kid realizes that he's just eaten his parents, Cartman says, "Oh, god, I love your tears, Scott. Please, let me taste your tears."

That's how I feel and it's great. Picture Scott Tenorman as Rush Limbaugh and me as Cartman and you've approximated my almost orgasmic ebullience over the past week at the Fox New brigade's hate-flavored tears. It's a blast to finally be able to throw their own shit right back in their faces. Don't support Bush Obama? Then you might as well be pissin' all over the hole in the ground at Ground Zero, hippie. Then you want the terrorists to win, commie. You're either with us or against us, Frenchie.

This is America. Love it or leave it, bitches.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

18 Krazy Kids Iz Kool

First of all, LOL at that picture. Secondly, I got major beef with this family. They're the Duggars and they have a show on TLC called "17 Kids and Counting," or "And Baby Makes 18," or "And Jesus Sayeth Unto Us: Fucketh Until You Dropeth." I forget. Anyway, you get the idea: 18 kids + evangelical Christianity = reality tv gold.

And I hope you don't think I'm implying they're racists by the title of this post. I would never make such a sweeping indictment of a group of white religious extremists. Because we all know that religious nutbags are never any kind of "ists" or "ophobes" or "judgemental assholes." I just thought it looked nice.

On December 18, 2008, the mom gave birth to the eighteenth kid in this family. It was a girl they named Jordyn-Grace, because all the kids have names starting with the letter J. I was definitely disappointed she didn't squeeze out another boy, because then they could have named him Jesus. Or Jesus Bob. The birth of little Jordyn-Grace was chronicled on a TLC special and I watched it. I don't know why; I guess it's that masochism coming back into play. I think I like the parents because they remind me of a real life Ned and Maude Flanders from The Simpsons. You know, painfully nice, soft spoken, and batshit crazy into religion.

But it gets better. Cause tonight, we get "A Very Duggar Wedding" that follows the oldest Duggar child as he prepares to get married at the rip old age of 20. From the previews, we learn that he and his blushing bride-to-be followed a strict Christian form of asceticism and didn't even kiss before their nuptials. Didn't even kiss. Didn't even kiss. Oh shizz! That was the hook for me!

I do have to give it up to the Republicans via the evangelical Christians in da South, though. Deal with a diversifying America? Fuck you! If we can just get all the crazy Christian white folks to have 20 kids a piece, we won't have to compromise the Joe the plumber crowd. We'll balance out all them damn latinos and force America back to the 1800s, complete with no tv, no Democrat Party, and lots of creepy pioneer dresses for the girls. Praise be to god.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Took All The Ws Off The Keyboards And All I Got Was This Lousy New Pepsi Ad

Obviously, I have nothing of actual import to bitch about (assuming the hot Facebook topic has been settled). Obama signed an executive order to close Gitmo, Obama is still alive, and I'm feeling- get this- happy and optimistic about the future. Gross. So clearly, the past few days have been a living hell for your sarcastic, cynical, bitter girl. I'm hoping I'm not coming down with an acute personality change, cause then I may have to spend more time among my fellow homo sapiens and not in this here 'puter chair. Again, gross.

So yeah. As I was tearfully watching the inauguration coverage on CNN and MSNBC, I kept noticing this new Pepsi ad that spans generations and oldass Pepsi cans. The new commercial ends with the slogan, "Every generation refreshes the world." Not to mention the above ad, which clearly apes the Obama "change" sign and steals word-for-word his entire campaign platform. And, well, I think that's dumb. So there's that.

Also, I kept waiting for CNN to outdo its lameass Election Day holograms with something equally lameass, but it didn't (because, really, how does a network outdo a dancin', holographic will.i.am?). I thought that satellite photo they kept promoting was actually pretty cool, even though their loud, hyberbolic description of the millions of people on the Mall was indeed lameass: "They look like a swarm of ants!" and "They look like millions of tiny ants!" and other ant-related comparisons. Yeah, wow! It's a picture taken from fuckin' space! Look at them miniscule folk an 'em! They look like ants on an anthill about to devour the White House pic-a-nic basket! Jesus Christ, shut up and get back to the cuteness that is Sasha and Malia!

And speaking of the First Children, have they gotten their puppy yet? What kind? From where? And is it a mut, like Obama? Fuck, now that was a news story with legs! Where for art thou, First Puppy? Among other pressing issues of the week, like Michelle Obama's universally-panned inaugural dress. Christ, lady! You graduated from Princeton and Harvard and that's the best you can do? Why did you waste all that time developing your mind when you could have been studying haute couture? Think! Jackie O ain't remember for her dissertation!

Anyway, that's the best I can do on this sunny Friday. I can only hope that Obama's change depresses me at some point.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Godspeed, You Black Emperor

Dear President Obama,

First of all, great speech. You made me tear up again. And thank you for giving us non-believers a shout out. That was unexpected, given all the god shit goin' down on the dais. I did chuckle a bit when you stumbled over the oath of office (that prick John Roberts; he has one job to do and fucks it up!) but it made you human. And I was very glad to hear you, Senator Feinstein, and even Rick Warren kick dirt in George Bush's eye right in front of his face. That made me smile, too, even though I was rollin' my eyes during Warren's Jesus shit. And how great is it to officially say, "Former president George W. Bush." Former. As in the past.

I didn't get the poet but I hate poetry that doesn't rhyme. If she had written that poem in Seussical fashion, I would have loved it. I did like the black preacher, though, cause his shit rhymed. Talk about loling! Brown is indeed stickin' around!

I was a bit disappointed that you didn't sprout horns and start eatin' people's faces after taking the oath, but I guess you can't be all things to all people. You did look very presidential, downright majestic and regal at times, and you'll look great in your White House portrait. And the girls looked freakin' adorable, as usual. I hate kids but I love your girls.

In short, you are a rockstar and the world is at your feet. Now for god's sake, don't fuck it up or get shot. Please.

Yours in christ, always,

Monday, January 19, 2009

Regime Change

The cost of the Iraq War: $589,505,206,491 / 100,000+ dead bodies

U.S. budget deficit: $1 trillion

The cost of corporate welfare ('08 only): $700 billion

The decline and fall of the American Empire?: Priceless

There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterRetard.

"Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almighty, we are free at last!"- Dr. King.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Bumfuck

"Z is for Zillah, who drank too much gin." - Edward Gorey.

Preface: I'm bored and uninspired at the moment. I was tempted to do a drunk post as an homage to woozie's awesomeness but opted against it for a variety of reasons (re: I fell asleep). Anyway, I woke up with the gin eyes and there's nothing new on the politics front for me to whine about so enjoy the following sober analysis:

You Know You're A (Drunk) Redneck When...

-a trip to Wal-Mart qualifies as Friday night entertainment.

I Know I'm Drunk When...

-I start seriously contemplating Britney Spears' life and career. Like why anyone would allow her to name her album Circus but then feeling sexist for thinking someone else named her album but then considering the notion that Britney Spears understands irony makes me shiver.

-The dimly-lit, maudlin ambiance of a local honky tonk stops bothering me.

-The Taylor Swift emanating from the jukebox stops offending my senses. In fact, it makes me down right giddy to the point I want to dance. And I don't dance.

-I can feel my pulse in my face.

-I lose my "Mid-Atlantic" accent completely in a Larry the Cable Guy-inspired, ear-raping Deep South burr.

I Know It's Time To Leave When...

-I start contemplating my life and career to the point of inebriated psychosis.

-I start theorizing with a complete stranger about the "significance" of the fact I was born on the thirtieth anniversary of James Dean's death and also share a birthday with Truman Capote ("Do you think I'm, like, imbued with cool?").

-The absurdity of the situation comes barreling down on me with the force of Fat Man / I start feeling like I'm in some awful b-movie from the 70s and the credits are about to roll.

-Even though I'm sipping a rum and coke, I can't stop fantasizing about the gallon jug of Club 400 gin my daddy has in the cubbard at home.

-I start yelling non-sequitirs from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas just to weird people out. "You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm sick of listening to this dogshit!" and "Still humping the American Dream, I see..." and "As your attorney, I advise you to slow down..."

-Every sentence begins with "yeah" and a giggle.

"To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer J. Simpson

Friday, January 16, 2009

More Crap In My Eye

The plan. I was tempted to give this one its very own post but it isn't worth it. Mother Dearest has been on me to come up with a "plan" for my life. I'm all like, "But I did the plan. The plan was college. My high school guidance counselor told me if I went to college, all the doors in the world would open up to me, flowers would bloom in the desert, Muslims and Jews would get it on, and my life would resemble a trendy sitcom about Modern Woman if I got a framed piece of paper with my full name on it. I did the plan. THE PLAN FAILED." I guess what she really means is that she wants me to solve this historic global economic crisis all by my lonesome in between blog posts and gin shots. "Well, you have to get a job," she bitches. Right. Because I haven't ever tried looking for a job. I'm waiting for one to knock on my bedroom door, take me by the hand, and introduce me to his (or her) HMO and 401k. Here's the rub, Ma: We're. In. A. Depression. No. One. Hires. In. A. Depression. Speaking of declaring the obvious...

Generation Y Job-Seekers Hit Hard. That's an actual article title on MSN. One, two, three: NO FUCKIN' SHIT! I really should quit reading MSN. It always pisses me off.

Automatic things. Everything is automated. Think about it. Doors, sinks, toilets, hand dryers, "people movers" (or as I call them, "flat escalators"). I was in a mall bathroom the other day (not soliciting a handjob, Senator Craig) and all of a sudden, I felt like I was living in a lame episode of The Jetsons. If, you know, people in the 60s thought automatic sinks were blazing new technology. The philosophy behind this shit is astounding. Automatic bathrooms? Well, we're saving trees by not wasting as much TP and paper towels. Wow, except for every piece of already recycled paper towel you save from being recycled again, you've wasted more than that in electricity to run this Lay-Z-Boy bathroom! You, sir, are a tool.

I, and you, are capable of touching things and wiping our own hands with paper towels. Allah gave us manual dexterity and opposable thumbs for a reason. Not to wave them under literally stupid computer chips that don't always detect our presence all in some vein attempt at eco-conscientiousness. Besides, every time I approach an automatic door, I get that Simpsons episode in my head where Bart sells his soul to Milhouse for a comic or something and all of a sudden he cannot walk through an automatic door because he lacks a soul. I have a mild panic attack every time I see an automatic door, knowing if it doesn't open, I'm most certainly soulless. Which leads me to my next beef...

I am the living embodiment of entropy. Entropy is the second law of thermodynamics that states the universe tends towards chaos and decay. I am that principle in action. More on that later.

The plane that crashed in New York yesterday. It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, it's a bird in a plane! I am legitimately relieved to hear there were no causalities, but come on! How insane is it that a plane crashes in New York on the very same day George Bush gives his farewell address on keeping us safe! Well apparently, he should have declared a War on Ducks because those fuckers almost killed 155 people yesterday. Or a War on Human Error. Remember the plane that crashed in Queens on November 12, 2001, killing 265? No you don't! Because it crashed from run of the mill, and way unsexy, piloting error. Certainly nothing to steamroll the Middle East over.

I don't believe in fate but if there is a god, he has a cruel sense of irony. I like that!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

See You In Hell, George (Plus A Meme!)

George Bush will give his farewell address tonight. Will I watch it? Um, no way. As the devil, I've had his number for years now and am warming a special place for him in Hades right next to my fiery ass. I'm sharpening my pitchfork and readying the other assholes in hell for his arrival.

That and I already know what he's going to say. Something along the lines of: "I'm the bestest president ever cause I dun crusaded agin' them Moose-lims who dun did Nine, One One. The Iraqistanis are liberated now and Afghanisland is Talibani free. I dun came in with a lousy economy and am leavin' y'all with a lousy economy. It ain't my fault. It's Clinton's. Now Laura and me are goin' back to Crawford Dallas to enjoy a kickass retirement. I might write me a autobiography about all the great stuff I dun decided on as president or I might start drinkin' again. Who knows? The world's my oil-ster! Nyuck nyuck! That was a joke! Git it? Jesus loves ya! Buh-bye, Bush 43."

And now for a meme. Like Can I just Say, I am far too cool to own an ipod so I had to settle with shuffling my iTunes. I'm sure you were worried about that. :)


1. Put your iPod/​iTune​s on shuff​le.​

2. For each quest​ion,​ press​ the next butto​n to get your answe​r.


4. Tag 3 people to complete this!

"Is She Weird"- Pixies

"Take A Bow"- Madonna (Yes! I am the coolest person in Appalachia, so you better bow down to the queen. Recognize, fool!)

"Satin in a Coffin"- Modest Mouse

"Raw Power"- The Stooges

"Violet"- Hole ("and the sky was all violet / I want again but violent more violent" Yes!)

"The First Taste"- Fiona Apple

"Rape Me"- Nirvana (not very often, I swear)

"Tromple le Monde"- Pixies

"Blue Jean"- David Bowie

"Gutless"- Hole (that's actually pretty accurate)

"700 Mile Situation"- Res

"O'Sailor"- Fiona Apple ("oh sailor why you'd do it / what'd you do that for")

"Monkey Gone To Heaven"- Pixies ("if man is five, if man is five, if man is five / then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six" Cute.)

"My Prerogative"- Britney Spears

"Rabbit Fur Coat"- Jenny Lewis (the COOLEST song in my catalogue)

"Spanish Caravan"- The Doors

"Goodbye Blue Sky"- Pink Floyd

"About A Girl"- Nirvana ("I take advantage while / you hang me out to dry / but I can't see you every night for free")

"Intimate Secretary"- The Ranconteurs

"Me Against The Music"- Britney Spears feat. Madonna

"Allison"- Pixies

"Store Bought Bones"- The Ranconteurs

"Erotica"- Madonna (haha)

"Extraordinary Machine"- Fiona Apple (A girl can hope)

"Melt Your Heart"- Jenny Lewis

"Sunshowers"- M.I.A. ("you wanna go? / you wanna win a war? / Like PLO, I don't surrendo" That's a little topical and odd.)

And I tag alana, haworth, and ambles. C'mon. You know you wanna waste time on this shit. ;)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Spin Cycle and Fake Dog Balls

Bush and Cheney are on a media blitz to try and convince us the past eight years were awesome and/or that Bush is some unrecognized genius that only time can vindicate. Sort of like Vincent Van Gogh, if, you know, Van Gogh were a retard who sucked at life. The whole gang have been real busy beavers these past few weeks lying and attempting to rewrite history. Dick Cheney actually said, "[The administration] didn't base going after Saddam Hussein on any connection with 9/11." Wow. Now see, I seem to recall the exact opposite that but I do have the memory of a pot smoker so this ain't cool, Dick! Don't fuck with my head like this! It's amazing that the lead up to the invasion was just six short years ago and they actually think they can make up bullshit about something that just happened and we all just lived through. God, make shit up about the War of 1812 or the Norman Conquest! How the hell would we know?

Karl Rove recently pulled the Bullshit Express into the Bill O'Reilly show to make shit up about Bush's apparently sweet legacy, but also to make shit up about the liberal media cabal to elect Obama (because they overstated the Depression we're currently in) and implying that if we get another 9/11, it'll be Obama's fault for being a pussy liberal.

I love how people say that Karl Rove is a genius for orchestrating George Bush's "wins" in 2000 and 2004. He's not a genius; he just stole his playbook from some 16-year-old gossipy bitch. John McCain has an adopted daughter from Cambodia? Not anymore! She's now an illegitimate black kid he had out of wedlock. That'll really rile some feathers among the Klan crowd in South Carolina. John McCain spent five years in a VietCong prison camp where he was horribly tortured? Well then he's clearly too crazy to be president. John Kerry is also a Vietnam War hero? No problem! We'll spread malicious lies that he overstated his war achievements by trotting out and paying some dudes who look like veterans to say he's full of shit. Nevermind the fact that Bush and Cheney were too craven to actually fight in Vietnam themselves. But hey, they had better things to do. Fuck you, Vietnam War! Obama is massively popular around the world? Piece of fuckin' cake! We'll just compare him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, thereby implying that his popularity is media-orchestrated and he's a braindead whore.

Karl Rove is not a genius. He's Perez Hilton without the sense of humor. This man, on the other hand, makes Einstein look like Special Ed:

Neuticals go for $85 for the original, $189 for the natural, and $349 for the ultra-plus. According to the genius himself, pets in all fifty states and 47 countries have reaped the benefits of ball implants to stem the tide of their denuting depression. Reach for the stars, kids! Anything is possible in this land of milk, honey, lies, and fake dog balls.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Cletus Says: Bush Isn't Totally Incompetent

This morning started off like many before it. I awoke after five hours of restless sleep pissed off, groggy, and in dire need of a bigass pot of coffee. But there was one slight difference: I happen to awaken in the Fox News Twilight Zone Where America Is Awesome All The Time. The front page of my hometown newspaper has a photo of an African woman and the following article summary: "Aid worker Sweetness Mzolisa poses at the Nocingile day care center in Khayelitsha, South Africa. From a windowless shed, Mzolisa leads a chorus of praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush." At first I thought I was hallucinating; after all, I didn't fall asleep until damn near 5 am today and once I did, I had a succession of horrifying nightmares involving the Twin Towers, dead fish, The Joker, and blogging (fuck!). But no, my hometown paper actually has the words, "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush," written in one non-ironic sentence.

I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).

Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

E Pluribus Dumb

I have a hate/hate relationship with my fellow Americans. They're wrong on every single crucial issue: George Bush, Republicans, gay marriage, Jesus, evolution, climate change, international relations (*cough* Israel *cough*), guns, drugs, and Sanjaya Malakar. Just when I was ready to take up and move to China, they elect Obama and a Democratic Congress and I rethink my utter antipathy toward them. On November 4th and 5th, I really felt like we were the movie monster who redeemed himself at the end of the movie when we decided to quit cracking skulls and use our powers for good. As I was celebrating Obama's victory with a trip to a classy titty bar in Asscrack, West Virginia (not to be confused with Bumfuck, Maryland, where I live) the weekend after, I drunkenly declared, "We're back, bitches!" I was so happy, and not just because it was midget stripper night.

Invariably, my hopes and happiness get dashed quicker than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt (man, I gotta quit with these shitty analogies). Barely a week after Obama's election, there were stories of crosses being burned into the lawns of black Obama supporters in Georgia, nooses being hanged, Hitler-worshipping white supremacists being arrested for saying they were going to go on a cross country black killing spree that would end with the coup de grace- a dead Obama, and my personal favorite, "second graders on a bus in Idaho chanting, 'Assassinate Obama'." And this is just after the election; all year, we had to deal with charges that Obama was Muslim, Arab, a Black Panther, a communist, has terrorist buddies, and, of course, that he's the anti-Christ. Even John McCain himself had to talk down a racist asshole when she said something like, "I don't want Obama to be president because he's an Arab."

Today, my beef is a little less serious but illustrates why I have to hang my head and sigh when admitting my nationality. The second most popular story on MSN, after an article on tonight's full moon, is "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" This story is more popular than the escalating shitfight in Gaza, the 7.2% unemployment rate, the 2.8 million jobs lost in 2008, Bush's request for more bailout money, the disastrous week on Wall Street, and our general slide into hell and chaos. "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" I can't think of anything more critical to our survival. I'm surprised Oprah's admission that she was depressed last year didn't crack the top five.

It reminds me of something Jon Stewart said in '04 about the coverage of the Iraq war. "As CNN was showing the rotting corpses of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the news ticker across the bottom said, 'Beyonce doesn't like the word bootylicious.'" But then again, Stewart and I are pretentious liberals who denigrate the "average Joe the plumber" with our "intellectual pride" (what's that about?) and holier than thou humor. Oh Sarah. Thank Jebus you haven't gone away. The idiots need you.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Sweet Negro Jesus!

Just so you don't think I'm racist, "Negro Jesus" is the actual title of this picture. Anyway, I was bored and surfin' the Internet pages of the right-wing British paper The Telegraph and came across the following headline: "Sacha Baron Cohen's black Jesus to shock America." The description of the article is, "Sacha Baron Cohen is preparing to shock America with his latest film, which is said to contain a black model called Jesus wearing a loincloth and a crown of thorns." LOL.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, terrifies white hicks quite like the notion that Jesus was black / Arab / not totally white. I remember way the hell back in 2004 when The Passion of the Christ came out, and among the charges of anti-Semitism and other sundry criticism Mel Gibson received for that sadistic piece of dead languaged shit based on Jewish fairytales from the Bronze Age, was that he cast a white guy named Jim Caviezel as Jesus. He went to all the trouble of making the actors learn Aramaic and Latin, filmed the movie entirely in those languages and initially didn't want English subtitles because Jesus couldn't read (actually, he just wanted the audience to focus on the horrible torture of Jesus by the Joooos! rather than read *scoffs* the actual dialogue among the characters), but he couldn't be bothered to cast an Arab-looking guy to play Jesus. Of course, that didn't bother America. The Passion is the most successful R-Rated movie in history.

I saw it at a theater nearby when it first came out, mainly because I'm a mashochist and enjoy having my eyes raped by the steaming piles of gooey baby shit that passes for "art" in our time. The theater was packed with every shade of obese, cross-clutching Jesus freak this side of the Mississippi and when it ended, people actually stood up and cheered. Everyone did, except me. There was this black guy in front of me who was crying, and not because Jesus was played by a white dude. He was seriously that moved by this two-hour bondage film about a fictional character. I, on the other hand, was shocked. Don't get me wrong- I heart movie violence. But I, like a dumbass, thought the movie was going to star Jesus and not his bleeding nail-on-a-whip wounds.

And I can't remember why I bothered with this post. Oh yeah, Borat's new movie. Atheism good. Religion bullshit, and all that. Man, I need a drink.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Not Another Israel Post

I'm sick of that shit so I'm going to ramble incoherently for this particular entry. Here are some things that are chapping my lily white ass right now:

Number one: The cover of Joe The Liar's new book. Presumably, "Joe The Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream" means fighting against the forces of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America under a fake persona with an exposed ass crack via a book that was ghostwritten by someone smarter than you.
-Nostradamus, his fan club, and Nostradamus-related programming. He was not a prophet. He wrote vague statements about the events of his day that people later interpreted as prophecy. Sort of like the people who wrote the Bible. Take this quatrain: "The sky will burn at 45 degrees / Fire approaches the great New City / Immediately a huge scattered flame leaps up / When they want to have proof of the Normans." Clearly this references airplanes flying into the Twin Towers on 9/11. Because if there's one thing the hijackers hated, it was a lack of proof of the fuckin' Normans! Goddammit, they hated that shit! I think that's also mentioned in sentence one of bin Laden's first fatwa against the U.S. Check it. But it does teach me an important lesson if I ever decide to enter prophecy as a profession: if it's vague bullshit, the people will come. I just want to thank the History Channel for airing three successive and sincere programs on this asshat.

-The Bible Code. Basically like Nostradamus for your computer nerd religious fanatics, the Bible Code is supposedly a series of secret messages hidden in the Bible that can only be found via a computer program that runs a series of matrices on the text to find vague, chopped up words that, if you squint your eyes and damage your cerebral cortex, clearly predicts events of our day. If god is omnipotent, then I think he can do better than "the assassin will assassinate" in reference to Yitzhak Rabin's murder. Yeah, god, assassinate is what assassins tend to do. Funny thing is, some Australian scientist ran the same matrix on "Moby Dick" and found similar shit. So I think there's one thing to conclude here: HERMAN MELVILLE WAS THE SECOND COMING AND WE FUCKIN' MISSED IT! OMFG!

-Educational bureaucracy. It took me a half hour to unenroll from a community college where I was planning on studying something in the medical field. I had to fill out a form in one building, drive to the other side of campus to get it signed by my advisor, drive back to the first building, and then take the form to three different offices to have it notarized by two different people. And you know they'll still send me a bill for the classes I'm now unenrolled from.

-My town's roundabout. In an effort to be cool, European-like, and save money on another useless traffic light, my town erected a roundabout (or "traffic circle," if you're a lame Yank) near said community college. Problem is, the local yokels cannot figure it out. As I was passing through it today, a guy in a truck did like a 380 in it; he went around it completely then took the right he was closest to when he pulled up to the damn thing. During that minute he was driving around, he must have been pissing himself in terror that he'd died, been sent to hell, and give this Sisyphean task as eternal punishment for his inability to understand the hard science of yielding to your left and exiting to your right. And I'm sure he's not the only one who's had that existential crisis while frantically trying to exit this black hole of a demon known as our town's roundabout.

-Maintaining this constant level of outrage. It's exhausting. :)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The Audacity of Audacity

Well, it's day eleven of Israel doing it's defendin' thang against them asshole idiot goat-fuckin' terrorists in Gaza, in case you haven't been keeping score. Or watching TV. Or surfing the Internet. So the Israelis attacked a school yesterday, killing 39 civilians. Big deal. That's where Hamas was hiding! Oh wait, no Palestinian militants were killed in that school attack? Well, *huffs* well, I heard that they were shooting at armed forces in the Israeli military! I mean, when armed forces in the military are shot at, you're supposed to respond by killing children! Israel has lost ten whole people since this started. Ten! Oh, there's been 670 Palestinian causalities? Dayum.

Yeah, I'm not sure how much longer our idiotic defense of Israel's actions can last given these incredibly lopsided numbers. It's getting more psychotic by the day to hear Israel whine about being a victim of periodic Hamas rocket attacks in civilian areas when they're the ones doing the constant rocketin' into schools and hospitals now.

But I happen to read something the other day that totally incensed me, and also offended and bemused me. I spent a while on the Jerusalem Post website in an attempt to stay fair and balanced like Bill O'Reilly when I came across an op-ed written by woman who actually insinuated that because Barack Obama hasn't said much on this conflict, it could force Israel to act hastily before Bush leaves to get what they want because Bush is Jew-friendly. Maybe I'm too outraged to get her true meaning, but I sincerely believe she is trying to blame some of their actions on Barack Obama's silence on this conflict. Barack Obama. The man who, in 13 days will become U.S. president. Not Israel's. God, what a Republican way to argue something! 9/11 is Bill Clinton's fault, even though G-Dub was in office at the time, and now this shit is Obama's fault when he's not even in a position to do anything about it yet! The woman said he should come out screaming in support of Israel and reaffirm America and Israel's special relationship. Bitch, we have one special relationship and it's with our mama England. Take a number.

And lest you think it's just Jews who are batshit nuts and blaming Obama for this current mess, today al-Qaeda number two Ayman al-Zawahiri said, and this is a direct fucking quote, "This is Obama whom the American machine of lies tried to portray as the rescuer who will change the policy of America. He kills your brothers and sisters in Gaza mercilessly and without affection." I've reread this sentence several times and I think I've succeeded in giving myself a slight stroke. I thought Obama was in D.C. working on the stimulus package; I didn't realize he was personally mowing down children in Gaza, and without affection no less! You think Perez Hilton would have posted a picture of that by now, maybe with a little cum dribbling down Obama's chin as he bayonets a small Muslim child. Of course, this is the same al-Zawahiri who called Obama a "house negro" or something to that effect after his victory in November and said he was a disgrace to "honorable" black Americans like Malcolm X. But it sounds nutty, even for a group as apeshit as al-Qaeda.

This day in history: Twenty nine years ago, Jimmy Carter gave $1.5 billion in loans to Chrysler, which the company was able to pay off in three years with the help of Lee Iacocca and his glorious, groundbreaking, genius mini-van concept. -Do you hear the choir of angels?- The mini-van would become a revolution in the auto industry and provide suburban soccer moms with a larger, 80s version of the station wagon that's still annoyingly cliche well into the 21st Century. That Iacocca prick's still alive, so they should dust him off and install him back as CEO. All he has to do is reinvent the wheel to save the American auto industry. And by "reinvent the wheel," I mean rip off those fuckin' Japs he so loathes.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Don't Imitate The Jews

I only read the op-ed section of my hometown paper when I'm bored or feel like insulting my intelligence. It's always filled with the paranoid, ill-informed rantings of the paranoid, ill-informed hicks who populate the tri-state area around my confused little town. I just happened to peruse this particular section today, and was greated by an article titled "Don't Imitate the Europeans." The author took issue with a previous op-ed written from the standpoint of a secularist (yeah, I'm not the only one in Appalachia) and conveniently, for my mocking pleasure, numbered her points.

The article kicks off thusly:

"1. That government’s “task” is to provide that “individual believers holding diverse convictions may challenge one another without ... interference.” Untrue. The First Amendment provides that government will not prefer one religion over another; and it forbids one’s harassment of another."

OK, the first part of your rebuttal is true and the second part is not. It's not true because you're using a red herring. What the first author wrote was that we may challenge each other's religions without interference, which is absolutely legal and a right recognized in any free society. We're discouraged from harassing people about it and it's illegal to discriminate others on the basis of their religion or lack of religion. Maybe you should remember that last part.

2. "That '(t)he greater the distance between church and state ... , the greater our religious liberty.' False. Complete neutrality, or absence of religious involvement in government affairs and vice versa, is termed “laicite.” It is the political system of secularism, which suppresses expression of religious belief in public and oppresses those who do it. By definition, religious freedom is “the freedom of an individual or community, in public or private, to manifest religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance” (source: Wikipedia)."

False false. You make the typical Republican logical fallacy of characterizing secularism as an organized political movement as opposed to a philosophy. The First Amendment protects against what you're freaking out about and banning religious practices or customs could never legally happen here, provided the First Amendment can survive the last 14 days of the Bush presidency.

"A leading secular state is France, where in 2004, religious symbols were banned in public schools. President Nicolas Sarkozy criticizes this type of “negative laicite;” and he intends to develop a “positive laicite,” which, as noted at Wikipedia, “recognizes the contribution of faith to French culture, history and society, allows for faith in the public discourse and for government subsidies for faith-based groups.” As France strives to progress beyond its stymieing century-old secular politics, the United States would be unwise to regress to embrace them."

I did LOL a little when I first read this. I have to respectfully disagree that increased secularism would be a step backwards for the U.S. I agree that the government shouldn't concern itself with banning religious symbols and clothing (which was the main point of the French law; it banned niquabs and yarmulkes in schools). In fact, government shouldn't deal in religion at all! Wow! Thank you for making my point for me! And this is the second time you've cited Wikipedia. Someone should have told you that's not a reputable source and if this were a college paper, you'd ge a D.

"French historian Alexis de Tocqueville, in his 1835 work Democracy in America, finds the synergy of faith and politics that he experiences here remarkable; and he concludes that religion in society is necessary to temper government’s propensities to seize authority (or to impose priority) over peoples’ expression of their convictions, and to inhibit peoples’ tendencies to surrender it."

I don't recall this particular summation in Democracy in America, though it's been four years since I read it and the book is 676 pages long. It's likely that deTocqueville was being ironic. He was also found our propensity to sue remarkable, which is impressive when you consider he wrote DIA in 1835. Not to mention American history is littered with instances when the government "seized authority over peoples' expression of their convictions." Where have you been the past eight years? Oh right. You're a Republican. So seizing authority over secularists'/peaceniks'/dissenters'/brown people's expression of their convictions is what the government is supposed to do. As long as your rights aren't being impeded, there's no problem.

"French philosopher Jacques Maritain, a drafter of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights, is quoted at Wikipedia praising the U.S. model of religious freedom in the mid-20th century as superior because it had both 'sharp distinction and actual cooperation' between church and state. He called it 'an historical treasure.' He begged: 'Please to God that you keep it carefully, and do not let your concept of separation veer round to the European one.'"

The mid-20th Century. The mid-20th Century. Hmm...I'm trying to recollect what might have just occured around that time period in Europe that may have contributed to this quote but, damn, my lackluster American education is failing me. I think it was something to do with Jews and golden stars and gas chambers but I'm not sure. Maybe I should check Wikipedia.

It always insults me when religious people somehow try to twist the First Amendment or the writings of the Founding Fathers to support this notion that we're a Christian country (and just an FYI, The Federalist Papers pushing for the ratification of the Constitution were first published as a series of letters to the editors. A series of op-eds started this country!). The first European colonists may have been nutbag Christian fundamentalists but we were not established as a haven for this kind of warped world view. We're a beacon of religious freedom, which includes freedom from religion for millions of us rationalists. Israel is what happens when you "found" a country based on only one religion (and for only one religion).

To quote the late, great Henry David Thoreau, "The government is best which governs the least." So you can worship your invisible space god and I can worship my Richard Dawkins. Live and let live.

Monday, January 05, 2009

You Had Me At 'Demonic Sex'

Oh boy! It's Armageddon Week on the History Channel and I'm in devil heaven. I'm currently watching a program on the Apocrypha and they're discussing Adam's first-wife-turned-bitchass-succubus Lilith. Tonight they're going to air "Seven Signs of the Apocalypse" and I can't fuckin' wait. I think I've seen it before (both the program and the signs) but I'm still looking forward to it...because there's no better way of ushering in a hopeful new year than to watch a series of shows dedicated to dissecting the myriad of ways we can all be killed. Way to piss all over my optimism parade, History Channel!

Switching gears...I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that Barack Obama is actually considering $300 billion in tax cuts. I had the same visceral response to this article as I did when I read that John McCain had selected Sarah Palin as his runningmate: "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me." I am no economic expert, but I do have a memory and seem to recall tax cuts were the first thing George Bush did exactly eight years ago after he took office. Obama's tax cuts are going toward lower and middle-income families, unlike Bush's that went to the genteel, but I'm just stunned. It reminds me of that crackpot "stimulus package" idea Congress had last year to throw $300 at each American to avert a recession. Yeah, great idea. That worked like gangbusters and took $152 billion out of the already gutted Treasury. Let's do it again!

According to the same article, the U.S. economy shed a further 445,000 jobs in December, which was a great way to cap off a year that saw two million other jobs vanish into the ether of Bush's historically shitastic legacy. And that's excellent news for me, who's been looking for gainful employment for months now. Goddammit, George! I swear to Allah, if I have to get a job stocking Barbies and rifles in my local Wal-Mart because you shipped my potential good job to Bangladesh...well, I'm gonna be one pissed off liberal atheist hillbilly. And no one wants that. *shakes fist at screen*

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Bush Just Wants To Talk

Top story: George Bush is an asshole and uses meaningless buzz phrases and I want him to go away. George Bush has labeled Hamas' "attack" on Israel an "act of terror" and has called on the U.S. to help stem the trade of weapons to "terrorist groups." George Bush actually said, "The United States is leading diplomatic efforts to achieve a meaningful cease-fire that is fully respected," in his weekly radio address. George Bush said that. Three letters: L, O, and L! I thought you didn't negotiate with terrorists, G-Dub? And what's with this "diplomacy" shit in the Middle East? And since when did you give a fuck about "respect?" Are you going soft on us? What's next, you gonna make out with a dude in public?

Oh wait. Anyway...

This day in history: Exactly one year ago today, Barack Hussein Obama II won the Iowa caucus, effectively ending the "march to coronation" Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was expecting. I was happy when Obama won, because I knew he would be damn near impossible to defeat. My mother, however, was a huge Clinton supporter and didn't seem to understand that her preferred candidate got spanked. I had to explain to her how the caucus system works and even then, she was like, "But when does Hillary go?," like the caucus was an amusement park ride. In fact, my mother is one of those nightmare middle-aged women who almost voted for McCain because she was so bitter. In the end, she voted for Obama but not without a considerable amount of bitching and moaning. I have to admit, I got a little misty-eyed when Obama gave his victory speech. I guess you could say he cast some sort of magical negro spell over me with his oratorical cadence and cavalier black guy style. And I can't believe it was only a year ago! It feels like a decade!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

New Year, (Mostly) Same Old Shit

I managed to survive my gin and juice-fueled evening to see the dawning of 2009. I've been awake since 3:47am humming the hypnotic chorus of the eponymous Snoop Dogg song: Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on gin and juice. Yes, I am really, painfully white.

Anyway, I awoke to more than just a headache and a belly full of liquor. Turns out some actual shit has gone down since I passed out last night. First and foremost, today was declared "Sovereignty Day" in Iraq because the U.S. symbolically returned control of the lauded Green Zone over to the Iraqis. The area gets a lot of press because it's the center of the international coalition U.S. presence in Baghdad and supposedly the safest place in Iraq, even though we've heard about tons of suicide bombings going off in it for years. The area is home to our embassy there as well as Saddam's palace, which I saw the inside of when Kathy Griffin toured it on an episode of "My Life on the D-List." And goddamit! I just realized I slept through her New Year's coverage with Anderson Cooper! Shit. Still, this is one of the few "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. If, you know, there are any "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. Accompanying the article I read, there was this poignant image of soldiers hoisting an Iraqi flag up a pole but I thought the Chucky image was funnier.

And in Minnesota, the state supreme court has rejected incumbent Republican Norm Colemen's claims that some of Al Franken's votes were counted twice. Lest you think this shit is over and done with, this ruling just opens the door for lawsuit upon lawsuit. I suspect litigation to be filed by each candidate, party, innocent bystander, and Elian Gonzales. It's not damn likely there will be a winner declared before January 6th, when Congress reconvenes, and it's looking increasingly dim that there will be a winner before January 20th, when the new Congress is sworn in. I say great. As the Devil, I heart Murphy's Law and governmental incompetence. Whoo hoo!

I'm actually looking forward to this new year and hope that B. Hussein Obama (as my Republican friends refer to him) and the Republican-lite new Congress can get to cleanin' up this clusterfuck of a shitfest George The Baptist has left us mired in. Personally, I have a lot of options and my one and only resolution for 09 is to be less of a crybaby bitch. :)