A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Sweet Negro Jesus!


Just so you don't think I'm racist, "Negro Jesus" is the actual title of this picture. Anyway, I was bored and surfin' the Internet pages of the right-wing British paper The Telegraph and came across the following headline: "Sacha Baron Cohen's black Jesus to shock America." The description of the article is, "Sacha Baron Cohen is preparing to shock America with his latest film, which is said to contain a black model called Jesus wearing a loincloth and a crown of thorns." LOL.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, terrifies white hicks quite like the notion that Jesus was black / Arab / not totally white. I remember way the hell back in 2004 when The Passion of the Christ came out, and among the charges of anti-Semitism and other sundry criticism Mel Gibson received for that sadistic piece of dead languaged shit based on Jewish fairytales from the Bronze Age, was that he cast a white guy named Jim Caviezel as Jesus. He went to all the trouble of making the actors learn Aramaic and Latin, filmed the movie entirely in those languages and initially didn't want English subtitles because Jesus couldn't read (actually, he just wanted the audience to focus on the horrible torture of Jesus by the Joooos! rather than read *scoffs* the actual dialogue among the characters), but he couldn't be bothered to cast an Arab-looking guy to play Jesus. Of course, that didn't bother America. The Passion is the most successful R-Rated movie in history.

I saw it at a theater nearby when it first came out, mainly because I'm a mashochist and enjoy having my eyes raped by the steaming piles of gooey baby shit that passes for "art" in our time. The theater was packed with every shade of obese, cross-clutching Jesus freak this side of the Mississippi and when it ended, people actually stood up and cheered. Everyone did, except me. There was this black guy in front of me who was crying, and not because Jesus was played by a white dude. He was seriously that moved by this two-hour bondage film about a fictional character. I, on the other hand, was shocked. Don't get me wrong- I heart movie violence. But I, like a dumbass, thought the movie was going to star Jesus and not his bleeding nail-on-a-whip wounds.

And I can't remember why I bothered with this post. Oh yeah, Borat's new movie. Atheism good. Religion bullshit, and all that. Man, I need a drink.

8 comments:

Woozie said...

Rock me, rock me, rock me Sexy Jesus!

Aside from that one line Hamlet 2 was shit.

Beelzebub said...

Amazing. If I weren't somehow inebriated right now, I would have hated that shit.

Woozie said...

Okay so my link doesn't work, it was something about Jesus on a guitar.

Beelzebub said...

haha, I actually googled the words to your busted link and saw the video. Sorry I wasn't more explicit. :)

And I really meant it was amazing...when I was inebriated. See, I ain't too much of a sober musical fan.

alana said...

eyes raped...lol...totally love that.

People went craxy for that movie. I saw a bootleg version that had a person stand up and go to the bathroom (or some where)in the middle of the movie. Take THAT Gibson!

I like to bring up the fact that Jesus would have been brown. It brings me great joy to watch people freak.

Haworth said...

Jesus was Jewish look surely? Not that i would no i have never met a jewish person that i know off!! but on the TV the look more middle easty than the guy in the passion.

Didnt Madonna do a music video were she depicted Jesus as a Black man?

Beelzebub said...

@ alana: Yeah, I love bringing it up, too. Of course, these people believe god is a white dude so a white Jesus wouldn't be that ridiculous. What. ever. :)

@ Yeah, "Like a Prayer" and we lost our shit over it. And Jesus would definitely have been more middle easterny than Jim Caviezel.

Ambles said...

"Nothing, absolutely nothing, terrifies white hicks quite like the notion that Jesus was black / Arab / not totally white." Except, maybe, the notion of Sacha Baron Cohen.