A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Monday, May 25, 2009

An Ode To True Patriots

Happy Memorial Day! It's America's favorite socialist holiday to celebrate the sacrifices made in the quest to defeat fascism and communism. Just so you don't think I'm ungrateful, I already lit a candle or two for the brave and courageous souls at Fox News who slave tirelessly to bring down the tyrannical President Obama and his band of communist cut throats in Congress. The patriotic sacrifices of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly need to be recognized, for their military records and years of public service allowed them to become the astute political commentators they are today. While past generations had to actually do stuff to be considered patriots, this gang figured out that simply saying stuff was good enough to illustrate one's loyalty to this great nation of ours. They truly took to heart the motto of my high school: "Words, Not Deeds." Wait, it's the other way around. Anyway.

In sum, true sacrifice is for terrorists and tax and spend liberals. The only thing we should require of our citizenry to win future wars is that they slap the "support our troops" magnets on their SUVs and memorize talking points. Classics include: "We're fighting them over there so they don't follow us home," "The oil will pay for the war," and "Mission accomplished." Allah Bless America.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus Lying Bullshit

My favorite recent story from the pop culture front has to be the cheating allegations dogging America's favorite breeders Jon and Kate Gosselin. The Gosselins, of course, have an insanely popular show on TLC that follows their lives as parents to a set of eight-year-old twins and a set of five-year-old sextuplets and all the wacky hijinks that ensue. And also about how stressful it is to have so many kids all the same age. And how stressed Mom and Dad are. In fact, there's a lot of stress in the show, which is fairly amusing to me considering how they refused selective reduction on their sextuplets because abortion makes god cry (although apparently he's cool with people subverting his will by abusing science to conceive a litter of little premie ankle biters). Gee, ya think having so many kids might make you go a touch apeshit? Or want to fuck around on your spouse?

I clearly know too much about this show. I admit I got sucked into some episodes in the earlier seasons because goddamn, those kids are freakin' adorable! But now it's all about product placements and skiing trips to Utah and million-dollar mansions. Since Mom and Dad don't have to have to work to pay the bills anymore, they quit budgeting and taking family trips to Sam's Club and doing whatever other "normal" shit that people identified with. Now they have to fill their free time with banging their bodyguards and partying with college kids (allegedly). Because, gat dam it, having eight children eight years and under just doesn't eat up your time the way you'd think it would!

I have zero sympathy for Jon and Kate. I've read a few articles/blog entries online about how bad people feel for Jon and how much of a pushy bitch Kate is but they're both adults. If Jon doesn't want to be a reality tv star anymore, then he can tell the cameras to leave and get a real job to support his family. But look on the bright side- all this publicity has to be terrific for the new season, which conveniently premieres this Monday and conveniently happens to be all about their recent marital travails. And I'm sure I'll be watching and waiting to judge.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Bitch Is Back

Yeah, it's been a while. I actually tried my hand at Twitter for half a minute, just to see if its 140-character limit could more acutely hold my attention span, but it wasn't meant to e-be. I found myself yearning for the bad old days (re: a few months ago) when I wasted all my time on ye olde Common Nonsense. And now I have RETURNED!! *maniacal laughter*

Just wanted to comment on a few stories/events from the past few weeks:

1) Miss California. It never ceases to astound me how much emphasis we place on the opinions of random dumbasses. Whether it's Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, or Rush Limbaugh, we're always clamoring to dissect, debate, dismiss or deify the utterly inane comments of the utterly idiotic.

2) The Gay Marriage Wave In New England (And Fuckin' Iowa). This is something that totally caught me off guard in a completely terrific way. Who would have thought that the same state that launched Mike Huckabee into the national spotlight would have legalized gay marriage before California? Or New York? Or my home state of Maryland? We got some work to do to regain our commie crowns, *AHEM*

3) The Tea Parties of Last Month. Apparently nothing bothers Republicans more than the Democrats doing exactly what they do- namely spending shitloads of federal money. I was both amused and nonplussed while watching the Fox News coverage of the "tea party" protests of last month. While touted as a "non-partisan" event by proponents, I couldn't help but notice the crowds looked very white and very middle-aged. Favorite sign I spotted: "Obama bin-Lyin." Good to know the Republican Party is attempting to foster a new post-racial image to capture the hearts and minds of a new generation of voters. That sign is almost as good as when people were screaming "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" at McCain/Palin rallies last year. Almost.

4) Mark Your Calendars! A New Supreme Court Shitfight Is Afoot! Oh come on. Who isn't looking forward to this?! I always love the abortion litmus test that no one every really says is about abortion but we all know is about abortion. And just because I'm sexist, racist and a heterophobe, I hope Obama puts a black or Latina lesbian on the court. Nah seriously, it's about goddamn time the Democrats get to put a dude or chick on the Court after two George W. Bush apointees. Not that the Supreme Court should be politicized...that would be WRONG. ;)