"My Wit's Diseased"

"This is not about political direction, this is about opening the doors for evil to permeate this nation to its very fiber." Actual comment at http://pmailletblogs.blogspot.com/ about the idea of a Barack Obama presidency. I, like the moron I am, commented on the obvious irony of this post. It was a kneejerk reaction. I feel bad that I may have distracted that poor woman from memorizing biblical passages and crying over the impending destruction of Israel.

When one googles "Obama antichrist," one gets this: "Results 1 - 10 of about 1,170,000 for obama antichrist. (0.18 seconds)". When I typed in "barack obama anti" I got a field of autopopulated results that included: "anti-gun" (495,000 results), "anti-semitic" and "anti-israel" (1,179,000 combined results), "anti-white" (510,000 results), and "anti-america" (1,800,000 results). This isn't surprising, especially considering all the racist shit that went on all over the country right after Obama won. My favorite racist moment:

Second- and third-grade students on a school bus in Rexburg, Idaho, chanted
"assassinate Obama," a district official said.

Ahhhh, gotta love the future of America.

Rural America: Living Up To Stereotypes

This is the state of the state I live in. The state of Maryland theoretically ends at Frederick, which is located roughly at the black line. To the right of that line lies Baltimore and the D.C. suburbs. That's where all the people and wealth in the state are located. That part of the state is overwhelmingly Democratic, which is why Maryland is always a solidly blue state. The Eastern shore and the area to the left of the line are, well, not so Democratic. But because no one really lives there, the Southern sympathies of those areas are easily overriden (praise Jaysus).

Of course, being a denizen of that lovely place I affectionally call "Eastern West Virginia," I get to put up with racist and backwards shit that should have been settled decades ago. Just this year, at a vocational high school near my hometown, a controversy erupted over some white students displaying the Confederate Flag. Yes, the Confederate flag...in Maryland...a state that was a member of the Union, not the Confederacy. Now while most of us consider the Confederate flag to be a symbol of hate and division, others see it as a symbol of pride and unity. The furor from this shit even reached as far as The Washington Post, which painted my hometown as some shithole relic of the Old South (which it both is and isn't, since Maryland isn't the South!). As you can see, it was clearly just the honor students worried about their constitutional rights to free expression and not just idiot neo-Nazis. After all the dust was settled, it was ruled that the racist assholes were allowed to keep displaying their hate flag, for after all, it's their constitutional right.

Now, despite my personal opinions on the Confederate flag, I actually agree with the ruling. Because if I ever got caught burning a U.S. flag (which I've never actually done), I could just point to this event as precident that it's free speech. And then I'd inform all the haters to kiss my blue ass and move to West Virginia (which is a state that seceded from Virginia to be a part of the Union, though don't tell them that. There's plenty of Confederate flags in that state as well).

Fun times in Appalachia.

'The Dark Knight' = Best Political Commentary of the Year

The best movie of the year comes out on DVD Tuesday! I'm seriously stoked. I saw "The Dark Knight" twice at the theaters, which is the first time I've seen a movie more than once since "Titanic" in '97 (Hey, I was 12).

Heath Ledger totally rocked it out as the Joker. He was both hilarious and terrifying at the same time and if he doesn't get his posthumous Oscar, I'll...whine right here on my blog. My favorite scenes were the bit with the pencil ("Wanna see a magic trick?" being one of the best set-up lines in a movie ever) and the part when the tractor trailer flips over. It really is a great movie, both for the special effects and the terrorism/political subtext. I can't wait! God, I am such a fangirl. :)

There's Only One President at a Time

OK, B. We know. You don't have to say it everytime you're on tv or giving one of your youtube speeches. Of course, it'd be great if Bush would abdicate right now. I was thinking that pretty vehemently during that shit in India last week. I can't wait until it's popular, fresh-faced B. Hussein Obama talking down countries rather than flaming asshole hypocrite George Bush. 45 more days! And you know Dude could still invade Iran.

Sort of piggybacking off of yesterday's post, I was conversing recently with a Republican friend of mine who isn't a huge fan of our president-elect. And it suddenly hit me then that now I am able to use all those sore winner phrases on Republicans that they were so fond of four years ago. So I told this friend, "You lost, get over it" and "This is America, love it or leave it." And it was everything I thought it could be. Being a prick is bipartisan, bitch!

Moving on to horrific economic news, the current US unemployment is 6.7% and the big boys predict it could hit as high as 10% by early next year. While this is definitely shitty news, it's not going to get as high as the 25-30% it was at the height of the Great Depression. *whew* For a second, I thought George Bush had turned us into France.

Man, fuck this decade. I prefer to live in the 90s that still exists in my own warped mind. I lionize the 90s the way Republicans masturbate gently over black and white images of the 50s. I loved the 90s: The Secret World of Alex Mac, Clarissa Explains It All, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, My Brother and Me, All That, Ren and Stimpy, Hey Arnold, Beverly Hills 90210 (which totally owned The fucking O.C.). *sighs* Here's a little ode to the 90s:

A Few Phenomena I'll Never Understand

1) Christmas lights

I'll never understand how celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ has turned into this. I'm sure the nexus somehow involves Santa Claus, capitalism and OCD but it's still pretty insane how endemic it's become. The act of putting up Christmas lights usurps celebrating the actual holiday. My family has the same dialogue every Black Friday (after the dawn shopping, of course): "Junk the hay and pumpkins and put up the icicle lights! Get the fake deer that move their heads in the yard, now! Where the fuck is the "Santa Stops Here!" sign? Well, pull the cobbwebs off it and stick it in the yard!" I was driving along Route 40 tonight and saw a house with one of those huge, inflatable, lighted snowglobes and four of those huge, inflatable, lighted snowmen in their yard. It literally blinded me, both by its luminescence and its inanity. I mean, fuck it. If we're going to literally highlight our blatant disregard for energy conservation, I say leave the lights on 24/7, year round. "Yeah, bitches! Oh, Americans use 25% of the world's resources? Wah! Now we use them all!" And then, you know, we all die in a nuclear 9/11. But it'd be funny for a while.

2) George Bush apologists

OK, now I understand that the jury is still out on Bush's standing in the pantheon of U.S. presidents but...aw fuck it, you know he's going to be rated worst! Worst ever! Here's a small list of reasons why:

His handling of 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the economy, the war in Iraq, the purging of U.S. attorneys, appointing an ex-dildo salesman as head of FEMA, shitting on the Constitution, and making "enhanced interrogation" and "rendition" part of common 21st Century parlance.

And yet...there are many who defend this man. There are many who think he will be rated among the best of our leaders. And whenever you attempt to spoil their reverie with a little facts, they get all pissy and claim you're un-American.

It's funny, because I question the patriotism of those who vote Republican. I think George Bush has been a better recruitment tool for al-Qaeda than Osama bin Laden. Yeah, I just fucking said it. A few days after Obama's victory, al-Qaeda released a video tape mocking and denigrating Obama, claiming he was an insult to "honorable" black Americans like Malcolm X. It's clear to me, and many others, that al-Qaeda is shitting in their throbes over Obama's win, partly because he has pledged to remove U.S. troops from Iraq. The number one reason al-Qaeda is able to recruit young men to suicide-kill is because of our sustained presence in the Holy Land. That's what incenses them. And the funny things is, Bush actually removed our troops from Saudi Arabia after 9/11 in what will go down as easily the best move he ever made on foreign policy. But then the moron turned right around and put hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops right back in their faces. A Bush apologist would say, "Yeah, but we haven't been attacked here since 9/11." To which I would respond, "How many people died on 9/11? Around 3,000? How many U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq? 4,209." Declare victory over that, motherfucker.

Get Your Fat Ass Outta My Face

The other day, I found myself in a similar argument with a friend over my smoking:

Friend: But why do you do it?

Me: Because I enjoy it and everyone hates it. You know I'm a contrarian prick.

Friend: But it's disgusting and it kills you.

Me: What doesn't kill you these days?

Then I proceeded to launch into my typical defense of smokers, which invariable involves comparing smoking to eating shit. To wit, there are roughly 400,000 Americans who die of cancer each year and not every single one of them was a smoker. In fact, most of them were probably fatasses who lived off sugar, uncaffeinated coffee, and high fructose corn syrup who passed anti-smoking laws because they worried about the effect of second-hand smoking on their treasured health. Let me repeat that fact: 400,000 Americans die every year of cancer and most of them were not smokers.

Secondly, what pisses me off as a smoker is that we as a society placate, coddle, and pity the fatties. "Oh, wah. I'm 600 pounds and I don't know why God did me like this!" God didn't shove mountains of shit down your throat. God did not invent the Oreo pizza or the deep fryer. And God probably doesn't consider being fat a "curse." Dude used to make shit rain frogs and killed tons of people just to prove a point about his severe jealously. You know, we shouldn't make excuses for these people. Just like me, they have a vice that should be frowned upon. But unlike me, they get Oprah specials and a bizarre outpouring of sympathy. Just because everyone is fat doesn't make it right, mmmkay? Besides, it's funny as hell to watch fat people fall down.

This brings me to the state of Maryland's decision to ban smoking in bars and restaurants a few years ago. OK, right. Because people go to bars and get shitfaced out of concern for their health. People waddle into restaurants to stuff themselves numb at the buffet (with room for desert!) out of concern for their health. If you're going to make it difficult for me to light up without being cited, then you better make it hard for fatties to access their drugs. Ban fatties from fast food joints! Make McDonald's, Burger King, and Little Debbie shell out big like the tobacco companies did in the 90s! Jesus! The hypocrisy here is really astounding.

Anyway, after I went through all that, my friend had to admit I had a point. Fuck yeah I do.

The USA Has Left The Building

Despite the shitty economy, I have a job opportunity lined up. I'm going to be a part-time census taker! Yeah! It's exactly what I went to college for!

Actually, it is. I have a B.S. in political science and now I'll be working for the Man (at least through 2009). All I need to do is pass the introductory test.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the economy in general and like everyone, I'm worried and pissed off and pessimistic. Like a lot of people, I blame Bush and the Republicans for allowing Wall Street to run amok and piss our money and future into the wind. And I know Obama has a mountain of work to do to pull us out of the crater they've left us in. I have no idea how he's going to do it though. The media's acting like if he can just pull off some shit FDR did in 1933 then everything will be fine but they're overlooking a fundamental difference between now and then: almost nothing sold in the U.S. is actually made in the U.S. anymore. We need to get over this notion that the United States can overcome this "hiccup" and be the great superpower again. We've reached an impasse and the world is much different now. Let's just throw China the reigns and be like Europeans, whining and bitching about the evil Chinese empire while doing nothing ourselves. I hope Obama can achieve some stability in our economy but I also hope he's realistic about our deflated place on the world stage.

'Britz' Is Half Good, Half Stereotype

I just got done watching this movie on BBC America called "Britz." It's about a Muslim brother and sister living in the UK and how they deal with the ensuing identity crisis in completely different ways.

The brother, Sahail, becomes a member of Britain's MI5, which is the British CIA. Of course, this invariably involves him spying on his old Muslim friends who are all suspected of being involved in nefarious Muslim-related activities. I thought his episode was by far superior than the sister's because Sahail's character was fleshed out and dynamic. There's a scene where he talks about how much he owes to the UK, his freedom and whatnot, which I found particularly endearing.

The sister (I've forgotten her name) is just a walking cliche. She hates England and goes to Pakistan to train at some al-Qaeda camp and ends up blowing herself up at the base of some iconic London building to mark the sixth anniversary of 9/11. I didn't empathize with the sister at all (although that's to be expected I guess). I thought she was acting like a jaded cry baby (just put on "Nevermind" and smoke weed like everyone else in the West!) and the boilerplate at the end? Bitch, please. You don't want to get me started on the "rationale" for why al-Qaeda blows shit up and kills people (who are mostly Muslim, by the way). And I couldn't shake the absurdity of listening to this clearly British girl speak in a thick British accent while condeming Britain (OK, that italics probably wasn't necessary). I know Europe does immigration differently than we do and, if the facts flashed at the end of the movie are correct, perhaps they should change course.

If you get the chance to see "Britz," just watch the episode with Sahail. His character does more for the image of Muslims in the eyes of us infidels than the sister, who merely encapsulates every stereotype we have of the crazy assholes who blow themselves up out of a sense of exaggerated injustice. And the ending is just pathetic.

Buying History

Over the past few days, the tv has been offering us this commemorative plate noting Barack Obama's victory. The idea that this historic moment in U.S. history would be whored out for cash isn't surprising or even disgusting to me- it's entirely expected. But the fact that the plate was clearly rushed before the final electoral college map was known makes it feel just a touch cheaper.

The next time you see it, note the "final electoral tally" for President-elect Obama. It's 349, not exactly the 365 he ended up with. Dumbasses.

Anyway, the best part of the commercial is the white middle American family expressing their uncontainable glee over Obama's win. They're all huddled, hugging, around their beloved commemorative plate like it's the baby Jesus. I know infomercial acting is always sincere, genuine, and not loud, but this particular commercial gets me everytime. *wipes tear from eye*

Of course I won't be buying this shit. I made a piece of history by voting for Obama, and that shit didn't cost $19.99.

Sarah Palin Won't Go Away

Fresh off her election night ass-handing three weeks ago and her turkey holocaust last week, the Governor of Alaska is exploring her options. She recently spoke (all by herself!) at the Republican Governors Assocation and, you know, gave a fuckload of "exclusive" interviews to every cable station in this great land of ours. But good news for the vp wannabe! Incumbent Republican senator Saxby Chambliss wants her services in Georgia to help him win reelection!

Being insane, Chambliss said he wants her help because she's popular in Georgia. OK, even though she's not anywhere else in the country. In one of the infinite number of irrelevant polls taken on Election Day, one that stuck out in my mind is that a huge number of people in the suburbs think Palin is unqualified for high office. You cannot be a viable politician and be that loathed by the people in the 'burbs (where, you know, there's lot of voters). But, this being the GOP, they don't give a shit about the suburbs and their stinkin' commie politics (and their lots and lots of people). They want the white, dumbass, pointlessly religious, Joe the Plumber demographic to resurrect itself in 2012 behind- yes, you guess it!- Sarah "Africa is a Continent?" Palin! You think destroying John McCain's career and reputation in two short months would have been, you know, an obstacle to ascending in the ranks of the GOP. Nah, not for the Republicans. No, no, no, she gets the "star" treatment. She's the future and by "future," I mean George W. Bush circa 2000.

God, I was really hoping this one would fade into obscurity, like the crying Britney fan. But alas, she appears to have the staying power of "The Evolution of Dance."

Ballot Initiative Madness

Proposition 8 has passed in California. I'm legitimately shocked that it passed because I assumed that most people in that state are members of the gay liberal conspiracy to destroy America. I also didn't anticipate all the religious resistence they'd get to it (not realizing that there's a sizable Mormon population in CA). I suppose I'm guilty of viewing that state through a Berkeley/hippie lens but it's just surprising to me that California -of all states- voted to ban gay marriage. It wasn't surprising at all to me that similar measures passed in Florida and Arizona, because, well, those states suck ass.

But Californians didn't just vote to ban gay marriage; they voted to retroactively take away people's rights. It's totally fucked up and unfair. I'll never understand why religious people are so gay for gay people and why they can't just allow grown-ass adults live their own lives as they see fit. It's almost like Christians aren't happy unless they're demonizing some subgroup of society (which I hear Jesus was all about). But fuck it. All I can say to gay people is keep your chin up. Amendments can be amended; it's happened before when religious freaks got too much influence *cough* PROHIBITION *cough*. Your time will come.

Alan Keyes Is Bitter, Lonely Man

This man, Alan Keyes, carpetbagger, deranged narcissist, former 1996, 2000, and 2008 Republican candidate for president, former Obama rival in the 2004 Illinois Senate race, and author, has filed a lawsuit against Barack Obama and Joe Biden demanding to see evidence that Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. He claims that Obama's short-form birth certificate posted on the president-elect's website isn't good enough.

I'm no legal scholar, OK? But I do know that even if Obama wasn't born in Hawaii (like his goddamn birth certificate states) then he'd still be a legal U.S. citizen.

Peep what I copy and pasted from Wikipedia: "For persons born on or after November 14, 1986, a person is a U.S. citizen if all of the following are true: -One of the person's parents was a U.S. citizen when the person in question was born; -The citizen parent lived at least 5 years in the United States before his or her child's birth; -A minimum of 2 of these 5 years in the United States were after the citizen parent's 14th birthday."

Obama's mother was born in Kansas, right? So he'd get citizenship by virtue of bursting through her Kansan loins. So he meets the criteria, even if Obama's mother flew to Kenya to have him. Yeah, I know it says "For persons born on or after November 14, 1986," but it doesn't matter because Obama was born in fucking Hawaii. I think that's what irks the Republicans so much- that he was born on some sexy Polynesian island and not in the shithole, dime a dozen rural towns most people are (at least most Republicans...and myself, but I'm an anomaly). That and it's just another way he's too "different" to be president.

The Nation's Got The Blues

Drink that shit up. There's a whole lot of fucking blue where there wasn't just four short years ago. How far we've come indeed.

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people commenting on the future of the Republican Party. I love how the media is acting like they'll go in some new, sane, non-Christiany direction. Puh-lease. The religious right is that party's eyewall; the notion that the GOP would drop kick them in favor of "attracting new voters" is ludicrous. The nutbag Christians are the reason the Republicans can always rely on the South to deliver red. And the fact that the brightest "star" in that party right now is Sarah Palin should speak volumes about the "new" direction they plan on going in. Karl Rovism may have failed this year, but like a malicious phoenix rising from the ashes, it'll be back. I'm sure it'll be just more of the insane same from the GOP.

Another Blow For Secular Progressives

Move over, Nevada! We Marylanders voted big to allow slot machines in the state. The ballot initiative allows for up to 15,000 slots in five counties, including the one I live in. I can tell you we need the jobs up here in Bumfuck, irrespective of the impending moral calamity the Christians are predicting.

I really love the Christian argument for why slots are so bad. Because "gambling" is bad. Oh really? Even though the proceeds will go towards funding public education? Oh, yeah. I forgot. They homeschool or put their kids in fortresses away from the progeny of the evil and dreaded secular progressives. And you know these are the same people who play the lotto and hit the bingo halls with the gals every week while not noting the delicious moral hypocrisy of it all.

This reminds me of a conversation Marge Simpson and Maude Flanders had on an old episode of "The Simpsons." It was the one where the hurricane destroys the Flanders' home:

Marge: Well at least your homeowner's insurance will cover the damages.

Maude: Oh, we don't have homeowner's insurance. Neddy considers it a form of gambling.

I never got the joke as a kid but it just keeps getting funnier as I age.

Yes We Fucking Did!

Yeah! Now all you bigots can address this man as President-elect Barack Hussein Obama!

I feel like we finally got one right, after eight straight years of fuck-ups. I'm the happiest I've been at any point in my adult life. I guess you could say, for the first time in my adult life, I'm proud of my country. Hat tip to Michelle Obama and everyone who voted Democrat.

Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Bomb...Syria and Pakistan

Just a quick comment on our "accidental" raid on a Syrian village this week. According to the BBC, a U.S. helicopter raid killed eight people- including four kids- in an eastern region of the country. As you can see, Syria shares a long border with the country we're currently liberating.

The U.S. government has supposedly chastised Syria for not cracking down on the traffic of unidentified people (read: terrorists) across said border, therefore leaving us the only option of attacking their sovereign country. Of course, the U.S. is a pro at cracking down on the traffic of unidentified people crossing our own porous border. Hey, maybe we should invade Syria to show 'em how it's done!

Apparently, we also "accidentally" attacked Pakistan this week, too. We're finding it difficult to keep them dang al-Qaedas in Afghanistan!

I know that invading sovereign nations is soooooo 2003 but can we at least pretend like we give the tiniest of shits about this kind of stuff? Anyone?

Vote Early, Vote Often

Something that has me intrigued is the early voting phenomenon. According to an AP story, more Democrats are casting early ballots than Republicans, even in beet red states like Georgia. This is a reversal of the trend, because usually more GOPers get out the vote early.

31 states allow early voting and, of course, Maryland is not one of them. At least not yet. We have an early voting initiative on our ballot next week that I plan on supporting. I would venture to say most Marylanders want it.

The pros: it stretches out the election period over a few weeks as opposed to a single 12-hour day, thus bringing more people into the system who would otherwise sit it out. Secondly, it makes it goddamn hard for lazy people to make excuses not to vote. And thirdly, it's way more convenient. Hell, I saw the other day on CNN that some district in Nevada has polls set up in a mall! A fucking mall!

Of course, early voting has its nay-sayers, chiefly my own dad. He whines that it'll make it easier to commit fraud. And I'm like, "Dad, people commit fraud anyway. At least early voting makes it harder (or at least more inconvenient) for Republicans to use scare tactics."

Obama Will Destroy Israel, Plumber Predicts

According to America's new sage Joe the Plumber, a vote for Barack Obama equals a vote for the destruction of Israel. John McCain's hero said as much during an impromptu interview with a McCain/Palin supporter at a rally at some redneck locale this week.

At first, I didn't understand why anyone would say such a thing. But after I pondered it for about 10 seconds, it came to me in a flash of divine clarity: "Oh yeah. I forgot. Obama's a Muslim." Jesus Christ. But the really embarassing thing for Mr. Plumber is that Shepherd Smith totally called him out on this shit during an interview on Fox News. Dude, when you have a Fox News commentator calling you a bullshit liar, you should reconsider your tactics.

I'm A Statistic

I lost my job earlier this month, therefore I've joined the ranks of the millions of unemployed. I'm not upset about it at all though; I'm young, unmarried, childless, and don't have any major bills or responsibilities. And I fucking hated that fucking ass, stupid ass job. Goddammit!

It'll be interesting to see how low the economy goes. I'd like to thank George Bush and Congress for fucking up in every area possible over the past eight years. If there is some kind of Lifetime Failure Award, I'd like to personally engrave one for each member of Congress.

Anyway, until I get something else sorted out, I'll be devoting much of my time to blogging, worrying, and generally wasting time. Sounds like a plan!

'Religulous' Is Heavenly

I just have to comment on one of the best movies I've seen this year. Of course, I had to drive two and a half hours to the 'burbs to see "Religulous," because any movie with a hint of controversy is too much for my redneck hometown, but it was worth it for such a piece of cinematic excellence.

Bill Maher is a personal hero of mine and he cements that status with his snarky, smart comments in this movie. I loved it because, like he says repeatedly, he's just asking questions about all the dumb shit religion is predicated on. As an atheist, I appreciated that he wasn't all angry and in people's faces. He just calmly and hilariously broke down the dumbass beliefs that way too many in this world allow to infect their politics and thought processes. I think all too often atheists get a bad wrap for hating religious people but we don't. We just hate the stupid shit they believe. I can't fault people for wanting to believe that their sad little lives will somehow pay off with eternal bliss but at the same time, it's stupid and baseless. And that's the point Mr. Maher was making in "Religuous." Highly recommended.