A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

E Pluribus Dumb


I have a hate/hate relationship with my fellow Americans. They're wrong on every single crucial issue: George Bush, Republicans, gay marriage, Jesus, evolution, climate change, international relations (*cough* Israel *cough*), guns, drugs, and Sanjaya Malakar. Just when I was ready to take up and move to China, they elect Obama and a Democratic Congress and I rethink my utter antipathy toward them. On November 4th and 5th, I really felt like we were the movie monster who redeemed himself at the end of the movie when we decided to quit cracking skulls and use our powers for good. As I was celebrating Obama's victory with a trip to a classy titty bar in Asscrack, West Virginia (not to be confused with Bumfuck, Maryland, where I live) the weekend after, I drunkenly declared, "We're back, bitches!" I was so happy, and not just because it was midget stripper night.

Invariably, my hopes and happiness get dashed quicker than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt (man, I gotta quit with these shitty analogies). Barely a week after Obama's election, there were stories of crosses being burned into the lawns of black Obama supporters in Georgia, nooses being hanged, Hitler-worshipping white supremacists being arrested for saying they were going to go on a cross country black killing spree that would end with the coup de grace- a dead Obama, and my personal favorite, "second graders on a bus in Idaho chanting, 'Assassinate Obama'." And this is just after the election; all year, we had to deal with charges that Obama was Muslim, Arab, a Black Panther, a communist, has terrorist buddies, and, of course, that he's the anti-Christ. Even John McCain himself had to talk down a racist asshole when she said something like, "I don't want Obama to be president because he's an Arab."

Today, my beef is a little less serious but illustrates why I have to hang my head and sigh when admitting my nationality. The second most popular story on MSN, after an article on tonight's full moon, is "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" This story is more popular than the escalating shitfight in Gaza, the 7.2% unemployment rate, the 2.8 million jobs lost in 2008, Bush's request for more bailout money, the disastrous week on Wall Street, and our general slide into hell and chaos. "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" I can't think of anything more critical to our survival. I'm surprised Oprah's admission that she was depressed last year didn't crack the top five.

It reminds me of something Jon Stewart said in '04 about the coverage of the Iraq war. "As CNN was showing the rotting corpses of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the news ticker across the bottom said, 'Beyonce doesn't like the word bootylicious.'" But then again, Stewart and I are pretentious liberals who denigrate the "average Joe the plumber" with our "intellectual pride" (what's that about?) and holier than thou humor. Oh Sarah. Thank Jebus you haven't gone away. The idiots need you.

6 comments:

JollyRoger said...

It's just the MSM, doing what they always do: reporting anything but the failures of their monkey.

I know everyone just loved the Ashlee Smith and Natalee Holloway stories that were on us nonstop while Chimpy dismantled the country. And if those stories dried up, there was always plenty of Anna Nicole, Britney, and Lindsay to fill in any cracks.

Woozie said...

Ashlee Smith?

Beelzebub said...

@ Jolly: Can you believe it's been two years since the Anna Nicole death/baby daddy saga? Talk about a news story! That shit was endless!

@ woozie: Ashley Smith was a woman taken hostage by Brian Nichols, the guy who shot up that Atlanta courthouse in '05. She claimed she got him to release her by talking about god and shizz but I don't recall it being a huge story (or maybe I just can't remember back that far). It later turned out that Ms. Smith was/is a meth addict. Oops.

R2K said...

: )

Woozie said...

I just found out you're a Libra as well. I love you about 1000x more now.

Beelzebub said...

Well thank you, woozie. I heart you too, even though astrology is bullshit. :)