A secular progressive (aka the Devil) holds the following truths to be self-evident.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Is It The Apocalypse Yet?

I almost got excited over the news that Israel is bombing the shit out of Gaza, prompting massive protests in the Muslim world over the 300 or so Palestinians who have died in nonstop rocket attacks since a ceasefire pact expired last week. Now, I don't want you to think I'm a sadist. I'm not. I'm just an atheist who is totally obsessed with the notion of The End.

The nihilist in me is really hoping this is the beginning of Armageddon. Of course, it can't really be the beginning of the end because not all the Jews are back in Israel and Obama hasn't taken office yet (Obama being the anti-Christ; read your Bibles, bitches!). But this is a good start.

I was ready to write a post blasting Israel but since I'm currently doped up on Ativan, I'm feeling vulnerable, indifferent, and slightly gooey at my center. Uh, anyway, I happened to read this lovely article in The Independent defending Israel and now I'm all confused.

There are a few components of this current iteration of the ancient Muslim-Jew blood feud that I'm having problems with. Firstly, *chuckles* literally the first thing the United States said (via our not at all incompetent Secretary of State Condi Rice) after the rockets burst in air was, "We blame the Muslims currently being destroyed by mortar fire for startin' dis shit. Y'all should have known who you be fuckin' with. Jewz 4 Lyfe!"*. That struck even me as heartless and cruel. Apparently the initial round of rocket attacks began in broad daylight, when the Israelis knew damn well there would be civilians and children around. So to turn around and blame these same people for starting the shit in the first place feels a touch insane. That's like blaming Iraqi civilians for goading us into invading their country.

Anyway, the article in The Independent basically breaks down the dichotomy of Israel. Should it exist or not? And if it should, how far should it go to defend itself? Is it a victim? Is it a bully? Blah blah blah. Basically, it's the same debate people have about the United States. It just makes me think that Israel is our total Mini-me. They're our little buddy; the "us" of the Middle East. We both can shoot you the big puppy dog eyes while bombing the shit out of something behind your back. We're two peas in a fucked up pod.

*a Beelzebub original translation

And now for something completely different...Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich appointed a 71-year-old black guy named Roland Burris to fill Obama's vacated Senate seat. The Democratic leadership in Illinois is laughing at Blago and saying there's no fuckin' way they'll confirm this guy. I legitimately cannot believe Blago hasn't stepped down yet. He's like the energizer bunny of bullshit crooks. Maybe it's that hair. Fuck, that's the only way he'll be taken down; we must rip that hell hair off his head, thus rendering his powers useless! I'm also interested to know how much this Burris guy paid for that seat or if he "won" it the old-fashioned way- through smokey backroom quid pro quo wheelin' and dealin'. Anyway, I'm interested to see if the Democrats in Illinois actually do something about Blago or if they pussy out as usual.

All this and it's still 2008! Here's hoping 09 is half as interesting. :)


Ambles said...

two peas in a fucked-up pod. brilliant!

alana said...

I don’t understand why we are so pro Israel. Yes the Jews have been persecuted by…well, pretty much everybody, but I don’t see how that makes their behavior acceptable. You can’t give a group of people a country that already has people living in it and expect it to run smoothly. Freggin tards.

Beelzebub said...

We're pro-Israel because of AIPAC and the nutbag, yet insanely wealthy, Christian Zionists. And you make a great point about the land given to the Jews. It smacks of European colonialism in the "new world." The way they just showed up and said to the natives, "OK, this is our land now. Move or we'll kill you in systematic genocide." I get that land in the Middle East is the Jews' "god-given right" or whatever, but there are other groups who have a right to live there too. Except to us and the Israelis, those other "groups" are just asshole anti-Semitic terrorists. END OF DEBATE. I'm calling bullshit on that.

unokhan said...

having long ago tumbled down the aipac/msm rabbithole, almost nobody in america sees the hidden-in-plain-sight european colonialism inherent in the warm fuzzy beast of zionism. props 2 you, and thanx.

--1k (skipped in from woozie's)

unokhan said...

that syntax sucked dinnit.

Beelzebub said...

Thanks for the props and you're welcome. But I seriously didn't make the connection until I read Alana's comment. I had never really thought about Israel in that context before, which is pretty damn dumb when you consider, like you said, how obvious the similarity is. And your syntax was fine. :)