I Hope Hope Is A Plan

I have a confession to make- I am really an optimist at heart. Yeah, underneath the facade of (genuine) cynicism and wariness, I usually conclude that things don't suck most of the time. Unfortunately- and all too commonly- this underlying rosiness gets pissed the fuck off.

Like all good Obamunist liberals, I want to believe our president and his Democratic Congress can fix all that ails our dying country. And quickly. But I also know that the news is getting worse by the New York millisecond- GM is laying off 47,000 workers in one month, the Stock Market has had its worst two-month opening ever, GDP is at its slowest pace in 27 years, etc. And that's just the shit I can remember off the top of my head.

I'm beginning to believe that there's little anyone can do for the US of A except let this shitstream of failure continue. I watched part of Obama's address to Congress this week and while I love the oratory (I always do), it just seemed like more of a pep rally than a plan. Yeah, I know the stimulus got through, but it's going to take years to measure what, if any, positive effect that has on the economy. I did like how Obama challenged Americans to get more schooling and whatnot but what difference does having a college degree make if there aren't any "good" jobs to be had? I'll answer that question from personal experience: it don't make a damn difference.

Anyway, I know the economy will recover because it always does. And I also know that it's too early to call America completely out of the race. With a constant flow of immigrants, America is poised to remain the third most populous country in 2050- with an estimated 438 million people- while most of the populations of other industrialized nations will fall by that year. Fuck, we're like Jason- just when you think you've killed us for the seventy billionth time in the fourteenth sequel, we snap back to cut someone else's head off. We'll be hanging around like uninvited houseguest we are, just hopefully without the unwarranted go-to-hell attitude.

I'm Not Dead

Clearly, ole Common Nonsense has been neglected. I can't even say it's because I've gotten a life or I'm completely thrilled with our new president. I've just lost interest and I hate myself for it.

Anyway, I'd like to thank Can I Just Say for tagging me for the following Honest Scrap Blogging Award. It made me smile. I like your blog, too!

Moving on to the politics front, nothing has brought me more lolz over the past few weeks quite like listening to the GOP bitch and moan about all the funding Obama's stimulus package is going to entail. Republicans never stop astounding me with their lack of irony. I think they need to realize that their big government got us into the myriad of messes we're currently in and it's going to take more big government to get us out. But I guess now that said big government is in the form of "tax and spend liberals" (cause heaven forbid we actually pay for the shit we do), all of a sudden they're back to being the party of fiscal responsibility. LOL

Moving on to the "me" front, I might have a job in Obama's new liberal big government! I took a test last week to be a supervisor in something to do with the 2010 census and I passed! Yeah for me! I couldn't help but lol a little, because I, at age 23, may be in a position to supervise people in their 40s and 50s. All that power is gonna go straight to my balls, I swear.

Of course, since it's the government, I probably won't hear anything from them until June but it's still something to smile about today. Don't let me down, B!

Just Some lOLz

-A hilarious post script to the octuplet story- the mother already has six kids. And all fourteen (that's 14) of her children were conceived using sperm from the same donor. And she's single and still lives with her parents. LOL

-Rush Limbaugh is being touted as the "new" voice of the "new" Republican Party. I'm sorry, is this 1993? Speaking of the Republican Party, they elected Michael Steele as the new head of the RNC. Cause what better way to counter the popularity of Barack Obama than to elect a senatorial loser like Michael Steele? But hey, at least he's black! And he was lieutenant governor of Maryland! Way to go Republicans! Way to not make empty gestures of conciliation to ethnic minorities, who are abandoning your party in droves!

-The "recession" is going to get worse and when recovery does come, it will be "slow and weak." Thanks, MSN!

-I have a migraine and I think my head is going to split open! Yay! Have a great fuckin' weekend, y'all! I certainly will!!!!!!!!111

Schadenfreude Is Where It's At

I hate to break it to y'all, but I'm still ridin' a slight Obamahigh. Ye olde rage well is runnin' a touch dry and whatnot. I am a bit miffed that he's yet to get a stimulus package through Congress (I seem to recall he told us he wanted to sign said lauded stimulus package into action on Day One) but I understand he's up against a mighty bureaucracy and there's still tons of pork shit to be hammered out, so I'm still willing to cut him some slack. At least until Black History Month. Then it's gonna be on like white on rice. I'm also officially going to hold Obama accountable if I don't get this government job I got lined up. So be prepared for a wall of bitchy shit to come down if I'm still unemployed this time next month.

But leave it to the bitter, insane right wing whiney assholes to jump all over Obama like a Kleenex at a snot party mere hours after he stumbled through the oath. Rush Limbaugh said, on inauguration day, "I hope he fails."

I hope you're happy with that quote. I had to travel to Rush Limbaugh's website to retrieve it and now I feel filthier than a Vegas whore. Clearly, this is the most outrageously unpatriotic thing any whiney little asshole could say, even one as whiney as Limbaugh. When you say you want the president to fail, you're saying you want this country to fail. Wanting America to fail = John Walker Lindh territory. God, it felt way too good to compare Rush Limbaugh to a member of the Taliban. But it's true. Look, if any person said those exact four words about George Bush this month six years ago- in the lead up to the Iraq invasion- Rush would have had no problem throwin' around the "you're a terrorist and want bin Laden's America-hatin' babies" routine. So consider it a dose of your own McCarthyite Oxycotin-laden medicine, Rush. You whiney little bitch.

But honestly, that statement didn't and doesn't really bother me. That's because for the past week, I've felt like Cartman at the end of that South Park episode where he makes that kid Scott Tenorman eat his parents (Cartman grinds his parents into a chili; it's actually really funny). When the kid realizes that he's just eaten his parents, Cartman says, "Oh, god, I love your tears, Scott. Please, let me taste your tears."

That's how I feel and it's great. Picture Scott Tenorman as Rush Limbaugh and me as Cartman and you've approximated my almost orgasmic ebullience over the past week at the Fox New brigade's hate-flavored tears. It's a blast to finally be able to throw their own shit right back in their faces. Don't support Bush Obama? Then you might as well be pissin' all over the hole in the ground at Ground Zero, hippie. Then you want the terrorists to win, commie. You're either with us or against us, Frenchie.

This is America. Love it or leave it, bitches.

I Took All The Ws Off The Keyboards And All I Got Was This Lousy New Pepsi Ad

Obviously, I have nothing of actual import to bitch about (assuming the hot Facebook topic has been settled). Obama signed an executive order to close Gitmo, Obama is still alive, and I'm feeling- get this- happy and optimistic about the future. Gross. So clearly, the past few days have been a living hell for your sarcastic, cynical, bitter girl. I'm hoping I'm not coming down with an acute personality change, cause then I may have to spend more time among my fellow homo sapiens and not in this here 'puter chair. Again, gross.

So yeah. As I was tearfully watching the inauguration coverage on CNN and MSNBC, I kept noticing this new Pepsi ad that spans generations and oldass Pepsi cans. The new commercial ends with the slogan, "Every generation refreshes the world." Not to mention the above ad, which clearly apes the Obama "change" sign and steals word-for-word his entire campaign platform. And, well, I think that's dumb. So there's that.

Also, I kept waiting for CNN to outdo its lameass Election Day holograms with something equally lameass, but it didn't (because, really, how does a network outdo a dancin', holographic will.i.am?). I thought that satellite photo they kept promoting was actually pretty cool, even though their loud, hyberbolic description of the millions of people on the Mall was indeed lameass: "They look like a swarm of ants!" and "They look like millions of tiny ants!" and other ant-related comparisons. Yeah, wow! It's a picture taken from fuckin' space! Look at them miniscule folk an 'em! They look like ants on an anthill about to devour the White House pic-a-nic basket! Jesus Christ, shut up and get back to the cuteness that is Sasha and Malia!

And speaking of the First Children, have they gotten their puppy yet? What kind? From where? And is it a mut, like Obama? Fuck, now that was a news story with legs! Where for art thou, First Puppy? Among other pressing issues of the week, like Michelle Obama's universally-panned inaugural dress. Christ, lady! You graduated from Princeton and Harvard and that's the best you can do? Why did you waste all that time developing your mind when you could have been studying haute couture? Think! Jackie O ain't remember for her dissertation!

Anyway, that's the best I can do on this sunny Friday. I can only hope that Obama's change depresses me at some point.

More Crap In My Eye

The plan. I was tempted to give this one its very own post but it isn't worth it. Mother Dearest has been on me to come up with a "plan" for my life. I'm all like, "But I did the plan. The plan was college. My high school guidance counselor told me if I went to college, all the doors in the world would open up to me, flowers would bloom in the desert, Muslims and Jews would get it on, and my life would resemble a trendy sitcom about Modern Woman if I got a framed piece of paper with my full name on it. I did the plan. THE PLAN FAILED." I guess what she really means is that she wants me to solve this historic global economic crisis all by my lonesome in between blog posts and gin shots. "Well, you have to get a job," she bitches. Right. Because I haven't ever tried looking for a job. I'm waiting for one to knock on my bedroom door, take me by the hand, and introduce me to his (or her) HMO and 401k. Here's the rub, Ma: We're. In. A. Depression. No. One. Hires. In. A. Depression. Speaking of declaring the obvious...

Generation Y Job-Seekers Hit Hard. That's an actual article title on MSN. One, two, three: NO FUCKIN' SHIT! I really should quit reading MSN. It always pisses me off.

Automatic things. Everything is automated. Think about it. Doors, sinks, toilets, hand dryers, "people movers" (or as I call them, "flat escalators"). I was in a mall bathroom the other day (not soliciting a handjob, Senator Craig) and all of a sudden, I felt like I was living in a lame episode of The Jetsons. If, you know, people in the 60s thought automatic sinks were blazing new technology. The philosophy behind this shit is astounding. Automatic bathrooms? Well, we're saving trees by not wasting as much TP and paper towels. Wow, except for every piece of already recycled paper towel you save from being recycled again, you've wasted more than that in electricity to run this Lay-Z-Boy bathroom! You, sir, are a tool.

I, and you, are capable of touching things and wiping our own hands with paper towels. Allah gave us manual dexterity and opposable thumbs for a reason. Not to wave them under literally stupid computer chips that don't always detect our presence all in some vein attempt at eco-conscientiousness. Besides, every time I approach an automatic door, I get that Simpsons episode in my head where Bart sells his soul to Milhouse for a comic or something and all of a sudden he cannot walk through an automatic door because he lacks a soul. I have a mild panic attack every time I see an automatic door, knowing if it doesn't open, I'm most certainly soulless. Which leads me to my next beef...

I am the living embodiment of entropy. Entropy is the second law of thermodynamics that states the universe tends towards chaos and decay. I am that principle in action. More on that later.

The plane that crashed in New York yesterday. It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, it's a bird in a plane! I am legitimately relieved to hear there were no causalities, but come on! How insane is it that a plane crashes in New York on the very same day George Bush gives his farewell address on keeping us safe! Well apparently, he should have declared a War on Ducks because those fuckers almost killed 155 people yesterday. Or a War on Human Error. Remember the plane that crashed in Queens on November 12, 2001, killing 265? No you don't! Because it crashed from run of the mill, and way unsexy, piloting error. Certainly nothing to steamroll the Middle East over.

I don't believe in fate but if there is a god, he has a cruel sense of irony. I like that!

See You In Hell, George (Plus A Meme!)

George Bush will give his farewell address tonight. Will I watch it? Um, no way. As the devil, I've had his number for years now and am warming a special place for him in Hades right next to my fiery ass. I'm sharpening my pitchfork and readying the other assholes in hell for his arrival.

That and I already know what he's going to say. Something along the lines of: "I'm the bestest president ever cause I dun crusaded agin' them Moose-lims who dun did Nine, One One. The Iraqistanis are liberated now and Afghanisland is Talibani free. I dun came in with a lousy economy and am leavin' y'all with a lousy economy. It ain't my fault. It's Clinton's. Now Laura and me are goin' back to Crawford Dallas to enjoy a kickass retirement. I might write me a autobiography about all the great stuff I dun decided on as president or I might start drinkin' again. Who knows? The world's my oil-ster! Nyuck nyuck! That was a joke! Git it? Jesus loves ya! Buh-bye, Bush 43."

And now for a meme. Like Can I just Say, I am far too cool to own an ipod so I had to settle with shuffling my iTunes. I'm sure you were worried about that. :)

Rules​

1. Put your iPod/​iTune​s on shuff​le.​

2. For each quest​ion,​ press​ the next butto​n to get your answe​r.

3. YOU MUST WRITE​ THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTE​R HOW SILLY​ IT SOUND​S!​

4. Tag 3 people to complete this!

IF SOMEO​NE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY"​ YOU SAY?
"Is She Weird"- Pixies

WHAT WOULD​ BEST DESCR​IBE YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​
"Take A Bow"- Madonna (Yes! I am the coolest person in Appalachia, so you better bow down to the queen. Recognize, fool!)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/​GIRL?​
"Satin in a Coffin"- Modest Mouse

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'​S PURPO​SE?
"Raw Power"- The Stooges

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO​?​
"Violet"- Hole ("and the sky was all violet / I want again but violent more violent" Yes!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIEN​DS THINK​ OF YOU?
"The First Taste"- Fiona Apple

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ ABOUT​ VERY OFTEN​?​
"Rape Me"- Nirvana (not very often, I swear)

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR BEST FRIEN​D?​
"Tromple le Monde"- Pixies

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"Blue Jean"- David Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY​?​
"Gutless"- Hole (that's actually pretty accurate)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"700 Mile Situation"- Res

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"O'Sailor"- Fiona Apple ("oh sailor why you'd do it / what'd you do that for")

WHAT DO YOUR PAREN​TS THINK​ OF YOU?
"Monkey Gone To Heaven"- Pixies ("if man is five, if man is five, if man is five / then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six" Cute.)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE​ TO AT YOUR WEDDI​NG?​
"My Prerogative"- Britney Spears

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNER​AL?​
"Rabbit Fur Coat"- Jenny Lewis (the COOLEST song in my catalogue)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGE​ST SECRE​T?​
"Spanish Caravan"- The Doors

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR FRIEN​DS?​
"Goodbye Blue Sky"- Pink Floyd

WHAT'​S THE WORST​ THING​ THAT COULD​ HAPPE​N?​
"About A Girl"- Nirvana ("I take advantage while / you hang me out to dry / but I can't see you every night for free")

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Intimate Secretary"- The Ranconteurs

WHAT IS ONE THING​ YOU REGRE​T?​
"Me Against The Music"- Britney Spears feat. Madonna

WHAT MAKES​ YOU LAUGH​?​
"Allison"- Pixies

WHAT MAKES​ YOU CRY?
"Store Bought Bones"- The Ranconteurs

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRI​ED?​
"Erotica"- Madonna (haha)

DOES ANYON​E LIKE YOU?
"Extraordinary Machine"- Fiona Apple (A girl can hope)

IF YOU COULD​ GO BACK IN TIME,​ WHAT WOULD​ YOU CHANG​E?​
"Melt Your Heart"- Jenny Lewis

WHAT HURTS​ RIGHT​ NOW?
"Sunshowers"- M.I.A. ("you wanna go? / you wanna win a war? / Like PLO, I don't surrendo" That's a little topical and odd.)

And I tag alana, haworth, and ambles. C'mon. You know you wanna waste time on this shit. ;)

Cletus Says: Bush Isn't Totally Incompetent

This morning started off like many before it. I awoke after five hours of restless sleep pissed off, groggy, and in dire need of a bigass pot of coffee. But there was one slight difference: I happen to awaken in the Fox News Twilight Zone Where America Is Awesome All The Time. The front page of my hometown newspaper has a photo of an African woman and the following article summary: "Aid worker Sweetness Mzolisa poses at the Nocingile day care center in Khayelitsha, South Africa. From a windowless shed, Mzolisa leads a chorus of praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush." At first I thought I was hallucinating; after all, I didn't fall asleep until damn near 5 am today and once I did, I had a succession of horrifying nightmares involving the Twin Towers, dead fish, The Joker, and blogging (fuck!). But no, my hometown paper actually has the words, "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush," written in one non-ironic sentence.

I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).

Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.

Sweet Negro Jesus!

Just so you don't think I'm racist, "Negro Jesus" is the actual title of this picture. Anyway, I was bored and surfin' the Internet pages of the right-wing British paper The Telegraph and came across the following headline: "Sacha Baron Cohen's black Jesus to shock America." The description of the article is, "Sacha Baron Cohen is preparing to shock America with his latest film, which is said to contain a black model called Jesus wearing a loincloth and a crown of thorns." LOL.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, terrifies white hicks quite like the notion that Jesus was black / Arab / not totally white. I remember way the hell back in 2004 when The Passion of the Christ came out, and among the charges of anti-Semitism and other sundry criticism Mel Gibson received for that sadistic piece of dead languaged shit based on Jewish fairytales from the Bronze Age, was that he cast a white guy named Jim Caviezel as Jesus. He went to all the trouble of making the actors learn Aramaic and Latin, filmed the movie entirely in those languages and initially didn't want English subtitles because Jesus couldn't read (actually, he just wanted the audience to focus on the horrible torture of Jesus by the Joooos! rather than read *scoffs* the actual dialogue among the characters), but he couldn't be bothered to cast an Arab-looking guy to play Jesus. Of course, that didn't bother America. The Passion is the most successful R-Rated movie in history.

I saw it at a theater nearby when it first came out, mainly because I'm a mashochist and enjoy having my eyes raped by the steaming piles of gooey baby shit that passes for "art" in our time. The theater was packed with every shade of obese, cross-clutching Jesus freak this side of the Mississippi and when it ended, people actually stood up and cheered. Everyone did, except me. There was this black guy in front of me who was crying, and not because Jesus was played by a white dude. He was seriously that moved by this two-hour bondage film about a fictional character. I, on the other hand, was shocked. Don't get me wrong- I heart movie violence. But I, like a dumbass, thought the movie was going to star Jesus and not his bleeding nail-on-a-whip wounds.

And I can't remember why I bothered with this post. Oh yeah, Borat's new movie. Atheism good. Religion bullshit, and all that. Man, I need a drink.

Not Another Israel Post

I'm sick of that shit so I'm going to ramble incoherently for this particular entry. Here are some things that are chapping my lily white ass right now:

Number one: The cover of Joe The Liar's new book. Presumably, "Joe The Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream" means fighting against the forces of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America under a fake persona with an exposed ass crack via a book that was ghostwritten by someone smarter than you.
-Nostradamus, his fan club, and Nostradamus-related programming. He was not a prophet. He wrote vague statements about the events of his day that people later interpreted as prophecy. Sort of like the people who wrote the Bible. Take this quatrain: "The sky will burn at 45 degrees / Fire approaches the great New City / Immediately a huge scattered flame leaps up / When they want to have proof of the Normans." Clearly this references airplanes flying into the Twin Towers on 9/11. Because if there's one thing the hijackers hated, it was a lack of proof of the fuckin' Normans! Goddammit, they hated that shit! I think that's also mentioned in sentence one of bin Laden's first fatwa against the U.S. Check it. But it does teach me an important lesson if I ever decide to enter prophecy as a profession: if it's vague bullshit, the people will come. I just want to thank the History Channel for airing three successive and sincere programs on this asshat.

-The Bible Code. Basically like Nostradamus for your computer nerd religious fanatics, the Bible Code is supposedly a series of secret messages hidden in the Bible that can only be found via a computer program that runs a series of matrices on the text to find vague, chopped up words that, if you squint your eyes and damage your cerebral cortex, clearly predicts events of our day. If god is omnipotent, then I think he can do better than "the assassin will assassinate" in reference to Yitzhak Rabin's murder. Yeah, god, assassinate is what assassins tend to do. Funny thing is, some Australian scientist ran the same matrix on "Moby Dick" and found similar shit. So I think there's one thing to conclude here: HERMAN MELVILLE WAS THE SECOND COMING AND WE FUCKIN' MISSED IT! OMFG!

-Educational bureaucracy. It took me a half hour to unenroll from a community college where I was planning on studying something in the medical field. I had to fill out a form in one building, drive to the other side of campus to get it signed by my advisor, drive back to the first building, and then take the form to three different offices to have it notarized by two different people. And you know they'll still send me a bill for the classes I'm now unenrolled from.

-My town's roundabout. In an effort to be cool, European-like, and save money on another useless traffic light, my town erected a roundabout (or "traffic circle," if you're a lame Yank) near said community college. Problem is, the local yokels cannot figure it out. As I was passing through it today, a guy in a truck did like a 380 in it; he went around it completely then took the right he was closest to when he pulled up to the damn thing. During that minute he was driving around, he must have been pissing himself in terror that he'd died, been sent to hell, and give this Sisyphean task as eternal punishment for his inability to understand the hard science of yielding to your left and exiting to your right. And I'm sure he's not the only one who's had that existential crisis while frantically trying to exit this black hole of a demon known as our town's roundabout.

-Maintaining this constant level of outrage. It's exhausting. :)

You Had Me At 'Demonic Sex'

Oh boy! It's Armageddon Week on the History Channel and I'm in devil heaven. I'm currently watching a program on the Apocrypha and they're discussing Adam's first-wife-turned-bitchass-succubus Lilith. Tonight they're going to air "Seven Signs of the Apocalypse" and I can't fuckin' wait. I think I've seen it before (both the program and the signs) but I'm still looking forward to it...because there's no better way of ushering in a hopeful new year than to watch a series of shows dedicated to dissecting the myriad of ways we can all be killed. Way to piss all over my optimism parade, History Channel!


Switching gears...I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that Barack Obama is actually considering $300 billion in tax cuts. I had the same visceral response to this article as I did when I read that John McCain had selected Sarah Palin as his runningmate: "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me." I am no economic expert, but I do have a memory and seem to recall tax cuts were the first thing George Bush did exactly eight years ago after he took office. Obama's tax cuts are going toward lower and middle-income families, unlike Bush's that went to the genteel, but I'm just stunned. It reminds me of that crackpot "stimulus package" idea Congress had last year to throw $300 at each American to avert a recession. Yeah, great idea. That worked like gangbusters and took $152 billion out of the already gutted Treasury. Let's do it again!

According to the same article, the U.S. economy shed a further 445,000 jobs in December, which was a great way to cap off a year that saw two million other jobs vanish into the ether of Bush's historically shitastic legacy. And that's excellent news for me, who's been looking for gainful employment for months now. Goddammit, George! I swear to Allah, if I have to get a job stocking Barbies and rifles in my local Wal-Mart because you shipped my potential good job to Bangladesh...well, I'm gonna be one pissed off liberal atheist hillbilly. And no one wants that. *shakes fist at screen*

New Year, (Mostly) Same Old Shit

I managed to survive my gin and juice-fueled evening to see the dawning of 2009. I've been awake since 3:47am humming the hypnotic chorus of the eponymous Snoop Dogg song: Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on gin and juice. Yes, I am really, painfully white.

Anyway, I awoke to more than just a headache and a belly full of liquor. Turns out some actual shit has gone down since I passed out last night. First and foremost, today was declared "Sovereignty Day" in Iraq because the U.S. symbolically returned control of the lauded Green Zone over to the Iraqis. The area gets a lot of press because it's the center of the international coalition U.S. presence in Baghdad and supposedly the safest place in Iraq, even though we've heard about tons of suicide bombings going off in it for years. The area is home to our embassy there as well as Saddam's palace, which I saw the inside of when Kathy Griffin toured it on an episode of "My Life on the D-List." And goddamit! I just realized I slept through her New Year's coverage with Anderson Cooper! Shit. Still, this is one of the few "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. If, you know, there are any "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. Accompanying the article I read, there was this poignant image of soldiers hoisting an Iraqi flag up a pole but I thought the Chucky image was funnier.

And in Minnesota, the state supreme court has rejected incumbent Republican Norm Colemen's claims that some of Al Franken's votes were counted twice. Lest you think this shit is over and done with, this ruling just opens the door for lawsuit upon lawsuit. I suspect litigation to be filed by each candidate, party, innocent bystander, and Elian Gonzales. It's not damn likely there will be a winner declared before January 6th, when Congress reconvenes, and it's looking increasingly dim that there will be a winner before January 20th, when the new Congress is sworn in. I say great. As the Devil, I heart Murphy's Law and governmental incompetence. Whoo hoo!

I'm actually looking forward to this new year and hope that B. Hussein Obama (as my Republican friends refer to him) and the Republican-lite new Congress can get to cleanin' up this clusterfuck of a shitfest George The Baptist has left us mired in. Personally, I have a lot of options and my one and only resolution for 09 is to be less of a crybaby bitch. :)

Child Labor Globalization Is Chic

I certainly cleaned up today. I got a closet's worth of new clothes, some books, and three seasons worth of Bullshit!. Jesus' birthday was very good for this atheist.

As per holiday tradition, I went through all of the tags on my new clothes to laugh at the countries they were made in: Hong Kong, India, China, Cambodia, and Mexico all made the list. I just want to make one thing clear: I do not support child labor in the First World. I find it barbaric and sickening. But dammit, I am a sucker for a finely stitched sweater! I just want to thank the six-year-old who crocheted this gorgeous pattern on my new turtleneck:

It's actually purple; I'm not sure why it's showing up as red. I blame the communist idiots in China who made my Sony Cyber-shot digital camera. Anyway, I wonder if she knows purple is a regal color. Doubt it. But she certainly has a future in...aw, she doesn't have a future! But thanks!

It's no wonder America died this year. India and China's economies are so booming they have to employ children. Way to rub it in, Third World Asian countries! I mean, how are we supposed to compete with that? Our six-year-olds are too busy not learning anything in our horribly underfunded public schools. And those damn American auto workers, with their demands for safe working conditions and decent wages! You know who else said shit like that? One Karl Marx! I guess it's a good thing the auto industry collapsed so we can finally break their backs and get back to paying workers in lint and verbal abuse. Hey, it's the only feasible way we can compete with the sweatshops powerhouses in Asia- by reverting back to societal standards circa The Jungle. And I promise that's my last use of the strikeout thing this post. ;)

Nah, I actually don't mind that everything I wear, drive, eat, and think originated in other countries. I'm just embarrassed that we can't even make our own patriotic shit in America anymore. We've outsourced flag-making! Way to be "country first," Republicans! You know we're fucked when our "America Is #1" foam fingers come made in China.

Anyway, hope your Xmas went well. I also hope you bewared the gun-totin' Santas. Geesh.

Happy Xmas Eve Eve

The sign homeless Santa is holding says, "The sleigh broke down." This picture would probably be funnier if it were 1999 but I wanted to give a shout out to the economic crisis in this otherwise cheery post.

Robot Santa from "Futurama." He's the reason I will only refer to Christmas as "Xmas."

And this one is just for lolz. I hate kids, so this one brings a tear to my eye.

I actually enjoy Xmas Day but I'm not really sure why. I was about 9 or 10 when I caught on to the great Santa conspiracy and I never really forgave my parents for that injustice. Ever since I was about 12, Christmas at the Beelzebub household has really been like Hanukkah. We just get each other the practical shit we asked for. No surprise, no excitement, other than the unwrapping. "Oh, it's that book I asked for. Thanks." "Oh wow. A whole pack of socks? It really must be Christmas!" OK, you get it. I guess that's one of the joys of growing up.

However, I do love the food and being around family. Yeah, my cyncism hasn't completely calcified and I don't actually hate being around my family at holidays. And there's one reason for that: they're all fucking nuts. My grandmother, for example, has been calling George Bush the anti-Christ since at least summer 2001 and finds the need to mention it at every familial get together. And my 50-year-old uncle is a spinster. I'm unaware of an equally offensive term for men but if that word exists, my uncle is it. He has never been married and lives alone with four cats, one of which he named after himself. Yes, he owns a cat that he has named after himself. A cat.

Anyway, enough with this nonsense, I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Xmas. I was going to give you the secular "Happy Holidays" but even I as an atheist hate that shit.

The Following Dumb Things Make Me lOLz

-Watching that kickass Iraqi journalist throw his shoes at George Bush's face. It will never get old and gives poignant new meaning to the phrase "shoeicide bomber." But I do have to take issue with the media reporting that his flying shoes represent only Muslim outrage at Bush. Believe me, no one hates Bush more than Americans right now.

-Knowing people are booking rooms in my hometown for Obama's inauguration, even though it's long, lonely, red two and a half hours away from Washington, D.C.

-The final election results from my county. We went almost 2:1 for McSame-Palin.

-The giant leaning Christmas tree downtown. I would have taken a picture but I kept laughing too hard to hold the camera straight. There's also a Santa Claus holding an American flag, which struck me as slightly insane.

-The Republican "outrage" over the Rod Blagojevich thing. And listening to tv hosts continually stumble over "Blagojevich."

-Listening to all the hicks who live in my hometown freak out over Obama's victory. One of them actually said: "I'm scared." What's to be afraid of? He's only the anti-Christ. And why are you afraid of the impending apocalypse? Isn't that what you nutbag Christians are trying to precipitate in the Middle East with your bizarrely vociferous support of Israel? Hell, man, look on the bright side! Obama's gonna be great for the sales of the Left Behind: It All Started November 4, 2008 series!

-Facebook status. It's just so narcissistic and stupid (unlike, say, having a blog where you espouse your worthless opinions). But at least I get to know whenever one of my "friends" is "so sad it's ridiculous" or "laughing so hard because McCain got beat like a cat gets beat down the stairs." (<--- They're real!) I mean, these are mostly people I haven't seen in five years or more and this is all I get about their lives since high school. And if it says anything...aw, fuck it. It doesn't say anything! It's just pointless inanity!

-Dick Cheney nonchalantly admitting he OK'd torture. And that Iraq never had WMDs (remember them?). And our collective indifference to those admissions.

-My mom's reaction to the Caylee Anthony case. OK, even I think it's sad that a two-year-old probably got killed by her mother, but my mom is acting like it's the first time the media has blown a filicide case out of proportion. I think she also views it as a reason she's a good mom, like I should be thanking her for not chloroforming me as a toddler. Uh, thanks Mom.

-Conservative bloggers. Get on talk radio! The blogosphere is our thing!

-Procrastination. I went to the big city today (Hagerstown, Maryland, population: 39,640) and every discount store I went to was packed with lazy (yet pushy and vicious) last-minute shoppers. While I was sitting in traffic waiting to leave the mall parking lot, I couldn't believe we're going through the worst economic crisis in 80 years. It certainly isn't keeping people out of the mall or off the roads. The way the media portrays it, every single American is spending the holiday season cowering in terror and hoarding their pennies in their soon-to-be-repossessed homes.

-That Iraqi journalist throwing his shoes at George Bush's face! You're my hero, man!

My Free Wishlist

Here's a quick post for a thing at Twentysomething bloggers:

"A wishlist of things you want that are free":

-To see Obama and his family walk into the White House, knowing he's a smart guy who's right for the job. And knowing the White House was constructed by slave labor. It'll be pretty righteous. :)

-To see George Walker Bush walk out of the White House. For. ever. And just generally putting a period at the end of the past eight years of shock and blah.

-I wouldn't mind witnessing a Nuremberg-style trial for the Bushites but I'd settle for closing Guantanomo Bay.

-To watch the swearing in of the Republican-lite 111th Congress.

-To see that Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at Bush win the Nobel Prize for Awesome.

-For 2009 to not suck, personally and professionally.

-To see this depression lift, personally and globally.

-That Sarah Palin continues to hang around. She makes me lOlz.

-Wuv and understanding. And more hugs. Hugs are always good.

-To see a less insane world. Or at least a world that's more 'good' crazy than 'batshit' crazy.

-For more people to just freakin' relax and laugh at shit. Humor does not have a partisan bias (though we libs are way funnier).

-For Obama to really be the anti-Christ. Wouldn't that be hilarious?!

Local Randomness and Maudlin Self-Reflection

It's snowing! It's our first measurable snowfall of the year and the whole area is overreacting, as usual. Schools let out two hours early and most other public buildings closed early as well.

Yeah, I know. This isn't very exciting... until you realize that it was a humid, sunny 58 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday. It's a good thing this climate change thing is nothing more than liberal scare tactics rather than an empirical historical trend. Fuck you, Al! And now for a completely gratuitous Simpsons quote:

"Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded 'greenhouse effect'? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the 'price' of car pollution, then you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac"- Kent Brockman

I had a job interview today! The job is for a part-time census-taker position. Actually, it wasn't an interview, it was a test. I had to take a standardized test in a room full of other potential applicants. It was a test divided into sections designed to measure our strengths in particular areas of intellect (ie verbal, math, etc). Sort of like the SAT. I suddenly realized the absurdity of the situation when it dawned on me that I took the SAT exactly six years ago this month...in a room not unlike the room I sat in today. And when I was taking said SAT six years ago, I certainly thought I was preparing myself for a job beyond the one I was applying for today. I did manage to graduate from college (finally, after five years) but for what? To end up taking a test in a room full of people who were all easily at least twenty years older than me, some so old I was convinced they'd probably signed up for a job like this during the last depression?

It's almost enough to make me depressed...until I realize I don't really care. The job only lasts ten weeks and the pay is insane. I do realize that the time is coming for me to make a decision: to be (a grad student) or not to be. Or to continue down this path of working random jobs far below my skill set for a few weeks at a time because I'm too lazy to move away from this shithole hometown I loathe.

But this intrapersonal melodrama is gonna have to wait. Rachel Maddow's on!

God Is In Your Taxes

This is what boredom and insomnia will do to you: I just finished a marathon YouTube session (I'm officially over 8,000 videos watched!) that lasted about an hour and a half. OK, maybe an hour and a half isn't such a long time but when your normal posture ranks somewhere between Kurt Cobain and Quasimodo, sitting in a computer chair for an hour and a half can fuck up an already-fucked up back. Anyway, I digress. On to the topic at hand.

This is one of the coolest/weirdest videos I've seen about atheist campaigning. I'm always glad to see fellow atheists fighting for our constitutional rights against the "moral majority" and I'm always glad to see it done in creative/funny ways. I also enjoyed the tv hosts' faux shock at the idea that atheists actually exist and can afford billboards.

But what the fuck was up with that religious right-winger radio host? "Income tax doesn't not exist just because somebody doesn't believe in it. And the same is true with our creator, god." Um, yeah. That is easily the damn dumbest analogy I've ever heard. Well, dude, I know income tax exists because I can see where the government has taken it from me each paycheck. I can see it and I can feel it. God? Not so much. Maybe if god wants to make his presence known, he should send himself to Earth in the form of tax.

Actually, upon second thought, God and government have a lot in common. Both are primarily concerned with taking money from its people under false pretenses. Both are obsessed with image and concerned with the adherence to arbitrary laws. Both are war-mongering hypocrites. And both get national holidays for their shit.

But I do have to give the random dudes who wrote the Bible god his props for this gem, which is easily my favorite biblical verse:

Proverbs 22:14: "The mouth of strange women is a deep pit." Yes, it is.

Drugs Vs. Drugs

I take Lorazepam, known colloquially as Ativan. I take it because I suffer from anxiety and insomnia and Lorazepam, working as a depressant, calms my happy ass down. I feel groggy and indifferent after a dose and I suppose those reactions make taking the drug a success. I have a prescription for it, therefore it's an "OK" drug.

Anyway, I was inspired to write something on the topic of prescription drugs after hearing the dearly departed Heath Ledger got nominated for a Golden Globe for his kickass performance in "The Dark Knight." Ledger, of course, died in January from a prescription drug overdose. Among the panoply of drugs found in the 28-year-old's system was our good friend Lorazepam. Just for the hell of it, I googled Anna Nicole Smith's death and what do ya know? Lorazepam was also found in her body.

Of course, Heath Ledger and Anna Nicole Smith died from a combination of drugs (and a lot of them), not just from one anti-anxiety pill. But the bigger point here is where do we draw the line between an "OK" drug, like Lorazepam, and a "bad" drug like, oh, heroin? Drug overdose is now the second leading cause of accidental deaths among U.S. adults and obviously, that doesn't just include crack and other "street" drugs.

I'm certainly not implying that we should ban prescription drugs- I, for one, need my Lorazepam and I know others who need their pills, too. I'm actually one of those crazy liberals who say the war on drugs is a joke. I guess the problem I have is with perception. It's like prescription drugs are the "white collar" drugs (re: not that bad) and crack and smack are "inner city" drugs (re: the real problem). It's almost analogous to the dual bailouts: Wall Street/white collar America gets theirs without question while the car companies/blue collar America just gets their asses spanked.

culture

'The Dark Knight' = Best Political Commentary of the Year

The best movie of the year comes out on DVD Tuesday! I'm seriously stoked. I saw "The Dark Knight" twice at the theaters, which is the first time I've seen a movie more than once since "Titanic" in '97 (Hey, I was 12).

Heath Ledger totally rocked it out as the Joker. He was both hilarious and terrifying at the same time and if he doesn't get his posthumous Oscar, I'll...whine right here on my blog. My favorite scenes were the bit with the pencil ("Wanna see a magic trick?" being one of the best set-up lines in a movie ever) and the part when the tractor trailer flips over. It really is a great movie, both for the special effects and the terrorism/political subtext. I can't wait! God, I am such a fangirl. :)