I'm Not A Cynic, I'm Just A Realist

Well, today was an interesting day. I woke up to find General Motors had filed for Chapter 11, so now the failed auto company is basically owned by the U.S. government. Obama and his economic people plan to make the company viable again but in the immortal words of Bill Maher, "presidents aren't magicians, not even Chocolate Jesus." (hehe) I'd hate to see the U.S. auto industry go down- this depression has lasted long enough- but I drive a Toyota with a 10-year/100,000 mile warranty. I won't be shedding any tears if the Hummer gets discontinued. Or the Yukon. Or any of the other expensive, inefficient, shitty SUVs that ran the company into the ground in the first place. GMC is just another relic of the fading American Empire that was crushed by its own avarice and excess. Having the government take it over for a while is what it deserves.

My other favorite story today was that the Taliban kidnapped, like, hundreds of kids in Pakistan. Which is impressive and horrifying, when you consider the Taliban have been annexing large tracts of land over the past few weeks and are a mere 60 miles from the Pakistani capital of Islamabad, which is where they happen to house the nuclear weapons that country possesses. OK, I thought the Taliban were soooo 2001. I thought al-Qaeda, swine flu, and Susan Boyle were the big foreign invaders we had to fear now. Oh yeah, then there's North Korea testing a-bombs and shitting all over ceasefire treaties. So thanks, Bush, for being too morally upstandin' to negotiate with terrorists. But hey, at least they haven't followed us home. Of course, they won't need to since most nukes are remote controlled.

All this and it's only June 1st.

The Bitch Is Back

Yeah, it's been a while. I actually tried my hand at Twitter for half a minute, just to see if its 140-character limit could more acutely hold my attention span, but it wasn't meant to e-be. I found myself yearning for the bad old days (re: a few months ago) when I wasted all my time on ye olde Common Nonsense. And now I have RETURNED!! *maniacal laughter*

Just wanted to comment on a few stories/events from the past few weeks:

1) Miss California. It never ceases to astound me how much emphasis we place on the opinions of random dumbasses. Whether it's Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, or Rush Limbaugh, we're always clamoring to dissect, debate, dismiss or deify the utterly inane comments of the utterly idiotic.

2) The Gay Marriage Wave In New England (And Fuckin' Iowa). This is something that totally caught me off guard in a completely terrific way. Who would have thought that the same state that launched Mike Huckabee into the national spotlight would have legalized gay marriage before California? Or New York? Or my home state of Maryland? We got some work to do to regain our commie crowns, *AHEM*

3) The Tea Parties of Last Month. Apparently nothing bothers Republicans more than the Democrats doing exactly what they do- namely spending shitloads of federal money. I was both amused and nonplussed while watching the Fox News coverage of the "tea party" protests of last month. While touted as a "non-partisan" event by proponents, I couldn't help but notice the crowds looked very white and very middle-aged. Favorite sign I spotted: "Obama bin-Lyin." Good to know the Republican Party is attempting to foster a new post-racial image to capture the hearts and minds of a new generation of voters. That sign is almost as good as when people were screaming "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" at McCain/Palin rallies last year. Almost.

4) Mark Your Calendars! A New Supreme Court Shitfight Is Afoot! Oh come on. Who isn't looking forward to this?! I always love the abortion litmus test that no one every really says is about abortion but we all know is about abortion. And just because I'm sexist, racist and a heterophobe, I hope Obama puts a black or Latina lesbian on the court. Nah seriously, it's about goddamn time the Democrats get to put a dude or chick on the Court after two George W. Bush apointees. Not that the Supreme Court should be politicized...that would be WRONG. ;)

10 Out Of 10 Historians Agree: Bush Sucked Ass

Historians recently released their rankings of our past 42 presidents and ole Abe Lincoln comes in at numero uno. James Buchanan, Lincoln's predecessor and the man who allowed the country to slip into the Civil War (and also our only bachelor president), comes in last. But who cares!

The best part of this new poll is where our favorite retarded president ranks. George W. Bush comes in at 36th; 36 of 42. I loves it. He ranked 41 out of 42 in international relations and 40 out of 42 in economic management. The Decider received his highest ranking- 24th - in "pursuing equal justice for all." Uh, yeah. Other than Gitmo and the Patriot Act and the Iraq war, I guess that could possibly be true. Possibly. Of course, 24/42 is an F, so it doesn't bother me.

I, of course, think Bush is our worst president ever but I'm content with his 36th place. Hopefully he'll continue to slide down the rankings as history continues to reveal what a breathtaking failure he was. Interestingly, Slick Willy rose from 21st place to 15th; it's nice to see how history and its judges have matured over the past ten years. And I say "matured" because I'm sure Monica was responsible for Clinton's lower initial ranking. Way to go, history nerds!

The Adorable First Obama 'Controversy'

How cute is the Tom Daschle story? He didn't pay his taxes. Awwww! How fuckin' quaint is that given all we just lived through under Bush? It's almost sweet. And the fact that he stepped aside willingly is almost noble. But of course, the right wing is freakin' out. I overheard my mother watching The View this morning and Elizabeth Hasselbeck was all pissed. And then one of the other women said, "But at least Obama admitted he was wrong. Bush said he never made one mistake the entire eight years he was president." Right on, sistah!

I really think the fact that Obama admitted his bad here is refreshing. He's self-aware- a quality George Bush is sorely lacking. Maybe he will admit he fucked up in his memoir no publisher wants to promote, but I doubt it. It's hard for me to get pissed over such a pseudo-controversy, a quasi-non-issue. The fact that it's been resolved takes all of the little wind out of its sails, in my not so humble opinion. I can't wait to see what other kind of adorable shit Obama's peeps get into over the next four years.

Schadenfreude Is Where It's At

I hate to break it to y'all, but I'm still ridin' a slight Obamahigh. Ye olde rage well is runnin' a touch dry and whatnot. I am a bit miffed that he's yet to get a stimulus package through Congress (I seem to recall he told us he wanted to sign said lauded stimulus package into action on Day One) but I understand he's up against a mighty bureaucracy and there's still tons of pork shit to be hammered out, so I'm still willing to cut him some slack. At least until Black History Month. Then it's gonna be on like white on rice. I'm also officially going to hold Obama accountable if I don't get this government job I got lined up. So be prepared for a wall of bitchy shit to come down if I'm still unemployed this time next month.

But leave it to the bitter, insane right wing whiney assholes to jump all over Obama like a Kleenex at a snot party mere hours after he stumbled through the oath. Rush Limbaugh said, on inauguration day, "I hope he fails."

I hope you're happy with that quote. I had to travel to Rush Limbaugh's website to retrieve it and now I feel filthier than a Vegas whore. Clearly, this is the most outrageously unpatriotic thing any whiney little asshole could say, even one as whiney as Limbaugh. When you say you want the president to fail, you're saying you want this country to fail. Wanting America to fail = John Walker Lindh territory. God, it felt way too good to compare Rush Limbaugh to a member of the Taliban. But it's true. Look, if any person said those exact four words about George Bush this month six years ago- in the lead up to the Iraq invasion- Rush would have had no problem throwin' around the "you're a terrorist and want bin Laden's America-hatin' babies" routine. So consider it a dose of your own McCarthyite Oxycotin-laden medicine, Rush. You whiney little bitch.

But honestly, that statement didn't and doesn't really bother me. That's because for the past week, I've felt like Cartman at the end of that South Park episode where he makes that kid Scott Tenorman eat his parents (Cartman grinds his parents into a chili; it's actually really funny). When the kid realizes that he's just eaten his parents, Cartman says, "Oh, god, I love your tears, Scott. Please, let me taste your tears."

That's how I feel and it's great. Picture Scott Tenorman as Rush Limbaugh and me as Cartman and you've approximated my almost orgasmic ebullience over the past week at the Fox New brigade's hate-flavored tears. It's a blast to finally be able to throw their own shit right back in their faces. Don't support Bush Obama? Then you might as well be pissin' all over the hole in the ground at Ground Zero, hippie. Then you want the terrorists to win, commie. You're either with us or against us, Frenchie.

This is America. Love it or leave it, bitches.

Godspeed, You Black Emperor

Dear President Obama,

First of all, great speech. You made me tear up again. And thank you for giving us non-believers a shout out. That was unexpected, given all the god shit goin' down on the dais. I did chuckle a bit when you stumbled over the oath of office (that prick John Roberts; he has one job to do and fucks it up!) but it made you human. And I was very glad to hear you, Senator Feinstein, and even Rick Warren kick dirt in George Bush's eye right in front of his face. That made me smile, too, even though I was rollin' my eyes during Warren's Jesus shit. And how great is it to officially say, "Former president George W. Bush." Former. As in the past.

I didn't get the poet but I hate poetry that doesn't rhyme. If she had written that poem in Seussical fashion, I would have loved it. I did like the black preacher, though, cause his shit rhymed. Talk about loling! Brown is indeed stickin' around!

I was a bit disappointed that you didn't sprout horns and start eatin' people's faces after taking the oath, but I guess you can't be all things to all people. You did look very presidential, downright majestic and regal at times, and you'll look great in your White House portrait. And the girls looked freakin' adorable, as usual. I hate kids but I love your girls.

In short, you are a rockstar and the world is at your feet. Now for god's sake, don't fuck it up or get shot. Please.

Yours in christ, always,
Beelzebub

Regime Change

The cost of the Iraq War: $589,505,206,491 / 100,000+ dead bodies

U.S. budget deficit: $1 trillion

The cost of corporate welfare ('08 only): $700 billion

The decline and fall of the American Empire?: Priceless

There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterRetard.

"Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almighty, we are free at last!"- Dr. King.

More Crap In My Eye

The plan. I was tempted to give this one its very own post but it isn't worth it. Mother Dearest has been on me to come up with a "plan" for my life. I'm all like, "But I did the plan. The plan was college. My high school guidance counselor told me if I went to college, all the doors in the world would open up to me, flowers would bloom in the desert, Muslims and Jews would get it on, and my life would resemble a trendy sitcom about Modern Woman if I got a framed piece of paper with my full name on it. I did the plan. THE PLAN FAILED." I guess what she really means is that she wants me to solve this historic global economic crisis all by my lonesome in between blog posts and gin shots. "Well, you have to get a job," she bitches. Right. Because I haven't ever tried looking for a job. I'm waiting for one to knock on my bedroom door, take me by the hand, and introduce me to his (or her) HMO and 401k. Here's the rub, Ma: We're. In. A. Depression. No. One. Hires. In. A. Depression. Speaking of declaring the obvious...

Generation Y Job-Seekers Hit Hard. That's an actual article title on MSN. One, two, three: NO FUCKIN' SHIT! I really should quit reading MSN. It always pisses me off.

Automatic things. Everything is automated. Think about it. Doors, sinks, toilets, hand dryers, "people movers" (or as I call them, "flat escalators"). I was in a mall bathroom the other day (not soliciting a handjob, Senator Craig) and all of a sudden, I felt like I was living in a lame episode of The Jetsons. If, you know, people in the 60s thought automatic sinks were blazing new technology. The philosophy behind this shit is astounding. Automatic bathrooms? Well, we're saving trees by not wasting as much TP and paper towels. Wow, except for every piece of already recycled paper towel you save from being recycled again, you've wasted more than that in electricity to run this Lay-Z-Boy bathroom! You, sir, are a tool.

I, and you, are capable of touching things and wiping our own hands with paper towels. Allah gave us manual dexterity and opposable thumbs for a reason. Not to wave them under literally stupid computer chips that don't always detect our presence all in some vein attempt at eco-conscientiousness. Besides, every time I approach an automatic door, I get that Simpsons episode in my head where Bart sells his soul to Milhouse for a comic or something and all of a sudden he cannot walk through an automatic door because he lacks a soul. I have a mild panic attack every time I see an automatic door, knowing if it doesn't open, I'm most certainly soulless. Which leads me to my next beef...

I am the living embodiment of entropy. Entropy is the second law of thermodynamics that states the universe tends towards chaos and decay. I am that principle in action. More on that later.

The plane that crashed in New York yesterday. It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, it's a bird in a plane! I am legitimately relieved to hear there were no causalities, but come on! How insane is it that a plane crashes in New York on the very same day George Bush gives his farewell address on keeping us safe! Well apparently, he should have declared a War on Ducks because those fuckers almost killed 155 people yesterday. Or a War on Human Error. Remember the plane that crashed in Queens on November 12, 2001, killing 265? No you don't! Because it crashed from run of the mill, and way unsexy, piloting error. Certainly nothing to steamroll the Middle East over.

I don't believe in fate but if there is a god, he has a cruel sense of irony. I like that!

See You In Hell, George (Plus A Meme!)

George Bush will give his farewell address tonight. Will I watch it? Um, no way. As the devil, I've had his number for years now and am warming a special place for him in Hades right next to my fiery ass. I'm sharpening my pitchfork and readying the other assholes in hell for his arrival.

That and I already know what he's going to say. Something along the lines of: "I'm the bestest president ever cause I dun crusaded agin' them Moose-lims who dun did Nine, One One. The Iraqistanis are liberated now and Afghanisland is Talibani free. I dun came in with a lousy economy and am leavin' y'all with a lousy economy. It ain't my fault. It's Clinton's. Now Laura and me are goin' back to Crawford Dallas to enjoy a kickass retirement. I might write me a autobiography about all the great stuff I dun decided on as president or I might start drinkin' again. Who knows? The world's my oil-ster! Nyuck nyuck! That was a joke! Git it? Jesus loves ya! Buh-bye, Bush 43."

And now for a meme. Like Can I just Say, I am far too cool to own an ipod so I had to settle with shuffling my iTunes. I'm sure you were worried about that. :)

Rules​

1. Put your iPod/​iTune​s on shuff​le.​

2. For each quest​ion,​ press​ the next butto​n to get your answe​r.

3. YOU MUST WRITE​ THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTE​R HOW SILLY​ IT SOUND​S!​

4. Tag 3 people to complete this!

IF SOMEO​NE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY"​ YOU SAY?
"Is She Weird"- Pixies

WHAT WOULD​ BEST DESCR​IBE YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​
"Take A Bow"- Madonna (Yes! I am the coolest person in Appalachia, so you better bow down to the queen. Recognize, fool!)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/​GIRL?​
"Satin in a Coffin"- Modest Mouse

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'​S PURPO​SE?
"Raw Power"- The Stooges

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO​?​
"Violet"- Hole ("and the sky was all violet / I want again but violent more violent" Yes!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIEN​DS THINK​ OF YOU?
"The First Taste"- Fiona Apple

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ ABOUT​ VERY OFTEN​?​
"Rape Me"- Nirvana (not very often, I swear)

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR BEST FRIEN​D?​
"Tromple le Monde"- Pixies

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"Blue Jean"- David Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY​?​
"Gutless"- Hole (that's actually pretty accurate)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"700 Mile Situation"- Res

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"O'Sailor"- Fiona Apple ("oh sailor why you'd do it / what'd you do that for")

WHAT DO YOUR PAREN​TS THINK​ OF YOU?
"Monkey Gone To Heaven"- Pixies ("if man is five, if man is five, if man is five / then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six" Cute.)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE​ TO AT YOUR WEDDI​NG?​
"My Prerogative"- Britney Spears

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNER​AL?​
"Rabbit Fur Coat"- Jenny Lewis (the COOLEST song in my catalogue)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGE​ST SECRE​T?​
"Spanish Caravan"- The Doors

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR FRIEN​DS?​
"Goodbye Blue Sky"- Pink Floyd

WHAT'​S THE WORST​ THING​ THAT COULD​ HAPPE​N?​
"About A Girl"- Nirvana ("I take advantage while / you hang me out to dry / but I can't see you every night for free")

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Intimate Secretary"- The Ranconteurs

WHAT IS ONE THING​ YOU REGRE​T?​
"Me Against The Music"- Britney Spears feat. Madonna

WHAT MAKES​ YOU LAUGH​?​
"Allison"- Pixies

WHAT MAKES​ YOU CRY?
"Store Bought Bones"- The Ranconteurs

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRI​ED?​
"Erotica"- Madonna (haha)

DOES ANYON​E LIKE YOU?
"Extraordinary Machine"- Fiona Apple (A girl can hope)

IF YOU COULD​ GO BACK IN TIME,​ WHAT WOULD​ YOU CHANG​E?​
"Melt Your Heart"- Jenny Lewis

WHAT HURTS​ RIGHT​ NOW?
"Sunshowers"- M.I.A. ("you wanna go? / you wanna win a war? / Like PLO, I don't surrendo" That's a little topical and odd.)

And I tag alana, haworth, and ambles. C'mon. You know you wanna waste time on this shit. ;)

Spin Cycle and Fake Dog Balls

Bush and Cheney are on a media blitz to try and convince us the past eight years were awesome and/or that Bush is some unrecognized genius that only time can vindicate. Sort of like Vincent Van Gogh, if, you know, Van Gogh were a retard who sucked at life. The whole gang have been real busy beavers these past few weeks lying and attempting to rewrite history. Dick Cheney actually said, "[The administration] didn't base going after Saddam Hussein on any connection with 9/11." Wow. Now see, I seem to recall the exact opposite that but I do have the memory of a pot smoker so this ain't cool, Dick! Don't fuck with my head like this! It's amazing that the lead up to the invasion was just six short years ago and they actually think they can make up bullshit about something that just happened and we all just lived through. God, make shit up about the War of 1812 or the Norman Conquest! How the hell would we know?

Karl Rove recently pulled the Bullshit Express into the Bill O'Reilly show to make shit up about Bush's apparently sweet legacy, but also to make shit up about the liberal media cabal to elect Obama (because they overstated the Depression we're currently in) and implying that if we get another 9/11, it'll be Obama's fault for being a pussy liberal.

I love how people say that Karl Rove is a genius for orchestrating George Bush's "wins" in 2000 and 2004. He's not a genius; he just stole his playbook from some 16-year-old gossipy bitch. John McCain has an adopted daughter from Cambodia? Not anymore! She's now an illegitimate black kid he had out of wedlock. That'll really rile some feathers among the Klan crowd in South Carolina. John McCain spent five years in a VietCong prison camp where he was horribly tortured? Well then he's clearly too crazy to be president. John Kerry is also a Vietnam War hero? No problem! We'll spread malicious lies that he overstated his war achievements by trotting out and paying some dudes who look like veterans to say he's full of shit. Nevermind the fact that Bush and Cheney were too craven to actually fight in Vietnam themselves. But hey, they had better things to do. Fuck you, Vietnam War! Obama is massively popular around the world? Piece of fuckin' cake! We'll just compare him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, thereby implying that his popularity is media-orchestrated and he's a braindead whore.

Karl Rove is not a genius. He's Perez Hilton without the sense of humor. This man, on the other hand, makes Einstein look like Special Ed:

Neuticals go for $85 for the original, $189 for the natural, and $349 for the ultra-plus. According to the genius himself, pets in all fifty states and 47 countries have reaped the benefits of ball implants to stem the tide of their denuting depression. Reach for the stars, kids! Anything is possible in this land of milk, honey, lies, and fake dog balls.

Cletus Says: Bush Isn't Totally Incompetent

This morning started off like many before it. I awoke after five hours of restless sleep pissed off, groggy, and in dire need of a bigass pot of coffee. But there was one slight difference: I happen to awaken in the Fox News Twilight Zone Where America Is Awesome All The Time. The front page of my hometown newspaper has a photo of an African woman and the following article summary: "Aid worker Sweetness Mzolisa poses at the Nocingile day care center in Khayelitsha, South Africa. From a windowless shed, Mzolisa leads a chorus of praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush." At first I thought I was hallucinating; after all, I didn't fall asleep until damn near 5 am today and once I did, I had a succession of horrifying nightmares involving the Twin Towers, dead fish, The Joker, and blogging (fuck!). But no, my hometown paper actually has the words, "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush," written in one non-ironic sentence.

I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).

Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.

E Pluribus Dumb

I have a hate/hate relationship with my fellow Americans. They're wrong on every single crucial issue: George Bush, Republicans, gay marriage, Jesus, evolution, climate change, international relations (*cough* Israel *cough*), guns, drugs, and Sanjaya Malakar. Just when I was ready to take up and move to China, they elect Obama and a Democratic Congress and I rethink my utter antipathy toward them. On November 4th and 5th, I really felt like we were the movie monster who redeemed himself at the end of the movie when we decided to quit cracking skulls and use our powers for good. As I was celebrating Obama's victory with a trip to a classy titty bar in Asscrack, West Virginia (not to be confused with Bumfuck, Maryland, where I live) the weekend after, I drunkenly declared, "We're back, bitches!" I was so happy, and not just because it was midget stripper night.

Invariably, my hopes and happiness get dashed quicker than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt (man, I gotta quit with these shitty analogies). Barely a week after Obama's election, there were stories of crosses being burned into the lawns of black Obama supporters in Georgia, nooses being hanged, Hitler-worshipping white supremacists being arrested for saying they were going to go on a cross country black killing spree that would end with the coup de grace- a dead Obama, and my personal favorite, "second graders on a bus in Idaho chanting, 'Assassinate Obama'." And this is just after the election; all year, we had to deal with charges that Obama was Muslim, Arab, a Black Panther, a communist, has terrorist buddies, and, of course, that he's the anti-Christ. Even John McCain himself had to talk down a racist asshole when she said something like, "I don't want Obama to be president because he's an Arab."

Today, my beef is a little less serious but illustrates why I have to hang my head and sigh when admitting my nationality. The second most popular story on MSN, after an article on tonight's full moon, is "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" This story is more popular than the escalating shitfight in Gaza, the 7.2% unemployment rate, the 2.8 million jobs lost in 2008, Bush's request for more bailout money, the disastrous week on Wall Street, and our general slide into hell and chaos. "Makeover! From frumpy to foxy!" I can't think of anything more critical to our survival. I'm surprised Oprah's admission that she was depressed last year didn't crack the top five.

It reminds me of something Jon Stewart said in '04 about the coverage of the Iraq war. "As CNN was showing the rotting corpses of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the news ticker across the bottom said, 'Beyonce doesn't like the word bootylicious.'" But then again, Stewart and I are pretentious liberals who denigrate the "average Joe the plumber" with our "intellectual pride" (what's that about?) and holier than thou humor. Oh Sarah. Thank Jebus you haven't gone away. The idiots need you.

The Audacity of Audacity

Well, it's day eleven of Israel doing it's defendin' thang against them asshole idiot goat-fuckin' terrorists in Gaza, in case you haven't been keeping score. Or watching TV. Or surfing the Internet. So the Israelis attacked a school yesterday, killing 39 civilians. Big deal. That's where Hamas was hiding! Oh wait, no Palestinian militants were killed in that school attack? Well, *huffs* well, I heard that they were shooting at armed forces in the Israeli military! I mean, when armed forces in the military are shot at, you're supposed to respond by killing children! Israel has lost ten whole people since this started. Ten! Oh, there's been 670 Palestinian causalities? Dayum.

Yeah, I'm not sure how much longer our idiotic defense of Israel's actions can last given these incredibly lopsided numbers. It's getting more psychotic by the day to hear Israel whine about being a victim of periodic Hamas rocket attacks in civilian areas when they're the ones doing the constant rocketin' into schools and hospitals now.

But I happen to read something the other day that totally incensed me, and also offended and bemused me. I spent a while on the Jerusalem Post website in an attempt to stay fair and balanced like Bill O'Reilly when I came across an op-ed written by woman who actually insinuated that because Barack Obama hasn't said much on this conflict, it could force Israel to act hastily before Bush leaves to get what they want because Bush is Jew-friendly. Maybe I'm too outraged to get her true meaning, but I sincerely believe she is trying to blame some of their actions on Barack Obama's silence on this conflict. Barack Obama. The man who, in 13 days will become U.S. president. Not Israel's. God, what a Republican way to argue something! 9/11 is Bill Clinton's fault, even though G-Dub was in office at the time, and now this shit is Obama's fault when he's not even in a position to do anything about it yet! The woman said he should come out screaming in support of Israel and reaffirm America and Israel's special relationship. Bitch, we have one special relationship and it's with our mama England. Take a number.

And lest you think it's just Jews who are batshit nuts and blaming Obama for this current mess, today al-Qaeda number two Ayman al-Zawahiri said, and this is a direct fucking quote, "This is Obama whom the American machine of lies tried to portray as the rescuer who will change the policy of America. He kills your brothers and sisters in Gaza mercilessly and without affection." I've reread this sentence several times and I think I've succeeded in giving myself a slight stroke. I thought Obama was in D.C. working on the stimulus package; I didn't realize he was personally mowing down children in Gaza, and without affection no less! You think Perez Hilton would have posted a picture of that by now, maybe with a little cum dribbling down Obama's chin as he bayonets a small Muslim child. Of course, this is the same al-Zawahiri who called Obama a "house negro" or something to that effect after his victory in November and said he was a disgrace to "honorable" black Americans like Malcolm X. But it sounds nutty, even for a group as apeshit as al-Qaeda.

This day in history: Twenty nine years ago, Jimmy Carter gave $1.5 billion in loans to Chrysler, which the company was able to pay off in three years with the help of Lee Iacocca and his glorious, groundbreaking, genius mini-van concept. -Do you hear the choir of angels?- The mini-van would become a revolution in the auto industry and provide suburban soccer moms with a larger, 80s version of the station wagon that's still annoyingly cliche well into the 21st Century. That Iacocca prick's still alive, so they should dust him off and install him back as CEO. All he has to do is reinvent the wheel to save the American auto industry. And by "reinvent the wheel," I mean rip off those fuckin' Japs he so loathes.

Don't Imitate The Jews

I only read the op-ed section of my hometown paper when I'm bored or feel like insulting my intelligence. It's always filled with the paranoid, ill-informed rantings of the paranoid, ill-informed hicks who populate the tri-state area around my confused little town. I just happened to peruse this particular section today, and was greated by an article titled "Don't Imitate the Europeans." The author took issue with a previous op-ed written from the standpoint of a secularist (yeah, I'm not the only one in Appalachia) and conveniently, for my mocking pleasure, numbered her points.

The article kicks off thusly:

"1. That government’s “task” is to provide that “individual believers holding diverse convictions may challenge one another without ... interference.” Untrue. The First Amendment provides that government will not prefer one religion over another; and it forbids one’s harassment of another."

OK, the first part of your rebuttal is true and the second part is not. It's not true because you're using a red herring. What the first author wrote was that we may challenge each other's religions without interference, which is absolutely legal and a right recognized in any free society. We're discouraged from harassing people about it and it's illegal to discriminate others on the basis of their religion or lack of religion. Maybe you should remember that last part.

2. "That '(t)he greater the distance between church and state ... , the greater our religious liberty.' False. Complete neutrality, or absence of religious involvement in government affairs and vice versa, is termed “laicite.” It is the political system of secularism, which suppresses expression of religious belief in public and oppresses those who do it. By definition, religious freedom is “the freedom of an individual or community, in public or private, to manifest religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance” (source: Wikipedia)."

False false. You make the typical Republican logical fallacy of characterizing secularism as an organized political movement as opposed to a philosophy. The First Amendment protects against what you're freaking out about and banning religious practices or customs could never legally happen here, provided the First Amendment can survive the last 14 days of the Bush presidency.

"A leading secular state is France, where in 2004, religious symbols were banned in public schools. President Nicolas Sarkozy criticizes this type of “negative laicite;” and he intends to develop a “positive laicite,” which, as noted at Wikipedia, “recognizes the contribution of faith to French culture, history and society, allows for faith in the public discourse and for government subsidies for faith-based groups.” As France strives to progress beyond its stymieing century-old secular politics, the United States would be unwise to regress to embrace them."

I did LOL a little when I first read this. I have to respectfully disagree that increased secularism would be a step backwards for the U.S. I agree that the government shouldn't concern itself with banning religious symbols and clothing (which was the main point of the French law; it banned niquabs and yarmulkes in schools). In fact, government shouldn't deal in religion at all! Wow! Thank you for making my point for me! And this is the second time you've cited Wikipedia. Someone should have told you that's not a reputable source and if this were a college paper, you'd ge a D.

"French historian Alexis de Tocqueville, in his 1835 work Democracy in America, finds the synergy of faith and politics that he experiences here remarkable; and he concludes that religion in society is necessary to temper government’s propensities to seize authority (or to impose priority) over peoples’ expression of their convictions, and to inhibit peoples’ tendencies to surrender it."

I don't recall this particular summation in Democracy in America, though it's been four years since I read it and the book is 676 pages long. It's likely that deTocqueville was being ironic. He was also found our propensity to sue remarkable, which is impressive when you consider he wrote DIA in 1835. Not to mention American history is littered with instances when the government "seized authority over peoples' expression of their convictions." Where have you been the past eight years? Oh right. You're a Republican. So seizing authority over secularists'/peaceniks'/dissenters'/brown people's expression of their convictions is what the government is supposed to do. As long as your rights aren't being impeded, there's no problem.

"French philosopher Jacques Maritain, a drafter of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights, is quoted at Wikipedia praising the U.S. model of religious freedom in the mid-20th century as superior because it had both 'sharp distinction and actual cooperation' between church and state. He called it 'an historical treasure.' He begged: 'Please to God that you keep it carefully, and do not let your concept of separation veer round to the European one.'"

The mid-20th Century. The mid-20th Century. Hmm...I'm trying to recollect what might have just occured around that time period in Europe that may have contributed to this quote but, damn, my lackluster American education is failing me. I think it was something to do with Jews and golden stars and gas chambers but I'm not sure. Maybe I should check Wikipedia.

It always insults me when religious people somehow try to twist the First Amendment or the writings of the Founding Fathers to support this notion that we're a Christian country (and just an FYI, The Federalist Papers pushing for the ratification of the Constitution were first published as a series of letters to the editors. A series of op-eds started this country!). The first European colonists may have been nutbag Christian fundamentalists but we were not established as a haven for this kind of warped world view. We're a beacon of religious freedom, which includes freedom from religion for millions of us rationalists. Israel is what happens when you "found" a country based on only one religion (and for only one religion).

To quote the late, great Henry David Thoreau, "The government is best which governs the least." So you can worship your invisible space god and I can worship my Richard Dawkins. Live and let live.

You Had Me At 'Demonic Sex'

Oh boy! It's Armageddon Week on the History Channel and I'm in devil heaven. I'm currently watching a program on the Apocrypha and they're discussing Adam's first-wife-turned-bitchass-succubus Lilith. Tonight they're going to air "Seven Signs of the Apocalypse" and I can't fuckin' wait. I think I've seen it before (both the program and the signs) but I'm still looking forward to it...because there's no better way of ushering in a hopeful new year than to watch a series of shows dedicated to dissecting the myriad of ways we can all be killed. Way to piss all over my optimism parade, History Channel!


Switching gears...I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that Barack Obama is actually considering $300 billion in tax cuts. I had the same visceral response to this article as I did when I read that John McCain had selected Sarah Palin as his runningmate: "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me." I am no economic expert, but I do have a memory and seem to recall tax cuts were the first thing George Bush did exactly eight years ago after he took office. Obama's tax cuts are going toward lower and middle-income families, unlike Bush's that went to the genteel, but I'm just stunned. It reminds me of that crackpot "stimulus package" idea Congress had last year to throw $300 at each American to avert a recession. Yeah, great idea. That worked like gangbusters and took $152 billion out of the already gutted Treasury. Let's do it again!

According to the same article, the U.S. economy shed a further 445,000 jobs in December, which was a great way to cap off a year that saw two million other jobs vanish into the ether of Bush's historically shitastic legacy. And that's excellent news for me, who's been looking for gainful employment for months now. Goddammit, George! I swear to Allah, if I have to get a job stocking Barbies and rifles in my local Wal-Mart because you shipped my potential good job to Bangladesh...well, I'm gonna be one pissed off liberal atheist hillbilly. And no one wants that. *shakes fist at screen*

Bush Just Wants To Talk

Top story: George Bush is an asshole and uses meaningless buzz phrases and I want him to go away. George Bush has labeled Hamas' "attack" on Israel an "act of terror" and has called on the U.S. to help stem the trade of weapons to "terrorist groups." George Bush actually said, "The United States is leading diplomatic efforts to achieve a meaningful cease-fire that is fully respected," in his weekly radio address. George Bush said that. Three letters: L, O, and L! I thought you didn't negotiate with terrorists, G-Dub? And what's with this "diplomacy" shit in the Middle East? And since when did you give a fuck about "respect?" Are you going soft on us? What's next, you gonna make out with a dude in public?

Oh wait. Anyway...

This day in history: Exactly one year ago today, Barack Hussein Obama II won the Iowa caucus, effectively ending the "march to coronation" Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was expecting. I was happy when Obama won, because I knew he would be damn near impossible to defeat. My mother, however, was a huge Clinton supporter and didn't seem to understand that her preferred candidate got spanked. I had to explain to her how the caucus system works and even then, she was like, "But when does Hillary go?," like the caucus was an amusement park ride. In fact, my mother is one of those nightmare middle-aged women who almost voted for McCain because she was so bitter. In the end, she voted for Obama but not without a considerable amount of bitching and moaning. I have to admit, I got a little misty-eyed when Obama gave his victory speech. I guess you could say he cast some sort of magical negro spell over me with his oratorical cadence and cavalier black guy style. And I can't believe it was only a year ago! It feels like a decade!

New Year, (Mostly) Same Old Shit

I managed to survive my gin and juice-fueled evening to see the dawning of 2009. I've been awake since 3:47am humming the hypnotic chorus of the eponymous Snoop Dogg song: Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on gin and juice. Yes, I am really, painfully white.

Anyway, I awoke to more than just a headache and a belly full of liquor. Turns out some actual shit has gone down since I passed out last night. First and foremost, today was declared "Sovereignty Day" in Iraq because the U.S. symbolically returned control of the lauded Green Zone over to the Iraqis. The area gets a lot of press because it's the center of the international coalition U.S. presence in Baghdad and supposedly the safest place in Iraq, even though we've heard about tons of suicide bombings going off in it for years. The area is home to our embassy there as well as Saddam's palace, which I saw the inside of when Kathy Griffin toured it on an episode of "My Life on the D-List." And goddamit! I just realized I slept through her New Year's coverage with Anderson Cooper! Shit. Still, this is one of the few "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. If, you know, there are any "feel good" moments of the Iraq war. Accompanying the article I read, there was this poignant image of soldiers hoisting an Iraqi flag up a pole but I thought the Chucky image was funnier.

And in Minnesota, the state supreme court has rejected incumbent Republican Norm Colemen's claims that some of Al Franken's votes were counted twice. Lest you think this shit is over and done with, this ruling just opens the door for lawsuit upon lawsuit. I suspect litigation to be filed by each candidate, party, innocent bystander, and Elian Gonzales. It's not damn likely there will be a winner declared before January 6th, when Congress reconvenes, and it's looking increasingly dim that there will be a winner before January 20th, when the new Congress is sworn in. I say great. As the Devil, I heart Murphy's Law and governmental incompetence. Whoo hoo!

I'm actually looking forward to this new year and hope that B. Hussein Obama (as my Republican friends refer to him) and the Republican-lite new Congress can get to cleanin' up this clusterfuck of a shitfest George The Baptist has left us mired in. Personally, I have a lot of options and my one and only resolution for 09 is to be less of a crybaby bitch. :)

The Year In Bill Maher

I can't think of a better way to sum up the year in politics than this clip of Bill Maher from November 7th talking about Barack The Magic Negro Obama's win and the Republican reaction.

And just for shits and giggles, here's Bill Maher's list of Dickheads of the Year from Rolling Stone's December 07 issue. My favorites (and two things that are timeless in their suckdom) are:

College Republicans: The place where cutthroat, amoral putzes like Karl Rove cut their teeth. They're all staunchly for the Iraq War, although none have volunteered to go, even though they're the same age as the grunts doing the fighting they say is so important. Doughy losers who, at age twenty, care more about tax cuts than girls. And lately they've been holding these "Catch an Illegal Immigrant" parties around the country where they basically play hide-and-seek with one lucky player posing as the wetback. Usually you have to be older and married before you start hating life so much you try to blame the Mexicans for all your problems, don't you?

George W. Bush: Come on, no list of assholes and fuck-ups could be complete without the Dipshit in Chief. Who will tell this president what everyone but him already knows? The theory of evolution. And the times tables. And where the sun goes at night. And that Iraq is going to be three different countries. And that everyone hates us and we've run our military into the ground and the Taliban is back and we still haven't caught bin Laden and the economy is tanking and we wasted eight years blowing the oil companies while the Earth is melting. We had a pretty nice house when this Cat in the Hat of presidents came in and made the mess of all time. And who's going to clean it all up — Rudy Giuliani?

Luckily, no, it wasn't the guy who was fucking there on 9/11. That dumbass got his ass handed to him by a bunch of sundried Florida retirees after a spectacularly inept campaign. No, it's going to be a guy no one outside of Illinois, the Trinity United Church of Christ, and the Internet had even heard of last year at this time. And a black guy no less! Twenty more days!

However, I need to bitch a little about our president-elect. I keep receiving e-mails from his campaign (can we even call it that anymore?) still wanting money for shit, this time to throw the inaugural ball to end inaugural balls. Seriously, B, are you fuckin' kidding me? You raised $700 million in the general! Where the fuck did that go? And I did spot you $15 back in October, dude. That's the best I can do until I can get a job rebuilding infrastructure and a greener America and shizz.

Anyway, Happy New Year. Here's to 09 being slightly less shitty.

Minnesota Is The New Florida

Holy shit. Al Franken just might pulls this thing off. According to my favorite socialist London paper, The Guardian, the former SNL writer is up by 48 whole votes over Republican incumbent Norm Coleman. The recount is still far from over, but in a country where elections are perpetual, that's not surprising. Frankly, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Coleman's peeps are still trying to have the state's supreme court declare the race over in his favor by throwing out some of Franken's votes, claiming they were counted twice (wtf?). I haven't been following the race closely enough, I suppose, but that just sounds like the last gasp of desperation from a lonely, mean Republican. Either that, or this whole shitfight just highlights how insanely fucked up our system still is. Almost exactly eight years after the U.S. Supreme Court coronated George Walker Bush by halting the recount in Florida, it still takes us a month and a half to recount votes that were originally counted over a 12-hour period on Election Day. What. Ever. At least the hanging chads aren't haunting us this time around. Fuck them!

It just amazes me that I can go to Sheetz, a chain of convenience stores here on the East Coast, and get a sandwich by typing my order into computer and get it no problem in five minutes, compete with my beloved mayo and jalapeno peppers. But when it comes to elections, we are not capable of just noting who people voted for and finishing this shit by midnight on November 4th. Recounts! Absentee ballots! Early ballots! Supreme courts! Oh my!

No wonder China's communist. They ain't stupid. :)

The Following Dumb Things Make Me lOLz

-Watching that kickass Iraqi journalist throw his shoes at George Bush's face. It will never get old and gives poignant new meaning to the phrase "shoeicide bomber." But I do have to take issue with the media reporting that his flying shoes represent only Muslim outrage at Bush. Believe me, no one hates Bush more than Americans right now.

-Knowing people are booking rooms in my hometown for Obama's inauguration, even though it's long, lonely, red two and a half hours away from Washington, D.C.

-The final election results from my county. We went almost 2:1 for McSame-Palin.

-The giant leaning Christmas tree downtown. I would have taken a picture but I kept laughing too hard to hold the camera straight. There's also a Santa Claus holding an American flag, which struck me as slightly insane.

-The Republican "outrage" over the Rod Blagojevich thing. And listening to tv hosts continually stumble over "Blagojevich."

-Listening to all the hicks who live in my hometown freak out over Obama's victory. One of them actually said: "I'm scared." What's to be afraid of? He's only the anti-Christ. And why are you afraid of the impending apocalypse? Isn't that what you nutbag Christians are trying to precipitate in the Middle East with your bizarrely vociferous support of Israel? Hell, man, look on the bright side! Obama's gonna be great for the sales of the Left Behind: It All Started November 4, 2008 series!

-Facebook status. It's just so narcissistic and stupid (unlike, say, having a blog where you espouse your worthless opinions). But at least I get to know whenever one of my "friends" is "so sad it's ridiculous" or "laughing so hard because McCain got beat like a cat gets beat down the stairs." (<--- They're real!) I mean, these are mostly people I haven't seen in five years or more and this is all I get about their lives since high school. And if it says anything...aw, fuck it. It doesn't say anything! It's just pointless inanity!

-Dick Cheney nonchalantly admitting he OK'd torture. And that Iraq never had WMDs (remember them?). And our collective indifference to those admissions.

-My mom's reaction to the Caylee Anthony case. OK, even I think it's sad that a two-year-old probably got killed by her mother, but my mom is acting like it's the first time the media has blown a filicide case out of proportion. I think she also views it as a reason she's a good mom, like I should be thanking her for not chloroforming me as a toddler. Uh, thanks Mom.

-Conservative bloggers. Get on talk radio! The blogosphere is our thing!

-Procrastination. I went to the big city today (Hagerstown, Maryland, population: 39,640) and every discount store I went to was packed with lazy (yet pushy and vicious) last-minute shoppers. While I was sitting in traffic waiting to leave the mall parking lot, I couldn't believe we're going through the worst economic crisis in 80 years. It certainly isn't keeping people out of the mall or off the roads. The way the media portrays it, every single American is spending the holiday season cowering in terror and hoarding their pennies in their soon-to-be-repossessed homes.

-That Iraqi journalist throwing his shoes at George Bush's face! You're my hero, man!