10 Out Of 10 Historians Agree: Bush Sucked Ass

Historians recently released their rankings of our past 42 presidents and ole Abe Lincoln comes in at numero uno. James Buchanan, Lincoln's predecessor and the man who allowed the country to slip into the Civil War (and also our only bachelor president), comes in last. But who cares!

The best part of this new poll is where our favorite retarded president ranks. George W. Bush comes in at 36th; 36 of 42. I loves it. He ranked 41 out of 42 in international relations and 40 out of 42 in economic management. The Decider received his highest ranking- 24th - in "pursuing equal justice for all." Uh, yeah. Other than Gitmo and the Patriot Act and the Iraq war, I guess that could possibly be true. Possibly. Of course, 24/42 is an F, so it doesn't bother me.

I, of course, think Bush is our worst president ever but I'm content with his 36th place. Hopefully he'll continue to slide down the rankings as history continues to reveal what a breathtaking failure he was. Interestingly, Slick Willy rose from 21st place to 15th; it's nice to see how history and its judges have matured over the past ten years. And I say "matured" because I'm sure Monica was responsible for Clinton's lower initial ranking. Way to go, history nerds!

See You In Hell, George (Plus A Meme!)

George Bush will give his farewell address tonight. Will I watch it? Um, no way. As the devil, I've had his number for years now and am warming a special place for him in Hades right next to my fiery ass. I'm sharpening my pitchfork and readying the other assholes in hell for his arrival.

That and I already know what he's going to say. Something along the lines of: "I'm the bestest president ever cause I dun crusaded agin' them Moose-lims who dun did Nine, One One. The Iraqistanis are liberated now and Afghanisland is Talibani free. I dun came in with a lousy economy and am leavin' y'all with a lousy economy. It ain't my fault. It's Clinton's. Now Laura and me are goin' back to Crawford Dallas to enjoy a kickass retirement. I might write me a autobiography about all the great stuff I dun decided on as president or I might start drinkin' again. Who knows? The world's my oil-ster! Nyuck nyuck! That was a joke! Git it? Jesus loves ya! Buh-bye, Bush 43."

And now for a meme. Like Can I just Say, I am far too cool to own an ipod so I had to settle with shuffling my iTunes. I'm sure you were worried about that. :)

Rules​

1. Put your iPod/​iTune​s on shuff​le.​

2. For each quest​ion,​ press​ the next butto​n to get your answe​r.

3. YOU MUST WRITE​ THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTE​R HOW SILLY​ IT SOUND​S!​

4. Tag 3 people to complete this!

IF SOMEO​NE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY"​ YOU SAY?
"Is She Weird"- Pixies

WHAT WOULD​ BEST DESCR​IBE YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​
"Take A Bow"- Madonna (Yes! I am the coolest person in Appalachia, so you better bow down to the queen. Recognize, fool!)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/​GIRL?​
"Satin in a Coffin"- Modest Mouse

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'​S PURPO​SE?
"Raw Power"- The Stooges

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO​?​
"Violet"- Hole ("and the sky was all violet / I want again but violent more violent" Yes!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIEN​DS THINK​ OF YOU?
"The First Taste"- Fiona Apple

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ ABOUT​ VERY OFTEN​?​
"Rape Me"- Nirvana (not very often, I swear)

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR BEST FRIEN​D?​
"Tromple le Monde"- Pixies

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"Blue Jean"- David Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY​?​
"Gutless"- Hole (that's actually pretty accurate)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"700 Mile Situation"- Res

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSO​N YOU LIKE?​
"O'Sailor"- Fiona Apple ("oh sailor why you'd do it / what'd you do that for")

WHAT DO YOUR PAREN​TS THINK​ OF YOU?
"Monkey Gone To Heaven"- Pixies ("if man is five, if man is five, if man is five / then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six" Cute.)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE​ TO AT YOUR WEDDI​NG?​
"My Prerogative"- Britney Spears

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNER​AL?​
"Rabbit Fur Coat"- Jenny Lewis (the COOLEST song in my catalogue)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGE​ST SECRE​T?​
"Spanish Caravan"- The Doors

WHAT DO YOU THINK​ OF YOUR FRIEN​DS?​
"Goodbye Blue Sky"- Pink Floyd

WHAT'​S THE WORST​ THING​ THAT COULD​ HAPPE​N?​
"About A Girl"- Nirvana ("I take advantage while / you hang me out to dry / but I can't see you every night for free")

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Intimate Secretary"- The Ranconteurs

WHAT IS ONE THING​ YOU REGRE​T?​
"Me Against The Music"- Britney Spears feat. Madonna

WHAT MAKES​ YOU LAUGH​?​
"Allison"- Pixies

WHAT MAKES​ YOU CRY?
"Store Bought Bones"- The Ranconteurs

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRI​ED?​
"Erotica"- Madonna (haha)

DOES ANYON​E LIKE YOU?
"Extraordinary Machine"- Fiona Apple (A girl can hope)

IF YOU COULD​ GO BACK IN TIME,​ WHAT WOULD​ YOU CHANG​E?​
"Melt Your Heart"- Jenny Lewis

WHAT HURTS​ RIGHT​ NOW?
"Sunshowers"- M.I.A. ("you wanna go? / you wanna win a war? / Like PLO, I don't surrendo" That's a little topical and odd.)

And I tag alana, haworth, and ambles. C'mon. You know you wanna waste time on this shit. ;)

Cletus Says: Bush Isn't Totally Incompetent

This morning started off like many before it. I awoke after five hours of restless sleep pissed off, groggy, and in dire need of a bigass pot of coffee. But there was one slight difference: I happen to awaken in the Fox News Twilight Zone Where America Is Awesome All The Time. The front page of my hometown newspaper has a photo of an African woman and the following article summary: "Aid worker Sweetness Mzolisa poses at the Nocingile day care center in Khayelitsha, South Africa. From a windowless shed, Mzolisa leads a chorus of praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush." At first I thought I was hallucinating; after all, I didn't fall asleep until damn near 5 am today and once I did, I had a succession of horrifying nightmares involving the Twin Towers, dead fish, The Joker, and blogging (fuck!). But no, my hometown paper actually has the words, "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush," written in one non-ironic sentence.

I'm not going to lie; I didn't read the rest of the article because I didn't want to induce more nightmares. I calmly and rationally concluded that I had indeed awoken in an alternate reality and went about my business with this knowledge. I don't want to know why she thinks that and I don't care. I know the people who write for this paper have been waiting eight years to crank out that phrase- "praise of an international hero: U.S. president George W. Bush"- and figured with eight days left, they might as well contribute to this notion that Bush wasn't a complete giant fuck-up failure incompetent idiot infantile moron (commas are for pussies).

Moving on to similar bullshit...I read last night that Obama might not bother with investigating the Bush administration for its war crimes. He said we should look forward and not in the past and all that other fuckery he thinks will ingratiate himself with the Republicans (note to B: they think you're the anti-Christ! They don't want to be your friend, they want Jesus to slay you!). I cannot even stomach the idea that Bush -n- company might get away with their shit. Another note to B: the GOP appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the activities of Bill Clinton's penis. Please don't tell me you've surrendered your balls like every other Democrat on the Hill. Appoint me to look into it! I'll do it for free! Shit! If we can paralyze and immobilize the entire government by forcing them to look into Monica's mouth, we can sure as hell set up a House committee to look into waterboarding and rendition and Enron and Halliburton and Guantanomo and the bullshit Iraq "intelligence" and turning the judicial branch into a foaming-at-the-mouth, neo-con cabal of historical revisionist Constitution rapists and etc etc etc. B, seriously. Please send the message to the world and future generations that war crimes are at least as important as ejaculate. It might be nice to remind the world- and ourselves- that we are indeed a First World country in the 21st Century and not the Roman Empire feeding Muslims to the lions for our entertainment. But maybe it's just me.

The Audacity of Audacity

Well, it's day eleven of Israel doing it's defendin' thang against them asshole idiot goat-fuckin' terrorists in Gaza, in case you haven't been keeping score. Or watching TV. Or surfing the Internet. So the Israelis attacked a school yesterday, killing 39 civilians. Big deal. That's where Hamas was hiding! Oh wait, no Palestinian militants were killed in that school attack? Well, *huffs* well, I heard that they were shooting at armed forces in the Israeli military! I mean, when armed forces in the military are shot at, you're supposed to respond by killing children! Israel has lost ten whole people since this started. Ten! Oh, there's been 670 Palestinian causalities? Dayum.

Yeah, I'm not sure how much longer our idiotic defense of Israel's actions can last given these incredibly lopsided numbers. It's getting more psychotic by the day to hear Israel whine about being a victim of periodic Hamas rocket attacks in civilian areas when they're the ones doing the constant rocketin' into schools and hospitals now.

But I happen to read something the other day that totally incensed me, and also offended and bemused me. I spent a while on the Jerusalem Post website in an attempt to stay fair and balanced like Bill O'Reilly when I came across an op-ed written by woman who actually insinuated that because Barack Obama hasn't said much on this conflict, it could force Israel to act hastily before Bush leaves to get what they want because Bush is Jew-friendly. Maybe I'm too outraged to get her true meaning, but I sincerely believe she is trying to blame some of their actions on Barack Obama's silence on this conflict. Barack Obama. The man who, in 13 days will become U.S. president. Not Israel's. God, what a Republican way to argue something! 9/11 is Bill Clinton's fault, even though G-Dub was in office at the time, and now this shit is Obama's fault when he's not even in a position to do anything about it yet! The woman said he should come out screaming in support of Israel and reaffirm America and Israel's special relationship. Bitch, we have one special relationship and it's with our mama England. Take a number.

And lest you think it's just Jews who are batshit nuts and blaming Obama for this current mess, today al-Qaeda number two Ayman al-Zawahiri said, and this is a direct fucking quote, "This is Obama whom the American machine of lies tried to portray as the rescuer who will change the policy of America. He kills your brothers and sisters in Gaza mercilessly and without affection." I've reread this sentence several times and I think I've succeeded in giving myself a slight stroke. I thought Obama was in D.C. working on the stimulus package; I didn't realize he was personally mowing down children in Gaza, and without affection no less! You think Perez Hilton would have posted a picture of that by now, maybe with a little cum dribbling down Obama's chin as he bayonets a small Muslim child. Of course, this is the same al-Zawahiri who called Obama a "house negro" or something to that effect after his victory in November and said he was a disgrace to "honorable" black Americans like Malcolm X. But it sounds nutty, even for a group as apeshit as al-Qaeda.

This day in history: Twenty nine years ago, Jimmy Carter gave $1.5 billion in loans to Chrysler, which the company was able to pay off in three years with the help of Lee Iacocca and his glorious, groundbreaking, genius mini-van concept. -Do you hear the choir of angels?- The mini-van would become a revolution in the auto industry and provide suburban soccer moms with a larger, 80s version of the station wagon that's still annoyingly cliche well into the 21st Century. That Iacocca prick's still alive, so they should dust him off and install him back as CEO. All he has to do is reinvent the wheel to save the American auto industry. And by "reinvent the wheel," I mean rip off those fuckin' Japs he so loathes.

Bush Just Wants To Talk

Top story: George Bush is an asshole and uses meaningless buzz phrases and I want him to go away. George Bush has labeled Hamas' "attack" on Israel an "act of terror" and has called on the U.S. to help stem the trade of weapons to "terrorist groups." George Bush actually said, "The United States is leading diplomatic efforts to achieve a meaningful cease-fire that is fully respected," in his weekly radio address. George Bush said that. Three letters: L, O, and L! I thought you didn't negotiate with terrorists, G-Dub? And what's with this "diplomacy" shit in the Middle East? And since when did you give a fuck about "respect?" Are you going soft on us? What's next, you gonna make out with a dude in public?

Oh wait. Anyway...

This day in history: Exactly one year ago today, Barack Hussein Obama II won the Iowa caucus, effectively ending the "march to coronation" Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was expecting. I was happy when Obama won, because I knew he would be damn near impossible to defeat. My mother, however, was a huge Clinton supporter and didn't seem to understand that her preferred candidate got spanked. I had to explain to her how the caucus system works and even then, she was like, "But when does Hillary go?," like the caucus was an amusement park ride. In fact, my mother is one of those nightmare middle-aged women who almost voted for McCain because she was so bitter. In the end, she voted for Obama but not without a considerable amount of bitching and moaning. I have to admit, I got a little misty-eyed when Obama gave his victory speech. I guess you could say he cast some sort of magical negro spell over me with his oratorical cadence and cavalier black guy style. And I can't believe it was only a year ago! It feels like a decade!

A Rant In Historical Perspective

On this day ten years ago, the House of Representatives voted to impeach Bill Clinton based on his perjury, obstruction of justice, and abuse of power during the Lewinsky scandal. Lead by moral crusader Henry Hyde, who himself engaged in a five-year long affair with a married woman with children, the bills of impeachment barely passed and solely along party lines.

I remember this shit. I remember supporting Clinton's impeachment only because I wanted to tell my kids someday, "Yeah, I lived through a presidential impeachment." Of course, I was 13 years old and didn't understand that "impeachment" and "removal from office" are two totally different legal concepts. Clinton, of course, was never removed from office; that vote in the Senate barely failed and solely along party lines.

I don't think I need to get into how utterly ridiculous the whole Lewinsky thing is vis-a-vis everything that's happened under Bush. But it just highlights this theory of mine that we allow Republicans to get away with things we'd never allow Democrats to even think about. I vaguely remember how outraged Republicans were at the Monica thing and at Clinton's "complete disrespect of the law." I concretely remember how Bush's "complete disrespect of the law" post-9/11 didn't bother the GOP in the slightest. Wiping his ass with the Constitution? Silence. Making shit up about WMDs in Iraq? Silence. Fucking torturing guys? Silence.

Actually, they haven't been silent. They've been vociferously in favor of all that, or at the very least complicit in its perpetuation. What a difference ten years can make! Ten years ago, if you sat in front of the U.S. Congress and made shit up about an embarrassing private fuck-up, you were excoriated and held up as an example of the moral decay we godless liberals started in the 60s. Today, if you sit in front of the U.S. Congress the United fucking Nations and make shit up to get us into an illegal, unnecessary, unwinable war, you're hailed as a hero who's "kept us safe."

"Everything changed on 9/11," they whine. No it didn't. Or at least it didn't have to. How many of you think that if Bush were a Democrat who lied to everyone's faces about Iraq's capabilities to manufacture weapons and its "airtight" ties to 9/11 and Osama bin Laden, then invaded the country on those pretenses, then have it be revealed everything he ever said about the reasons for war was bullshit, then have said war devolve into a chaotic shitfight with Iraqi insurgents and a nascent al-Qaeda base, then change the reasons for war to fluffy sounding crap like "liberation" and "spreading democracy," that he would have survived politically for more than a second after declaring "mission accomplished" in his dumb, fake jumpsuit? If Bush the Democrat tried this shit, we would have impeached him, removed him from office, and deleted him from the White House homepage before "American Idol" that night.

OK, this is getting long but one last point. I think it was just last week, Dick Cheney did an interview where he basically admitted that he knew the pre-war intelligence was made-up nonsense and that an invasion of Iraq had been planned before 9/11. He said that even knowing then what we all know now, he still would have pushed to invade Iraq. He also casually admitted to authorizing torture at Gitmo. And the response from the Republican peanut gallery? "Bush kept us safe!" Yeah, safe from our rights, prosperity, science, our allies, and our once pretty damn good global standing.

Yeah, Clinton is a scumbag in a lot of ways but come the fuck on! How goddamn quaint does his impeachment seem now! It's almost cute how in 1998, the Republicans made it sound like the biggest threat to national security was Bill Clinton's penis. It was also in 1998 that al-Qaeda bombed those two American embassies in Africa and bin Laden issued his second fatwa against the U.S. It makes one wonder what better things the FBI could have been investigating instead of Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp, and seimen samples from a blue dress. Thanks, Republicans! I'll always remember how your party "kept us safe" in the 21st Century.

*Yawn*

Time magazine has named our next president as Person of the Year in its annual issue. And yeah, that's not the right cover. This cover is from 2006 and note the title of the article: "Why Barack Obama Could Be The Next President." Come on! Two years ago, we were all laughing at that shit! A brotha? Are you kidding? The next president all the way back then was maybe going to be Hillary or quite possibly Rudy Guiliani (because he was fucking there on 9/11). Barack Obama? Shit, with that name he should be glad he made it to the Senate. And that was before we even knew his middle name. I mean, the fact that we were even considering Hillary as a viable candidate was too much for most of America. A white woman as president? Whoa whoa whoa there, little lady! Why can't you bitches just be glad one of yous is Speaker of the House? Leave the commander in chiefin' to the men. ROAR!

Anyway, that was before Obama kicked the shit out of Hillary and John Edwards in the Iowa caucases, before the country got used to his booming smokers' voice speechifyin' about hope and shit in packed stadiums coast to coast, before the youtube videos and "grassroots" Internet campaigning. Before the $700 million raised and the Obamamania...OK, you get it.

As I've written before, I'm glad he won. I'm really really really glad he won. But this is such a boring, predictable, political choice by Time. Not as political as selecting Rudy Guiliani over Osama bin Laden in 2001 (bin Laden was the original choice but the Time peeps pussied out at the last minute) but it's just expected. Just to be an asshole, I would have picked Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh and written articles about how their brand of hate, "anti-intellectual pride" (David Cross quote, I loves it!), and lowest common denominator bullshit brilliantly backfired this year. I then would have parlayed that into how America is changing and shit, you know, the stuff we progressives love to hear.

But seriously, I hope this will be the last of the Obama apotheosis pieces and we can get down to the business of being more skeptical and critical of his decisions. The election's over, America has climaxed, and now we're waiting to see how our baby develops. Obama has a lot on his plate, which means he actually has to do shit. And a lot of it. Let's leave Obama the Celebrity in '08, please?

Top Ten Best Things About 2008 (10-5)

OK, so I've noticed the tone of my previous posts is dark, bitter, bitchy, and depressing. I'm going to attempt to stay on the light side with this one and countdown the 10 best things of the year in my not-so-humble opinion. 10-5:

10) Bush's last year!

9) Obama surprises everyone by winning the Iowa caucuses, proves the Internet isn't just for porn addicts and fat virgin bloggers.

8) "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. goes Top Ten (I adore her because she makes real, weird music), upsetting the natural order of popular music being shit.

7) Barriers Are Broken- from Clinton and Obama to (yes, even) Sarah Palin, 2008 was a serious year for civil rights.

6) "The Dark Knight" proves all the good movies weren't just made in the 30s.

5) Sarah Palin keeps talking, proving with every word how incompetent she is.

There's Only One President at a Time

OK, B. We know. You don't have to say it everytime you're on tv or giving one of your youtube speeches. Of course, it'd be great if Bush would abdicate right now. I was thinking that pretty vehemently during that shit in India last week. I can't wait until it's popular, fresh-faced B. Hussein Obama talking down countries rather than flaming asshole hypocrite George Bush. 45 more days! And you know Dude could still invade Iran.

Sort of piggybacking off of yesterday's post, I was conversing recently with a Republican friend of mine who isn't a huge fan of our president-elect. And it suddenly hit me then that now I am able to use all those sore winner phrases on Republicans that they were so fond of four years ago. So I told this friend, "You lost, get over it" and "This is America, love it or leave it." And it was everything I thought it could be. Being a prick is bipartisan, bitch!

Moving on to horrific economic news, the current US unemployment is 6.7% and the big boys predict it could hit as high as 10% by early next year. While this is definitely shitty news, it's not going to get as high as the 25-30% it was at the height of the Great Depression. *whew* For a second, I thought George Bush had turned us into France.

Man, fuck this decade. I prefer to live in the 90s that still exists in my own warped mind. I lionize the 90s the way Republicans masturbate gently over black and white images of the 50s. I loved the 90s: The Secret World of Alex Mac, Clarissa Explains It All, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, My Brother and Me, All That, Ren and Stimpy, Hey Arnold, Beverly Hills 90210 (which totally owned The fucking O.C.). *sighs* Here's a little ode to the 90s:

No WMDs!

It's nice to have confirmation of something many people across the world have known since March of last year; there were no WMDs in Iraq. Of course, Bush -n- comany will still say that the Iraq war was worth it, but hopefully America will see that they've lied to us. WMDs was the reason for war, not simply the capacity to build weapons and a hatred of America (like Iraq is the only country in that category). There's a pretty big difference in what Bush said and what the reality is. And to think, just six years ago, the Republicans wanted to impeach Clinton for lying about an extra-marital affair...