Fear and Loathing in Bumfuck

"Z is for Zillah, who drank too much gin." - Edward Gorey.

Preface: I'm bored and uninspired at the moment. I was tempted to do a drunk post as an homage to woozie's awesomeness but opted against it for a variety of reasons (re: I fell asleep). Anyway, I woke up with the gin eyes and there's nothing new on the politics front for me to whine about so enjoy the following sober analysis:

You Know You're A (Drunk) Redneck When...

-a trip to Wal-Mart qualifies as Friday night entertainment.

I Know I'm Drunk When...

-I start seriously contemplating Britney Spears' life and career. Like why anyone would allow her to name her album Circus but then feeling sexist for thinking someone else named her album but then considering the notion that Britney Spears understands irony makes me shiver.

-The dimly-lit, maudlin ambiance of a local honky tonk stops bothering me.

-The Taylor Swift emanating from the jukebox stops offending my senses. In fact, it makes me down right giddy to the point I want to dance. And I don't dance.

-I can feel my pulse in my face.

-I lose my "Mid-Atlantic" accent completely in a Larry the Cable Guy-inspired, ear-raping Deep South burr.

I Know It's Time To Leave When...

-I start contemplating my life and career to the point of inebriated psychosis.

-I start theorizing with a complete stranger about the "significance" of the fact I was born on the thirtieth anniversary of James Dean's death and also share a birthday with Truman Capote ("Do you think I'm, like, imbued with cool?").

-The absurdity of the situation comes barreling down on me with the force of Fat Man / I start feeling like I'm in some awful b-movie from the 70s and the credits are about to roll.

-Even though I'm sipping a rum and coke, I can't stop fantasizing about the gallon jug of Club 400 gin my daddy has in the cubbard at home.

-I start yelling non-sequitirs from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas just to weird people out. "You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm sick of listening to this dogshit!" and "Still humping the American Dream, I see..." and "As your attorney, I advise you to slow down..."

-Every sentence begins with "yeah" and a giggle.

"To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer J. Simpson

See You In Hell, George (Plus A Meme!)

George Bush will give his farewell address tonight. Will I watch it? Um, no way. As the devil, I've had his number for years now and am warming a special place for him in Hades right next to my fiery ass. I'm sharpening my pitchfork and readying the other assholes in hell for his arrival.

That and I already know what he's going to say. Something along the lines of: "I'm the bestest president ever cause I dun crusaded agin' them Moose-lims who dun did Nine, One One. The Iraqistanis are liberated now and Afghanisland is Talibani free. I dun came in with a lousy economy and am leavin' y'all with a lousy economy. It ain't my fault. It's Clinton's. Now Laura and me are goin' back to Crawford Dallas to enjoy a kickass retirement. I might write me a autobiography about all the great stuff I dun decided on as president or I might start drinkin' again. Who knows? The world's my oil-ster! Nyuck nyuck! That was a joke! Git it? Jesus loves ya! Buh-bye, Bush 43."

And now for a meme. Like Can I just Say, I am far too cool to own an ipod so I had to settle with shuffling my iTunes. I'm sure you were worried about that. :)

Rules​

1. Put your iPod/​iTune​s on shuff​le.​

2. For each quest​ion,​ press​ the next butto​n to get your answe​r.

3. YOU MUST WRITE​ THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTE​R HOW SILLY​ IT SOUND​S!​

4. Tag 3 people to complete this!

IF SOMEO​NE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY"​ YOU SAY?
"Is She Weird"- Pixies

WHAT WOULD​ BEST DESCR​IBE YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​
"Take A Bow"- Madonna (Yes! I am the coolest person in Appalachia, so you better bow down to the queen. Recognize, fool!)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/​GIRL?​
"Satin in a Coffin"- Modest Mouse

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'​S PURPO​SE?
"Raw Power"- The Stooges

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO​?​
"Violet"- Hole ("and the sky was all violet / I want again but violent more violent" Yes!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIEN​DS THINK​ OF YOU?
"The First Taste"- Fiona Apple

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ ABOUT​ VERY OFTEN​?​
"Rape Me"- Nirvana (not very often, I swear)

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR BEST FRIEN​D?​
"Tromple le Monde"- Pixies

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"Blue Jean"- David Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY​?​
"Gutless"- Hole (that's actually pretty accurate)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"700 Mile Situation"- Res

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"O'Sailor"- Fiona Apple ("oh sailor why you'd do it / what'd you do that for")

WHAT DO YOUR PAREN​TS THINK​ OF YOU?
"Monkey Gone To Heaven"- Pixies ("if man is five, if man is five, if man is five / then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six" Cute.)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE​ TO AT YOUR WEDDI​NG?​
"My Prerogative"- Britney Spears

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNER​AL?​
"Rabbit Fur Coat"- Jenny Lewis (the COOLEST song in my catalogue)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGE​ST SECRE​T?​
"Spanish Caravan"- The Doors

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR FRIEN​DS?​
"Goodbye Blue Sky"- Pink Floyd

WHAT'​S THE WORST​ THING​ THAT COULD​ HAPPE​N?​
"About A Girl"- Nirvana ("I take advantage while / you hang me out to dry / but I can't see you every night for free")

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Intimate Secretary"- The Ranconteurs

WHAT IS ONE THING​ YOU REGRE​T?​
"Me Against The Music"- Britney Spears feat. Madonna

WHAT MAKES​ YOU LAUGH​?​
"Allison"- Pixies

WHAT MAKES​ YOU CRY?
"Store Bought Bones"- The Ranconteurs

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRI​ED?​
"Erotica"- Madonna (haha)

DOES ANYON​E LIKE YOU?
"Extraordinary Machine"- Fiona Apple (A girl can hope)

IF YOU COULD​ GO BACK IN TIME,​ WHAT WOULD​ YOU CHANG​E?​
"Melt Your Heart"- Jenny Lewis

WHAT HURTS​ RIGHT​ NOW?
"Sunshowers"- M.I.A. ("you wanna go? / you wanna win a war? / Like PLO, I don't surrendo" That's a little topical and odd.)

And I tag alana, haworth, and ambles. C'mon. You know you wanna waste time on this shit. ;)

New Year, (Mostly) Same Old Shit

I managed to survive my gin and juice-fueled evening to see the dawning of 2009. I've been awake since 3:47am humming the hypnotic chorus of the eponymous Snoop Dogg song: Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on gin and juice. Yes, I am really, painfully white.

Anyway, I awoke to more than just a headache and a belly full of liquor. Turns out some actual shit has gone down since I passed out last night. First and foremost, today was declared "Sovereignty Day" in Iraq because the U.S. symbolically returned control of the lauded Green Zone over to the Iraqis. The area gets a lot of press because it's the center of the international coalition U.S. presence in Baghdad and supposedly the safest place in Iraq, even though we've heard about tons of suicide bombings going off in it for years. The area is home to our embassy there as well as Saddam's palace, which I saw the inside of when Kathy Griffin toured it on an episode of "My Life on the D-List." And goddamit! I just realized I slept through her New Year's coverage with Anderson Cooper! Shit. Still, this is one of the few "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. If, you know, there are any "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. Accompanying the article I read, there was this poignant image of soldiers hoisting an Iraqi flag up a pole but I thought the Chucky image was funnier.

And in Minnesota, the state supreme court has rejected incumbent Republican Norm Colemen's claims that some of Al Franken's votes were counted twice. Lest you think this shit is over and done with, this ruling just opens the door for lawsuit upon lawsuit. I suspect litigation to be filed by each candidate, party, innocent bystander, and Elian Gonzales. It's not damn likely there will be a winner declared before January 6th, when Congress reconvenes, and it's looking increasingly dim that there will be a winner before January 20th, when the new Congress is sworn in. I say great. As the Devil, I heart Murphy's Law and governmental incompetence. Whoo hoo!

I'm actually looking forward to this new year and hope that B. Hussein Obama (as my Republican friends refer to him) and the Republican-lite new Congress can get to cleanin' up this clusterfuck of a shitfest George The Baptist has left us mired in. Personally, I have a lot of options and my one and only resolution for 09 is to be less of a crybaby bitch. :)

Top Ten Best Things About 2008 (10-5)

OK, so I've noticed the tone of my previous posts is dark, bitter, bitchy, and depressing. I'm going to attempt to stay on the light side with this one and countdown the 10 best things of the year in my not-so-humble opinion. 10-5:

10) Bush's last year!

9) Obama surprises everyone by winning the Iowa caucuses, proves the Internet isn't just for porn addicts and fat virgin bloggers.

8) "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. goes Top Ten (I adore her because she makes real, weird music), upsetting the natural order of popular music being shit.

7) Barriers Are Broken- from Clinton and Obama to (yes, even) Sarah Palin, 2008 was a serious year for civil rights.

6) "The Dark Knight" proves all the good movies weren't just made in the 30s.

5) Sarah Palin keeps talking, proving with every word how incompetent she is.

2004- Helluva Year

******October 25, 2008- I managed to locate a few entries from a blog I had in 2004, so I've decided to consolidate them here into my new one. I completely forgot about it and reading the entries is like going through a scrapbook. I realize I'm much more mature now. And by "mature," I mean older and meaner.************************

I think this year's been quite productive. We had a presidential election which saw the reelection of one of the most polarizing presidents in history, a congressional election that gave Republicans a stronger hold in Congress, a bunch of movies, both crappy and phenomenal, and a resurgence in old-school rock. These are, in my opinion, the best things of this past year:

- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Garden State and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Best movies of the year, by far.

- Jon Stewart's America: The Book. The best book of the year, by far.

- The election. Even though my guy lost (well, my guys- my party got its ass kicked), it was cool to vote in my first ever election.

- Hot Fuss by The Killers, the Garden State soundtrack, Franz Ferdinand and Good News for People Who Love Back News by Modest Mouse are the best albums of this year. Period.

I will be spending the terminus of this year in London, England and am very excited about it. Here's to 2005!