E Pluribus Dumb

I have a hate/hate relationship with my fellow Americans. They're wrong on every single crucial issue: George Bush, Republicans, gay marriage, Jesus, evolution, climate change, international relations (*cough* Israel *cough*), guns, drugs, and Sanjaya Malakar. Just when I was ready to take up and move to China, they elect Obama and a Democratic Congress and I rethink my utter antipathy toward them. On November 4th and 5th, I really felt like we were the movie monster who redeemed himself at the end of the movie when we decided to quit cracking skulls and use our powers for good. As I was celebrating Obama's victory with a trip to a classy titty bar in Asscrack, West Virginia (not to be confused with Bumfuck, Maryland, where I live) the weekend after, I drunkenly declared, "We're back, bitches!" I was so happy, and not just because it was midget stripper night.

Invariably, my hopes and happiness get dashed quicker than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt (man, I gotta quit with these shitty analogies). Barely a week after Obama's election, there were stories of crosses being burned into the lawns of black Obama supporters in Georgia, nooses being hanged, Hitler-worshipping white supremacists being arrested for saying they were going to go on a cross country black killing spree that would end with the coup de grace- a dead Obama, and my personal favorite, "second graders on a bus in Idaho chanting, 'Assassinate Obama'." And this is just after the election; all year, we had to deal with charges that Obama was Muslim, Arab, a Black Panther, a communist, has terrorist buddies, and, of course, that he's the anti-Christ. Even John McCain himself had to talk down a racist asshole when she said something like, "I don't want Obama to be president because he's an Arab."

Today, my beef is a little less serious but illustrates why I have to hang my head and sigh when admitting my nationality. The second most popular story on MSN, after an article on tonight's full moon, is "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" This story is more popular than the escalating shitfight in Gaza, the 7.2% unemployment rate, the 2.8 million jobs lost in 2008, Bush's request for more bailout money, the disastrous week on Wall Street, and our general slide into hell and chaos. "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" I can't think of anything more critical to our survival. I'm surprised Oprah's admission that she was depressed last year didn't crack the top five.

It reminds me of something Jon Stewart said in '04 about the coverage of the Iraq war. "As CNN was showing the rotting corpses of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the news ticker across the bottom said, 'Beyonce doesn't like the word bootylicious.'" But then again, Stewart and I are pretentious liberals who denigrate the "average Joe the plumber" with our "intellectual pride" (what's that about?) and holier than thou humor. Oh Sarah. Thank Jebus you haven't gone away. The idiots need you.

Bush Just Wants To Talk

Top story: George Bush is an asshole and uses meaningless buzz phrases and I want him to go away. George Bush has labeled Hamas' "attack" on Israel an "act of terror" and has called on the U.S. to help stem the trade of weapons to "terrorist groups." George Bush actually said, "The United States is leading diplomatic efforts to achieve a meaningful cease-fire that is fully respected," in his weekly radio address. George Bush said that. Three letters: L, O, and L! I thought you didn't negotiate with terrorists, G-Dub? And what's with this "diplomacy" shit in the Middle East? And since when did you give a fuck about "respect?" Are you going soft on us? What's next, you gonna make out with a dude in public?

Oh wait. Anyway...

This day in history: Exactly one year ago today, Barack Hussein Obama II won the Iowa caucus, effectively ending the "march to coronation" Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was expecting. I was happy when Obama won, because I knew he would be damn near impossible to defeat. My mother, however, was a huge Clinton supporter and didn't seem to understand that her preferred candidate got spanked. I had to explain to her how the caucus system works and even then, she was like, "But when does Hillary go?," like the caucus was an amusement park ride. In fact, my mother is one of those nightmare middle-aged women who almost voted for McCain because she was so bitter. In the end, she voted for Obama but not without a considerable amount of bitching and moaning. I have to admit, I got a little misty-eyed when Obama gave his victory speech. I guess you could say he cast some sort of magical negro spell over me with his oratorical cadence and cavalier black guy style. And I can't believe it was only a year ago! It feels like a decade!

New Year, (Mostly) Same Old Shit

I managed to survive my gin and juice-fueled evening to see the dawning of 2009. I've been awake since 3:47am humming the hypnotic chorus of the eponymous Snoop Dogg song: Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on gin and juice. Yes, I am really, painfully white.

Anyway, I awoke to more than just a headache and a belly full of liquor. Turns out some actual shit has gone down since I passed out last night. First and foremost, today was declared "Sovereignty Day" in Iraq because the U.S. symbolically returned control of the lauded Green Zone over to the Iraqis. The area gets a lot of press because it's the center of the international coalition U.S. presence in Baghdad and supposedly the safest place in Iraq, even though we've heard about tons of suicide bombings going off in it for years. The area is home to our embassy there as well as Saddam's palace, which I saw the inside of when Kathy Griffin toured it on an episode of "My Life on the D-List." And goddamit! I just realized I slept through her New Year's coverage with Anderson Cooper! Shit. Still, this is one of the few "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. If, you know, there are any "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. Accompanying the article I read, there was this poignant image of soldiers hoisting an Iraqi flag up a pole but I thought the Chucky image was funnier.

And in Minnesota, the state supreme court has rejected incumbent Republican Norm Colemen's claims that some of Al Franken's votes were counted twice. Lest you think this shit is over and done with, this ruling just opens the door for lawsuit upon lawsuit. I suspect litigation to be filed by each candidate, party, innocent bystander, and Elian Gonzales. It's not damn likely there will be a winner declared before January 6th, when Congress reconvenes, and it's looking increasingly dim that there will be a winner before January 20th, when the new Congress is sworn in. I say great. As the Devil, I heart Murphy's Law and governmental incompetence. Whoo hoo!

I'm actually looking forward to this new year and hope that B. Hussein Obama (as my Republican friends refer to him) and the Republican-lite new Congress can get to cleanin' up this clusterfuck of a shitfest George The Baptist has left us mired in. Personally, I have a lot of options and my one and only resolution for 09 is to be less of a crybaby bitch. :)

The Year In Bill Maher

I can't think of a better way to sum up the year in politics than this clip of Bill Maher from November 7th talking about Barack The Magic Negro Obama's win and the Republican reaction.

And just for shits and giggles, here's Bill Maher's list of Dickheads of the Year from Rolling Stone's December 07 issue. My favorites (and two things that are timeless in their suckdom) are:

College Republicans: The place where cutthroat, amoral putzes like Karl Rove cut their teeth. They're all staunchly for the Iraq War, although none have volunteered to go, even though they're the same age as the grunts doing the fighting they say is so important. Doughy losers who, at age twenty, care more about tax cuts than girls. And lately they've been holding these "Catch an Illegal Immigrant" parties around the country where they basically play hide-and-seek with one lucky player posing as the wetback. Usually you have to be older and married before you start hating life so much you try to blame the Mexicans for all your problems, don't you?

George W. Bush: Come on, no list of assholes and fuck-ups could be complete without the Dipshit in Chief. Who will tell this president what everyone but him already knows? The theory of evolution. And the times tables. And where the sun goes at night. And that Iraq is going to be three different countries. And that everyone hates us and we've run our military into the ground and the Taliban is back and we still haven't caught bin Laden and the economy is tanking and we wasted eight years blowing the oil companies while the Earth is melting. We had a pretty nice house when this Cat in the Hat of presidents came in and made the mess of all time. And who's going to clean it all up — Rudy Giuliani?

Luckily, no, it wasn't the guy who was fucking there on 9/11. That dumbass got his ass handed to him by a bunch of sundried Florida retirees after a spectacularly inept campaign. No, it's going to be a guy no one outside of Illinois, the Trinity United Church of Christ, and the Internet had even heard of last year at this time. And a black guy no less! Twenty more days!

However, I need to bitch a little about our president-elect. I keep receiving e-mails from his campaign (can we even call it that anymore?) still wanting money for shit, this time to throw the inaugural ball to end inaugural balls. Seriously, B, are you fuckin' kidding me? You raised $700 million in the general! Where the fuck did that go? And I did spot you $15 back in October, dude. That's the best I can do until I can get a job rebuilding infrastructure and a greener America and shizz.

Anyway, Happy New Year. Here's to 09 being slightly less shitty.

Minnesota Is The New Florida

Holy shit. Al Franken just might pulls this thing off. According to my favorite socialist London paper, The Guardian, the former SNL writer is up by 48 whole votes over Republican incumbent Norm Coleman. The recount is still far from over, but in a country where elections are perpetual, that's not surprising. Frankly, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Coleman's peeps are still trying to have the state's supreme court declare the race over in his favor by throwing out some of Franken's votes, claiming they were counted twice (wtf?). I haven't been following the race closely enough, I suppose, but that just sounds like the last gasp of desperation from a lonely, mean Republican. Either that, or this whole shitfight just highlights how insanely fucked up our system still is. Almost exactly eight years after the U.S. Supreme Court coronated George Walker Bush by halting the recount in Florida, it still takes us a month and a half to recount votes that were originally counted over a 12-hour period on Election Day. What. Ever. At least the hanging chads aren't haunting us this time around. Fuck them!

It just amazes me that I can go to Sheetz, a chain of convenience stores here on the East Coast, and get a sandwich by typing my order into computer and get it no problem in five minutes, compete with my beloved mayo and jalapeno peppers. But when it comes to elections, we are not capable of just noting who people voted for and finishing this shit by midnight on November 4th. Recounts! Absentee ballots! Early ballots! Supreme courts! Oh my!

No wonder China's communist. They ain't stupid. :)

*Yawn*

Time magazine has named our next president as Person of the Year in its annual issue. And yeah, that's not the right cover. This cover is from 2006 and note the title of the article: "Why Barack Obama Could Be The Next President." Come on! Two years ago, we were all laughing at that shit! A brotha? Are you kidding? The next president all the way back then was maybe going to be Hillary or quite possibly Rudy Guiliani (because he was fucking there on 9/11). Barack Obama? Shit, with that name he should be glad he made it to the Senate. And that was before we even knew his middle name. I mean, the fact that we were even considering Hillary as a viable candidate was too much for most of America. A white woman as president? Whoa whoa whoa there, little lady! Why can't you bitches just be glad one of yous is Speaker of the House? Leave the commander in chiefin' to the men. ROAR!

Anyway, that was before Obama kicked the shit out of Hillary and John Edwards in the Iowa caucases, before the country got used to his booming smokers' voice speechifyin' about hope and shit in packed stadiums coast to coast, before the youtube videos and "grassroots" Internet campaigning. Before the $700 million raised and the Obamamania...OK, you get it.

As I've written before, I'm glad he won. I'm really really really glad he won. But this is such a boring, predictable, political choice by Time. Not as political as selecting Rudy Guiliani over Osama bin Laden in 2001 (bin Laden was the original choice but the Time peeps pussied out at the last minute) but it's just expected. Just to be an asshole, I would have picked Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh and written articles about how their brand of hate, "anti-intellectual pride" (David Cross quote, I loves it!), and lowest common denominator bullshit brilliantly backfired this year. I then would have parlayed that into how America is changing and shit, you know, the stuff we progressives love to hear.

But seriously, I hope this will be the last of the Obama apotheosis pieces and we can get down to the business of being more skeptical and critical of his decisions. The election's over, America has climaxed, and now we're waiting to see how our baby develops. Obama has a lot on his plate, which means he actually has to do shit. And a lot of it. Let's leave Obama the Celebrity in '08, please?

Top Ten Best Things About 2008 (4-1)

4) The world doesn't hate us anymore! (at least they didn't November 4th and 5th)

3) The New and Improved (and Blue) Electoral Map.

2) The Saturday Night Live-centered election. Normally, elections are parodies of themselves. Not this year. I propose that for 2012, we should just abolish the debates and town hall meetings and condense the entire campaign to a series of SNL skits. As long as they bring back Tina Fey to do Sarah Palin.

1) Obama Wins

Holla.

Top Ten Best Things About 2008 (10-5)

OK, so I've noticed the tone of my previous posts is dark, bitter, bitchy, and depressing. I'm going to attempt to stay on the light side with this one and countdown the 10 best things of the year in my not-so-humble opinion. 10-5:

10) Bush's last year!

9) Obama surprises everyone by winning the Iowa caucuses, proves the Internet isn't just for porn addicts and fat virgin bloggers.

8) "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. goes Top Ten (I adore her because she makes real, weird music), upsetting the natural order of popular music being shit.

7) Barriers Are Broken- from Clinton and Obama to (yes, even) Sarah Palin, 2008 was a serious year for civil rights.

6) "The Dark Knight" proves all the good movies weren't just made in the 30s.

5) Sarah Palin keeps talking, proving with every word how incompetent she is.

Sarah Palin Won't Go Away

Fresh off her election night ass-handing three weeks ago and her turkey holocaust last week, the Governor of Alaska is exploring her options. She recently spoke (all by herself!) at the Republican Governors Assocation and, you know, gave a fuckload of "exclusive" interviews to every cable station in this great land of ours. But good news for the vp wannabe! Incumbent Republican senator Saxby Chambliss wants her services in Georgia to help him win reelection!

Being insane, Chambliss said he wants her help because she's popular in Georgia. OK, even though she's not anywhere else in the country. In one of the infinite number of irrelevant polls taken on Election Day, one that stuck out in my mind is that a huge number of people in the suburbs think Palin is unqualified for high office. You cannot be a viable politician and be that loathed by the people in the 'burbs (where, you know, there's lot of voters). But, this being the GOP, they don't give a shit about the suburbs and their stinkin' commie politics (and their lots and lots of people). They want the white, dumbass, pointlessly religious, Joe the Plumber demographic to resurrect itself in 2012 behind- yes, you guess it!- Sarah "Africa is a Continent?" Palin! You think destroying John McCain's career and reputation in two short months would have been, you know, an obstacle to ascending in the ranks of the GOP. Nah, not for the Republicans. No, no, no, she gets the "star" treatment. She's the future and by "future," I mean George W. Bush circa 2000.

God, I was really hoping this one would fade into obscurity, like the crying Britney fan. But alas, she appears to have the staying power of "The Evolution of Dance."

Ballot Initiative Madness

Proposition 8 has passed in California. I'm legitimately shocked that it passed because I assumed that most people in that state are members of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America. I also didn't anticipate all the religious resistence they'd get to it (not realizing that there's a sizable Mormon population in CA). I suppose I'm guilty of viewing that state through a Berkeley/hippie lens but it's just surprising to me that California -of all states- voted to ban gay marriage. It wasn't surprising at all to me that similar measures passed in Florida and Arizona, because, well, those states suck ass.

But Californians didn't just vote to ban gay marriage; they voted to retroactively take away people's rights. It's totally fucked up and unfair. I'll never understand why religious people are so gay for gay people and why they can't just allow grown-ass adults live their own lives as they see fit. It's almost like Christians aren't happy unless they're demonizing some subgroup of society (which I hear Jesus was all about). But fuck it. All I can say to gay people is keep your chin up. Amendments can be amended; it's happened before when religious freaks got too much influence *cough* PROHIBITION *cough*. Your time will come.

Alan Keyes Is Bitter, Lonely Man

This man, Alan Keyes, carpetbagger, deranged narcissist, former 1996, 2000, and 2008 Republican candidate for president, former Obama rival in the 2004 Illinois Senate race, and author, has filed a lawsuit against Barack Obama and Joe Biden demanding to see evidence that Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. He claims that Obama's short-form birth certificate posted on the president-elect's website isn't good enough.

I'm no legal scholar, OK? But I do know that even if Obama wasn't born in Hawaii (like his goddamn birth certificate states) then he'd still be a legal U.S. citizen.

Peep what I copy and pasted from Wikipedia: "For persons born on or after November 14, 1986, a person is a U.S. citizen if all of the following are true: -One of the person's parents was a U.S. citizen when the person in question was born; -The citizen parent lived at least 5 years in the United States before his or her child's birth; -A minimum of 2 of these 5 years in the United States were after the citizen parent's 14th birthday."

Obama's mother was born in Kansas, right? So he'd get citizenship by virtue of bursting through her Kansan loins. So he meets the criteria, even if Obama's mother flew to Kenya to have him. Yeah, I know it says "For persons born on or after November 14, 1986," but it doesn't matter because Obama was born in fucking Hawaii. I think that's what irks the Republicans so much- that he was born on some sexy Polynesian island and not in the shithole, dime a dozen rural towns most people are (at least most Republicans...and myself, but I'm an anomaly). That and it's just another way he's too "different" to be president.

The Nation's Got The Blues

Drink that shit up. There's a whole lot of fucking blue where there wasn't just four short years ago. How far we've come indeed.

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people commenting on the future of the Republican Party. I love how the media is acting like they'll go in some new, sane, non-Christiany direction. Puh-lease. The religious right is that party's eyewall; the notion that the GOP would drop kick them in favor of "attracting new voters" is ludicrous. The nutbag Christians are the reason the Republicans can always rely on the South to deliver red. And the fact that the brightest "star" in that party right now is Sarah Palin should speak volumes about the "new" direction they plan on going in. Karl Rovism may have failed this year, but like a malicious phoenix rising from the ashes, it'll be back. I'm sure it'll be just more of the insane same from the GOP.

Another Blow For Secular Progressives

Move over, Nevada! We Marylanders voted big to allow slot machines in the state. The ballot initiative allows for up to 15,000 slots in five counties, including the one I live in. I can tell you we need the jobs up here in Bumfuck, irrespective of the impending moral calamity the Christians are predicting.

I really love the Christian argument for why slots are so bad. Because "gambling" is bad. Oh really? Even though the proceeds will go towards funding public education? Oh, yeah. I forgot. They homeschool or put their kids in fortresses away from the progeny of the evil and dreaded secular progressives. And you know these are the same people who play the lotto and hit the bingo halls with the gals every week while not noting the delicious moral hypocrisy of it all.

This reminds me of a conversation Marge Simpson and Maude Flanders had on an old episode of "The Simpsons." It was the one where the hurricane destroys the Flanders' home:

Marge: Well at least your homeowner's insurance will cover the damages.

Maude: Oh, we don't have homeowner's insurance. Neddy considers it a form of gambling.

I never got the joke as a kid but it just keeps getting funnier as I age.

Yes We Fucking Did!

Yeah! Now all you bigots can address this man as President-elect Barack Hussein Obama!

I feel like we finally got one right, after eight straight years of fuck-ups. I'm the happiest I've been at any point in my adult life. I guess you could say, for the first time in my adult life, I'm proud of my country. Hat tip to Michelle Obama and everyone who voted Democrat.

Vote Early, Vote Often

Something that has me intrigued is the early voting phenomenon. According to an AP story, more Democrats are casting early ballots than Republicans, even in beet red states like Georgia. This is a reversal of the trend, because usually more GOPers get out the vote early.

31 states allow early voting and, of course, Maryland is not one of them. At least not yet. We have an early voting initiative on our ballot next week that I plan on supporting. I would venture to say most Marylanders want it.

The pros: it stretches out the election period over a few weeks as opposed to a single 12-hour day, thus bringing more people into the system who would otherwise sit it out. Secondly, it makes it goddamn hard for lazy people to make excuses not to vote. And thirdly, it's way more convenient. Hell, I saw the other day on CNN that some district in Nevada has polls set up in a mall! A fucking mall!

Of course, early voting has its nay-sayers, chiefly my own dad. He whines that it'll make it easier to commit fraud. And I'm like, "Dad, people commit fraud anyway. At least early voting makes it harder (or at least more inconvenient) for Republicans to use scare tactics."

Obama Will Destroy Israel, Plumber Predicts

According to America's new sage Joe the Plumber, a vote for Barack Obama equals a vote for the destruction of Israel. John McCain's hero said as much during an impromptu interview with a McCain/Palin supporter at a rally at some redneck locale this week.

At first, I didn't understand why anyone would say such a thing. But after I pondered it for about 10 seconds, it came to me in a flash of divine clarity: "Oh yeah. I forgot. Obama's a Muslim." Jesus Christ. But the really embarassing thing for Mr. Plumber is that Shepherd Smith totally called him out on this shit during an interview on Fox News. Dude, when you have a Fox News commentator calling you a bullshit liar, you should reconsider your tactics.