A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Spin Cycle and Fake Dog Balls

Bush and Cheney are on a media blitz to try and convince us the past eight years were awesome and/or that Bush is some unrecognized genius that only time can vindicate. Sort of like Vincent Van Gogh, if, you know, Van Gogh were a retard who sucked at life. The whole gang have been real busy beavers these past few weeks lying and attempting to rewrite history. Dick Cheney actually said, "[The administration] didn't base going after Saddam Hussein on any connection with 9/11." Wow. Now see, I seem to recall the exact opposite that but I do have the memory of a pot smoker so this ain't cool, Dick! Don't fuck with my head like this! It's amazing that the lead up to the invasion was just six short years ago and they actually think they can make up bullshit about something that just happened and we all just lived through. God, make shit up about the War of 1812 or the Norman Conquest! How the hell would we know?

Karl Rove recently pulled the Bullshit Express into the Bill O'Reilly show to make shit up about Bush's apparently sweet legacy, but also to make shit up about the liberal media cabal to elect Obama (because they overstated the Depression we're currently in) and implying that if we get another 9/11, it'll be Obama's fault for being a pussy liberal.

I love how people say that Karl Rove is a genius for orchestrating George Bush's "wins" in 2000 and 2004. He's not a genius; he just stole his playbook from some 16-year-old gossipy bitch. John McCain has an adopted daughter from Cambodia? Not anymore! She's now an illegitimate black kid he had out of wedlock. That'll really rile some feathers among the Klan crowd in South Carolina. John McCain spent five years in a VietCong prison camp where he was horribly tortured? Well then he's clearly too crazy to be president. John Kerry is also a Vietnam War hero? No problem! We'll spread malicious lies that he overstated his war achievements by trotting out and paying some dudes who look like veterans to say he's full of shit. Nevermind the fact that Bush and Cheney were too craven to actually fight in Vietnam themselves. But hey, they had better things to do. Fuck you, Vietnam War! Obama is massively popular around the world? Piece of fuckin' cake! We'll just compare him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, thereby implying that his popularity is media-orchestrated and he's a braindead whore.

Karl Rove is not a genius. He's Perez Hilton without the sense of humor. This man, on the other hand, makes Einstein look like Special Ed:

Neuticals go for $85 for the original, $189 for the natural, and $349 for the ultra-plus. According to the genius himself, pets in all fifty states and 47 countries have reaped the benefits of ball implants to stem the tide of their denuting depression. Reach for the stars, kids! Anything is possible in this land of milk, honey, lies, and fake dog balls.


alana said...


I still get pissed when I think of the way Kerry was attacked for his military record.

But this is the 5th (?) election where the person with the better military record didn't win.

Woozie said...

If dogs are anything like men (come on now) testicles are very important to their psyche. I, for one, am happy to have everything down there in delicious proportion. I feel for my canine/straight porn actor brothers. Seriously, have you ever paid attention to the guy's balls in straight porn? They're always so small!

Beelzebub said...

@ alana: Yeah, me too. You know the Republicans would have ripped Obama's throat out if he went after McCain's war record.

@ woozie: I'm glad to hear you have no need for ball implants. And, no, I've never paid much attention to the size of dude's balls in porn. I'm usually too distracted by the chicks. Don't tell Jesus.

Can I just say... said...

How come I've never heard of "neutical mania"? It sure seems like something everyone should know about.

unokhan said...

people believe what they wanna believe or what they are told to believe by the 'authorities' and even if they don't fully believe it they are willing to suspend their disbelief long enuf to acquiesce into serious fuck-uppedness. heard of stanley milgram?

too distracted by the chicks
wait what

Beelzebub said...

@ Can I just say: I had never heard of it either before Penn and Teller made fun of this guy on their show. But this is the reason international capitalism WILL survive. As long as there is stupid crap to sell to stupider people, America will never die.

@ unokhan: Yes I have heard of Stanley Milgram. And I'm not gay. I just like boobs. My gay guy friends like boobs, too, so it's a confused aspect of our sexuality we can both relate to. Maybe it's Freudian. We have mommy issues and the like.

unokhan said...

ok, but you write with such a rigorous clarity i have wondered (for just three or eleven seconds, i swear) if you were not actually male, particularly a heterosexual male, because gay men and straight women sumX tend to express themselves with a sort of flaccidity hard* to explain. and i reckoned that if you were in fact female you must be a dyke on the order of gertrude stein, whose prose tends toward a relaxed steeliness even in informal pieces.

so thanx for thwarting my natural lazy urge to make assumptions, and i will continue to curb an impulse towards equally lazy generalizations. just don't tell me you like hello kitty.

*insert 'haha' here

Beelzebub said...

OK, I lol'd pretty heartily when I read that. Just a few comments on your comment:

1) If I were a heterosexual male, why would I pretend for a second to be female? That's so gay! And for the record, I almost started this post off with a tirade against the nuclear cramps I had this morning. Wait..is it cause I refer to myself as an 'asshole' sometimes? I picked up that tic from Courtney Love.
2) The only things in life I have any sort of "rigorous clarity" on are politics and religion because they so egregiously offend me. There's a reason I don't really blog about my personal life, but if I did, you'd quickly dump any erroneous presuppositions about me having a penis. Because I that is an area where I am quite 'flaccid.' And I prefer strong language because it's funnier. That's all. I don't beat around the bush (tee hee hee) because I know exactly where I stand on certain social issues.
3) "...you must be a dyke on the order of gertrude stein" haha. I got nothing. Except I like being penetrated.
4) I fuckin' hate Hello Kitty but my bedroom walls are pink. Sorry. Blame my parents.