A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Buying History

Over the past few days, the tv has been offering us this commemorative plate noting Barack Obama's victory. The idea that this historic moment in U.S. history would be whored out for cash isn't surprising or even disgusting to me- it's entirely expected. But the fact that the plate was clearly rushed before the final electoral college map was known makes it feel just a touch cheaper.

The next time you see it, note the "final electoral tally" for President-elect Obama. It's 349, not exactly the 365 he ended up with. Dumbasses.

Anyway, the best part of the commercial is the white middle American family expressing their uncontainable glee over Obama's win. They're all huddled, hugging, around their beloved commemorative plate like it's the baby Jesus. I know infomercial acting is always sincere, genuine, and not loud, but this particular commercial gets me everytime. *wipes tear from eye*

Of course I won't be buying this shit. I made a piece of history by voting for Obama, and that shit didn't cost $19.99.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sarah Palin Won't Go Away

Fresh off her election night ass-handing three weeks ago and her turkey holocaust last week, the Governor of Alaska is exploring her options. She recently spoke (all by herself!) at the Republican Governors Assocation and, you know, gave a fuckload of "exclusive" interviews to every cable station in this great land of ours. But good news for the vp wannabe! Incumbent Republican senator Saxby Chambliss wants her services in Georgia to help him win reelection!

Being insane, Chambliss said he wants her help because she's popular in Georgia. OK, even though she's not anywhere else in the country. In one of the infinite number of irrelevant polls taken on Election Day, one that stuck out in my mind is that a huge number of people in the suburbs think Palin is unqualified for high office. You cannot be a viable politician and be that loathed by the people in the 'burbs (where, you know, there's lot of voters). But, this being the GOP, they don't give a shit about the suburbs and their stinkin' commie politics (and their lots and lots of people). They want the white, dumbass, pointlessly religious, Joe the Plumber demographic to resurrect itself in 2012 behind- yes, you guess it!- Sarah "Africa is a Continent?" Palin! You think destroying John McCain's career and reputation in two short months would have been, you know, an obstacle to ascending in the ranks of the GOP. Nah, not for the Republicans. No, no, no, she gets the "star" treatment. She's the future and by "future," I mean George W. Bush circa 2000.

God, I was really hoping this one would fade into obscurity, like the crying Britney fan. But alas, she appears to have the staying power of "The Evolution of Dance."

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ballot Initiative Madness

Proposition 8 has passed in California. I'm legitimately shocked that it passed because I assumed that most people in that state are members of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America. I also didn't anticipate all the religious resistence they'd get to it (not realizing that there's a sizable Mormon population in CA). I suppose I'm guilty of viewing that state through a Berkeley/hippie lens but it's just surprising to me that California -of all states- voted to ban gay marriage. It wasn't surprising at all to me that similar measures passed in Florida and Arizona, because, well, those states suck ass.

But Californians didn't just vote to ban gay marriage; they voted to retroactively take away people's rights. It's totally fucked up and unfair. I'll never understand why religious people are so gay for gay people and why they can't just allow grown-ass adults live their own lives as they see fit. It's almost like Christians aren't happy unless they're demonizing some subgroup of society (which I hear Jesus was all about). But fuck it. All I can say to gay people is keep your chin up. Amendments can be amended; it's happened before when religious freaks got too much influence *cough* PROHIBITION *cough*. Your time will come.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Alan Keyes Is Bitter, Lonely Man

This man, Alan Keyes, carpetbagger, deranged narcissist, former 1996, 2000, and 2008 Republican candidate for president, former Obama rival in the 2004 Illinois Senate race, and author, has filed a lawsuit against Barack Obama and Joe Biden demanding to see evidence that Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. He claims that Obama's short-form birth certificate posted on the president-elect's website isn't good enough.

I'm no legal scholar, OK? But I do know that even if Obama wasn't born in Hawaii (like his goddamn birth certificate states) then he'd still be a legal U.S. citizen.

Peep what I copy and pasted from Wikipedia: "For persons born on or after November 14, 1986, a person is a U.S. citizen if all of the following are true: -One of the person's parents was a U.S. citizen when the person in question was born; -The citizen parent lived at least 5 years in the United States before his or her child's birth; -A minimum of 2 of these 5 years in the United States were after the citizen parent's 14th birthday."

Obama's mother was born in Kansas, right? So he'd get citizenship by virtue of bursting through her Kansan loins. So he meets the criteria, even if Obama's mother flew to Kenya to have him. Yeah, I know it says "For persons born on or after November 14, 1986," but it doesn't matter because Obama was born in fucking Hawaii. I think that's what irks the Republicans so much- that he was born on some sexy Polynesian island and not in the shithole, dime a dozen rural towns most people are (at least most Republicans...and myself, but I'm an anomaly). That and it's just another way he's too "different" to be president.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Nation's Got The Blues

Drink that shit up. There's a whole lot of fucking blue where there wasn't just four short years ago. How far we've come indeed.

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people commenting on the future of the Republican Party. I love how the media is acting like they'll go in some new, sane, non-Christiany direction. Puh-lease. The religious right is that party's eyewall; the notion that the GOP would drop kick them in favor of "attracting new voters" is ludicrous. The nutbag Christians are the reason the Republicans can always rely on the South to deliver red. And the fact that the brightest "star" in that party right now is Sarah Palin should speak volumes about the "new" direction they plan on going in. Karl Rovism may have failed this year, but like a malicious phoenix rising from the ashes, it'll be back. I'm sure it'll be just more of the insane same from the GOP.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Another Blow For Secular Progressives

Move over, Nevada! We Marylanders voted big to allow slot machines in the state. The ballot initiative allows for up to 15,000 slots in five counties, including the one I live in. I can tell you we need the jobs up here in Bumfuck, irrespective of the impending moral calamity the Christians are predicting.

I really love the Christian argument for why slots are so bad. Because "gambling" is bad. Oh really? Even though the proceeds will go towards funding public education? Oh, yeah. I forgot. They homeschool or put their kids in fortresses away from the progeny of the evil and dreaded secular progressives. And you know these are the same people who play the lotto and hit the bingo halls with the gals every week while not noting the delicious moral hypocrisy of it all.

This reminds me of a conversation Marge Simpson and Maude Flanders had on an old episode of "The Simpsons." It was the one where the hurricane destroys the Flanders' home:

Marge: Well at least your homeowner's insurance will cover the damages.

Maude: Oh, we don't have homeowner's insurance. Neddy considers it a form of gambling.

I never got the joke as a kid but it just keeps getting funnier as I age.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Yes We Fucking Did!

Yeah! Now all you bigots can address this man as President-elect Barack Hussein Obama!

I feel like we finally got one right, after eight straight years of fuck-ups. I'm the happiest I've been at any point in my adult life. I guess you could say, for the first time in my adult life, I'm proud of my country. Hat tip to Michelle Obama and everyone who voted Democrat.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Bomb...Syria and Pakistan

Just a quick comment on our "accidental" raid on a Syrian village this week. According to the BBC, a U.S. helicopter raid killed eight people- including four kids- in an eastern region of the country. As you can see, Syria shares a long border with the country we're currently liberating.

The U.S. government has supposedly chastised Syria for not cracking down on the traffic of unidentified people (read: terrorists) across said border, therefore leaving us the only option of attacking their sovereign country. Of course, the U.S. is a pro at cracking down on the traffic of unidentified people crossing our own porous border. Hey, maybe we should invade Syria to show 'em how it's done!

Apparently, we also "accidentally" attacked Pakistan this week, too. We're finding it difficult to keep them dang al-Qaedas in Afghanistan!

I know that invading sovereign nations is soooooo 2003 but can we at least pretend like we give the tiniest of shits about this kind of stuff? Anyone?