I'm Not Dead

Clearly, ole Common Nonsense has been neglected. I can't even say it's because I've gotten a life or I'm completely thrilled with our new president. I've just lost interest and I hate myself for it.

Anyway, I'd like to thank Can I Just Say for tagging me for the following Honest Scrap Blogging Award. It made me smile. I like your blog, too!

Moving on to the politics front, nothing has brought me more lolz over the past few weeks quite like listening to the GOP bitch and moan about all the funding Obama's stimulus package is going to entail. Republicans never stop astounding me with their lack of irony. I think they need to realize that their big government got us into the myriad of messes we're currently in and it's going to take more big government to get us out. But I guess now that said big government is in the form of "tax and spend liberals" (cause heaven forbid we actually pay for the shit we do), all of a sudden they're back to being the party of fiscal responsibility. LOL

Moving on to the "me" front, I might have a job in Obama's new liberal big government! I took a test last week to be a supervisor in something to do with the 2010 census and I passed! Yeah for me! I couldn't help but lol a little, because I, at age 23, may be in a position to supervise people in their 40s and 50s. All that power is gonna go straight to my balls, I swear.

Of course, since it's the government, I probably won't hear anything from them until June but it's still something to smile about today. Don't let me down, B!

Just Some lOLz

-A hilarious post script to the octuplet story- the mother already has six kids. And all fourteen (that's 14) of her children were conceived using sperm from the same donor. And she's single and still lives with her parents. LOL

-Rush Limbaugh is being touted as the "new" voice of the "new" Republican Party. I'm sorry, is this 1993? Speaking of the Republican Party, they elected Michael Steele as the new head of the RNC. Cause what better way to counter the popularity of Barack Obama than to elect a senatorial loser like Michael Steele? But hey, at least he's black! And he was lieutenant governor of Maryland! Way to go Republicans! Way to not make empty gestures of conciliation to ethnic minorities, who are abandoning your party in droves!

-The "recession" is going to get worse and when recovery does come, it will be "slow and weak." Thanks, MSN!

-I have a migraine and I think my head is going to split open! Yay! Have a great fuckin' weekend, y'all! I certainly will!!!!!!!!111

Schadenfreude Is Where It's At

I hate to break it to y'all, but I'm still ridin' a slight Obamahigh. Ye olde rage well is runnin' a touch dry and whatnot. I am a bit miffed that he's yet to get a stimulus package through Congress (I seem to recall he told us he wanted to sign said lauded stimulus package into action on Day One) but I understand he's up against a mighty bureaucracy and there's still tons of pork shit to be hammered out, so I'm still willing to cut him some slack. At least until Black History Month. Then it's gonna be on like white on rice. I'm also officially going to hold Obama accountable if I don't get this government job I got lined up. So be prepared for a wall of bitchy shit to come down if I'm still unemployed this time next month.

But leave it to the bitter, insane right wing whiney assholes to jump all over Obama like a Kleenex at a snot party mere hours after he stumbled through the oath. Rush Limbaugh said, on inauguration day, "I hope he fails."

I hope you're happy with that quote. I had to travel to Rush Limbaugh's website to retrieve it and now I feel filthier than a Vegas whore. Clearly, this is the most outrageously unpatriotic thing any whiney little asshole could say, even one as whiney as Limbaugh. When you say you want the president to fail, you're saying you want this country to fail. Wanting America to fail = John Walker Lindh territory. God, it felt way too good to compare Rush Limbaugh to a member of the Taliban. But it's true. Look, if any person said those exact four words about George Bush this month six years ago- in the lead up to the Iraq invasion- Rush would have had no problem throwin' around the "you're a terrorist and want bin Laden's America-hatin' babies" routine. So consider it a dose of your own McCarthyite Oxycotin-laden medicine, Rush. You whiney little bitch.

But honestly, that statement didn't and doesn't really bother me. That's because for the past week, I've felt like Cartman at the end of that South Park episode where he makes that kid Scott Tenorman eat his parents (Cartman grinds his parents into a chili; it's actually really funny). When the kid realizes that he's just eaten his parents, Cartman says, "Oh, god, I love your tears, Scott. Please, let me taste your tears."

That's how I feel and it's great. Picture Scott Tenorman as Rush Limbaugh and me as Cartman and you've approximated my almost orgasmic ebullience over the past week at the Fox New brigade's hate-flavored tears. It's a blast to finally be able to throw their own shit right back in their faces. Don't support Bush Obama? Then you might as well be pissin' all over the hole in the ground at Ground Zero, hippie. Then you want the terrorists to win, commie. You're either with us or against us, Frenchie.

This is America. Love it or leave it, bitches.

18 Krazy Kids Iz Kool

First of all, LOL at that picture. Secondly, I got major beef with this family. They're the Duggars and they have a show on TLC called "17 Kids and Counting," or "And Baby Makes 18," or "And Jesus Sayeth Unto Us: Fucketh Until You Dropeth." I forget. Anyway, you get the idea: 18 kids + evangelical Christianity = reality tv gold.

And I hope you don't think I'm implying they're racists by the title of this post. I would never make such a sweeping indictment of a group of white religious extremists. Because we all know that religious nutbags are never any kind of "ists" or "ophobes" or "judgemental assholes." I just thought it looked nice.

On December 18, 2008, the mom gave birth to the eighteenth kid in this family. It was a girl they named Jordyn-Grace, because all the kids have names starting with the letter J. I was definitely disappointed she didn't squeeze out another boy, because then they could have named him Jesus. Or Jesus Bob. The birth of little Jordyn-Grace was chronicled on a TLC special and I watched it. I don't know why; I guess it's that masochism coming back into play. I think I like the parents because they remind me of a real life Ned and Maude Flanders from The Simpsons. You know, painfully nice, soft spoken, and batshit crazy into religion.

But it gets better. Cause tonight, we get "A Very Duggar Wedding" that follows the oldest Duggar child as he prepares to get married at the rip old age of 20. From the previews, we learn that he and his blushing bride-to-be followed a strict Christian form of asceticism and didn't even kiss before their nuptials. Didn't even kiss. Didn't even kiss. Oh shizz! That was the hook for me!

I do have to give it up to the Republicans via the evangelical Christians in da South, though. Deal with a diversifying America? Fuck you! If we can just get all the crazy Christian white folks to have 20 kids a piece, we won't have to compromise the Joe the plumber crowd. We'll balance out all them damn latinos and force America back to the 1800s, complete with no tv, no Democrat Party, and lots of creepy pioneer dresses for the girls. Praise be to god.

Godspeed, You Black Emperor

Dear President Obama,

First of all, great speech. You made me tear up again. And thank you for giving us non-believers a shout out. That was unexpected, given all the god shit goin' down on the dais. I did chuckle a bit when you stumbled over the oath of office (that prick John Roberts; he has one job to do and fucks it up!) but it made you human. And I was very glad to hear you, Senator Feinstein, and even Rick Warren kick dirt in George Bush's eye right in front of his face. That made me smile, too, even though I was rollin' my eyes during Warren's Jesus shit. And how great is it to officially say, "Former president George W. Bush." Former. As in the past.

I didn't get the poet but I hate poetry that doesn't rhyme. If she had written that poem in Seussical fashion, I would have loved it. I did like the black preacher, though, cause his shit rhymed. Talk about loling! Brown is indeed stickin' around!

I was a bit disappointed that you didn't sprout horns and start eatin' people's faces after taking the oath, but I guess you can't be all things to all people. You did look very presidential, downright majestic and regal at times, and you'll look great in your White House portrait. And the girls looked freakin' adorable, as usual. I hate kids but I love your girls.

In short, you are a rockstar and the world is at your feet. Now for god's sake, don't fuck it up or get shot. Please.

Yours in christ, always,
Beelzebub

Spin Cycle and Fake Dog Balls

Bush and Cheney are on a media blitz to try and convince us the past eight years were awesome and/or that Bush is some unrecognized genius that only time can vindicate. Sort of like Vincent Van Gogh, if, you know, Van Gogh were a retard who sucked at life. The whole gang have been real busy beavers these past few weeks lying and attempting to rewrite history. Dick Cheney actually said, "[The administration] didn't base going after Saddam Hussein on any connection with 9/11." Wow. Now see, I seem to recall the exact opposite that but I do have the memory of a pot smoker so this ain't cool, Dick! Don't fuck with my head like this! It's amazing that the lead up to the invasion was just six short years ago and they actually think they can make up bullshit about something that just happened and we all just lived through. God, make shit up about the War of 1812 or the Norman Conquest! How the hell would we know?

Karl Rove recently pulled the Bullshit Express into the Bill O'Reilly show to make shit up about Bush's apparently sweet legacy, but also to make shit up about the liberal media cabal to elect Obama (because they overstated the Depression we're currently in) and implying that if we get another 9/11, it'll be Obama's fault for being a pussy liberal.

I love how people say that Karl Rove is a genius for orchestrating George Bush's "wins" in 2000 and 2004. He's not a genius; he just stole his playbook from some 16-year-old gossipy bitch. John McCain has an adopted daughter from Cambodia? Not anymore! She's now an illegitimate black kid he had out of wedlock. That'll really rile some feathers among the Klan crowd in South Carolina. John McCain spent five years in a VietCong prison camp where he was horribly tortured? Well then he's clearly too crazy to be president. John Kerry is also a Vietnam War hero? No problem! We'll spread malicious lies that he overstated his war achievements by trotting out and paying some dudes who look like veterans to say he's full of shit. Nevermind the fact that Bush and Cheney were too craven to actually fight in Vietnam themselves. But hey, they had better things to do. Fuck you, Vietnam War! Obama is massively popular around the world? Piece of fuckin' cake! We'll just compare him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, thereby implying that his popularity is media-orchestrated and he's a braindead whore.

Karl Rove is not a genius. He's Perez Hilton without the sense of humor. This man, on the other hand, makes Einstein look like Special Ed:

Neuticals go for $85 for the original, $189 for the natural, and $349 for the ultra-plus. According to the genius himself, pets in all fifty states and 47 countries have reaped the benefits of ball implants to stem the tide of their denuting depression. Reach for the stars, kids! Anything is possible in this land of milk, honey, lies, and fake dog balls.

Cletus Says: Bush Isn't Totally Incompetent

This morning started off like many before it. I awoke after five hours of restless sleep pissed off, groggy, and in dire need of a bigass pot of coffee. But there was one slight difference: I happen to awaken in the Fox News Twilight Zone Where America Is Awesome All The Time. The front page of my hometown newspaper has a photo of an African woman and the following article summary: "Aid worker Sweetness Mzolisa poses at the Nocingile day care center in Khayelitsha, South Africa. From a windowless shed, Mzolisa leads a chorus of praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush." At first I thought I was hallucinating; after all, I didn't fall asleep until damn near 5 am today and once I did, I had a succession of horrifying nightmares involving the Twin Towers, dead fish, The Joker, and blogging (fuck!). But no, my hometown paper actually has the words, "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush," written in one non-ironic sentence.

I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).

Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.

Sarah Palin, Grandma at 44

The Governor of Alaska's 18-year-old unmarried daughter Bristol popped out her first (of many, I'm sure) kid today. Bristol "Abstinence-Only Sex Programs Just Make Me Wanna Fuck More!" Palin and her hot baby daddy Levi Johnston named their son Tripp. Ah, it's lovely to see this young couple continuing the Palin tradition of shit awful first names. Oh by the way, they're still not married. So Jesus is a very unhappy god-man right now.

And just because I really don't care for Sarah Palin, I'd just like to mock her children's names a little longer. Bristol is one of five children; her siblings are Piper, Track, Willow, and Trig. It's like Sarah and Todd just threw darts at random nouns to get these names. "'Track?' That's a high school sport! Meh, fuck it." "'Trig?' Oh come on now! We're Alaskan hicks, Todd! Gosh, my college degree is in journalism; I can barely read talking points off a teleprompter! I can't do math; I don't even know Africa is a continent!"

Ah, white trash. There's nothing more American.

A Rant In Historical Perspective

On this day ten years ago, the House of Representatives voted to impeach Bill Clinton based on his perjury, obstruction of justice, and abuse of power during the Lewinsky scandal. Lead by moral crusader Henry Hyde, who himself engaged in a five-year long affair with a married woman with children, the bills of impeachment barely passed and solely along party lines.

I remember this shit. I remember supporting Clinton's impeachment only because I wanted to tell my kids someday, "Yeah, I lived through a presidential impeachment." Of course, I was 13 years old and didn't understand that "impeachment" and "removal from office" are two totally different legal concepts. Clinton, of course, was never removed from office; that vote in the Senate barely failed and solely along party lines.

I don't think I need to get into how utterly ridiculous the whole Lewinsky thing is vis-a-vis everything that's happened under Bush. But it just highlights this theory of mine that we allow Republicans to get away with things we'd never allow Democrats to even think about. I vaguely remember how outraged Republicans were at the Monica thing and at Clinton's "complete disrespect of the law." I concretely remember how Bush's "complete disrespect of the law" post-9/11 didn't bother the GOP in the slightest. Wiping his ass with the Constitution? Silence. Making shit up about WMDs in Iraq? Silence. Fucking torturing guys? Silence.

Actually, they haven't been silent. They've been vociferously in favor of all that, or at the very least complicit in its perpetuation. What a difference ten years can make! Ten years ago, if you sat in front of the U.S. Congress and made shit up about an embarrassing private fuck-up, you were excoriated and held up as an example of the moral decay we godless liberals started in the 60s. Today, if you sit in front of the U.S. Congress the United fucking Nations and make shit up to get us into an illegal, unnecessary, unwinable war, you're hailed as a hero who's "kept us safe."

"Everything changed on 9/11," they whine. No it didn't. Or at least it didn't have to. How many of you think that if Bush were a Democrat who lied to everyone's faces about Iraq's capabilities to manufacture weapons and its "airtight" ties to 9/11 and Osama bin Laden, then invaded the country on those pretenses, then have it be revealed everything he ever said about the reasons for war was bullshit, then have said war devolve into a chaotic shitfight with Iraqi insurgents and a nascent al-Qaeda base, then change the reasons for war to fluffy sounding crap like "liberation" and "spreading democracy," that he would have survived politically for more than a second after declaring "mission accomplished" in his dumb, fake jumpsuit? If Bush the Democrat tried this shit, we would have impeached him, removed him from office, and deleted him from the White House homepage before "American Idol" that night.

OK, this is getting long but one last point. I think it was just last week, Dick Cheney did an interview where he basically admitted that he knew the pre-war intelligence was made-up nonsense and that an invasion of Iraq had been planned before 9/11. He said that even knowing then what we all know now, he still would have pushed to invade Iraq. He also casually admitted to authorizing torture at Gitmo. And the response from the Republican peanut gallery? "Bush kept us safe!" Yeah, safe from our rights, prosperity, science, our allies, and our once pretty damn good global standing.

Yeah, Clinton is a scumbag in a lot of ways but come the fuck on! How goddamn quaint does his impeachment seem now! It's almost cute how in 1998, the Republicans made it sound like the biggest threat to national security was Bill Clinton's penis. It was also in 1998 that al-Qaeda bombed those two American embassies in Africa and bin Laden issued his second fatwa against the U.S. It makes one wonder what better things the FBI could have been investigating instead of Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp, and seimen samples from a blue dress. Thanks, Republicans! I'll always remember how your party "kept us safe" in the 21st Century.

God Is In Your Taxes

This is what boredom and insomnia will do to you: I just finished a marathon YouTube session (I'm officially over 8,000 videos watched!) that lasted about an hour and a half. OK, maybe an hour and a half isn't such a long time but when your normal posture ranks somewhere between Kurt Cobain and Quasimodo, sitting in a computer chair for an hour and a half can fuck up an already-fucked up back. Anyway, I digress. On to the topic at hand.

This is one of the coolest/weirdest videos I've seen about atheist campaigning. I'm always glad to see fellow atheists fighting for our constitutional rights against the "moral majority" and I'm always glad to see it done in creative/funny ways. I also enjoyed the tv hosts' faux shock at the idea that atheists actually exist and can afford billboards.

But what the fuck was up with that religious right-winger radio host? "Income tax doesn't not exist just because somebody doesn't believe in it. And the same is true with our creator, god." Um, yeah. That is easily the damn dumbest analogy I've ever heard. Well, dude, I know income tax exists because I can see where the government has taken it from me each paycheck. I can see it and I can feel it. God? Not so much. Maybe if god wants to make his presence known, he should send himself to Earth in the form of tax.

Actually, upon second thought, God and government have a lot in common. Both are primarily concerned with taking money from its people under false pretenses. Both are obsessed with image and concerned with the adherence to arbitrary laws. Both are war-mongering hypocrites. And both get national holidays for their shit.

But I do have to give the random dudes who wrote the Bible god his props for this gem, which is easily my favorite biblical verse:

Proverbs 22:14: "The mouth of strange women is a deep pit." Yes, it is.

"My Wit's Diseased"

"This is not about political direction, this is about opening the doors for evil to permeate this nation to its very fiber." Actual comment at http://pmailletblogs.blogspot.com/ about the idea of a Barack Obama presidency. I, like the moron I am, commented on the obvious irony of this post. It was a kneejerk reaction. I feel bad that I may have distracted that poor woman from memorizing biblical passages and crying over the impending destruction of Israel.

When one googles "Obama antichrist," one gets this: "Results 1 - 10 of about 1,170,000 for obama antichrist. (0.18 seconds)". When I typed in "barack obama anti" I got a field of autopopulated results that included: "anti-gun" (495,000 results), "anti-semitic" and "anti-israel" (1,179,000 combined results), "anti-white" (510,000 results), and "anti-america" (1,800,000 results). This isn't surprising, especially considering all the racist shit that went on all over the country right after Obama won. My favorite racist moment:

Second- and third-grade students on a school bus in Rexburg, Idaho, chanted
"assassinate Obama," a district official said.

Ahhhh, gotta love the future of America.

Buying History

Over the past few days, the tv has been offering us this commemorative plate noting Barack Obama's victory. The idea that this historic moment in U.S. history would be whored out for cash isn't surprising or even disgusting to me- it's entirely expected. But the fact that the plate was clearly rushed before the final electoral college map was known makes it feel just a touch cheaper.

The next time you see it, note the "final electoral tally" for President-elect Obama. It's 349, not exactly the 365 he ended up with. Dumbasses.

Anyway, the best part of the commercial is the white middle American family expressing their uncontainable glee over Obama's win. They're all huddled, hugging, around their beloved commemorative plate like it's the baby Jesus. I know infomercial acting is always sincere, genuine, and not loud, but this particular commercial gets me everytime. *wipes tear from eye*

Of course I won't be buying this shit. I made a piece of history by voting for Obama, and that shit didn't cost $19.99.