Breaking News: Michael Jackson Is Still Dead

Michael Jackson died on Thursday, in case you've been under a rock... on Mars ... with your fingers in your ears and your eyes firmly slammed shut. I'd like to preface my comments by stating I am a fan- I heart MJ's musical prowess, dancing ability, and all around icon status. He was awesome. But come the fuck on. The media is acting like it's 1983 and the man was at the height of his fame. And they're also acting like there's absolutely nothing else going on in the world that they could possibly be covering- from the worst recession since World War II down to the never-ending conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq. I've had to glean the "important" news from the goddamn CNN news ticker, which is like reading a televised version of Twitter. You try piecing together the recent developments in Iran via choppy, sentence-fragmented, tiny font bullshit while "Billie Jean" blasts in the background... while waiting for the coveted interview with the L.A. County Coroner who personally handled Jackson's decaying corpse. Long live the 24/7 news cycle and the pointless filler that comprises it.

NRA 4Ever

There was a shooting at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. today. Apparently, some white supremacist entered with a rifle and began opening fire on visitors, killing a security guard and injuring two others.

Where to even begin with this story? First of all, lol @ the notion of white supremacy in the United States. I do believe this continent was populated by natives who, you know, weren't so white centuries before white Europeans even knew this half of the world existed. Some of these not-so-white natives, like the Inca and Maya, were light years more advanced than the Europeans of the day. And lol @ the notion of white supremacy in general, seeing as how the human race began in Africa. White people are the mutants, having all the melanin sucked out of our skin by living in cold, rainy climates in northern Europe. We're the freaks! lolz, anyway...

Secondly, I hope the shooter realizes that not everyone who visits the Holocaust Museum is a Jew. I'm just sayin'. And how ridiculously ironic will it be if it's revealed his victims are white?

I was sure this would just be another in a long line of rampage shootings that dominates the headlines for a news cycle and then just goes away without us having applied what we learned from it, if anything. But I was wrong, at least so far. On the MSN website, the article about Miss California losing her title has more views that the article on this story. Anywayz, I'm sure the NRA is already planning a rally at the Holocaust Museum and state legislatures in the South are prepping to undo the few gun control measures they have because if there's anything random shootings should tell us, it's that we need less gun control in this country.

I'm Not A Cynic, I'm Just A Realist

Well, today was an interesting day. I woke up to find General Motors had filed for Chapter 11, so now the failed auto company is basically owned by the U.S. government. Obama and his economic people plan to make the company viable again but in the immortal words of Bill Maher, "presidents aren't magicians, not even Chocolate Jesus." (hehe) I'd hate to see the U.S. auto industry go down- this depression has lasted long enough- but I drive a Toyota with a 10-year/100,000 mile warranty. I won't be shedding any tears if the Hummer gets discontinued. Or the Yukon. Or any of the other expensive, inefficient, shitty SUVs that ran the company into the ground in the first place. GMC is just another relic of the fading American Empire that was crushed by its own avarice and excess. Having the government take it over for a while is what it deserves.

My other favorite story today was that the Taliban kidnapped, like, hundreds of kids in Pakistan. Which is impressive and horrifying, when you consider the Taliban have been annexing large tracts of land over the past few weeks and are a mere 60 miles from the Pakistani capital of Islamabad, which is where they happen to house the nuclear weapons that country possesses. OK, I thought the Taliban were soooo 2001. I thought al-Qaeda, swine flu, and Susan Boyle were the big foreign invaders we had to fear now. Oh yeah, then there's North Korea testing a-bombs and shitting all over ceasefire treaties. So thanks, Bush, for being too morally upstandin' to negotiate with terrorists. But hey, at least they haven't followed us home. Of course, they won't need to since most nukes are remote controlled.

All this and it's only June 1st.

An Ode To True Patriots

Happy Memorial Day! It's America's favorite socialist holiday to celebrate the sacrifices made in the quest to defeat fascism and communism. Just so you don't think I'm ungrateful, I already lit a candle or two for the brave and courageous souls at Fox News who slave tirelessly to bring down the tyrannical President Obama and his band of communist cut throats in Congress. The patriotic sacrifices of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly need to be recognized, for their military records and years of public service allowed them to become the astute political commentators they are today. While past generations had to actually do stuff to be considered patriots, this gang figured out that simply saying stuff was good enough to illustrate one's loyalty to this great nation of ours. They truly took to heart the motto of my high school: "Words, Not Deeds." Wait, it's the other way around. Anyway.

In sum, true sacrifice is for terrorists and tax and spend liberals. The only thing we should require of our citizenry to win future wars is that they slap the "support our troops" magnets on their SUVs and memorize talking points. Classics include: "We're fighting them over there so they don't follow us home," "The oil will pay for the war," and "Mission accomplished." Allah Bless America.

Jon and Kate Plus Lying Bullshit

My favorite recent story from the pop culture front has to be the cheating allegations dogging America's favorite breeders Jon and Kate Gosselin. The Gosselins, of course, have an insanely popular show on TLC that follows their lives as parents to a set of eight-year-old twins and a set of five-year-old sextuplets and all the wacky hijinks that ensue. And also about how stressful it is to have so many kids all the same age. And how stressed Mom and Dad are. In fact, there's a lot of stress in the show, which is fairly amusing to me considering how they refused selective reduction on their sextuplets because abortion makes god cry (although apparently he's cool with people subverting his will by abusing science to conceive a litter of little premie ankle biters). Gee, ya think having so many kids might make you go a touch apeshit? Or want to fuck around on your spouse?

I clearly know too much about this show. I admit I got sucked into some episodes in the earlier seasons because goddamn, those kids are freakin' adorable! But now it's all about product placements and skiing trips to Utah and million-dollar mansions. Since Mom and Dad don't have to have to work to pay the bills anymore, they quit budgeting and taking family trips to Sam's Club and doing whatever other "normal" shit that people identified with. Now they have to fill their free time with banging their bodyguards and partying with college kids (allegedly). Because, gat dam it, having eight children eight years and under just doesn't eat up your time the way you'd think it would!

I have zero sympathy for Jon and Kate. I've read a few articles/blog entries online about how bad people feel for Jon and how much of a pushy bitch Kate is but they're both adults. If Jon doesn't want to be a reality tv star anymore, then he can tell the cameras to leave and get a real job to support his family. But look on the bright side- all this publicity has to be terrific for the new season, which conveniently premieres this Monday and conveniently happens to be all about their recent marital travails. And I'm sure I'll be watching and waiting to judge.

The Bitch Is Back

Yeah, it's been a while. I actually tried my hand at Twitter for half a minute, just to see if its 140-character limit could more acutely hold my attention span, but it wasn't meant to e-be. I found myself yearning for the bad old days (re: a few months ago) when I wasted all my time on ye olde Common Nonsense. And now I have RETURNED!! *maniacal laughter*

Just wanted to comment on a few stories/events from the past few weeks:

1) Miss California. It never ceases to astound me how much emphasis we place on the opinions of random dumbasses. Whether it's Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, or Rush Limbaugh, we're always clamoring to dissect, debate, dismiss or deify the utterly inane comments of the utterly idiotic.

2) The Gay Marriage Wave In New England (And Fuckin' Iowa). This is something that totally caught me off guard in a completely terrific way. Who would have thought that the same state that launched Mike Huckabee into the national spotlight would have legalized gay marriage before California? Or New York? Or my home state of Maryland? We got some work to do to regain our commie crowns, *AHEM*

3) The Tea Parties of Last Month. Apparently nothing bothers Republicans more than the Democrats doing exactly what they do- namely spending shitloads of federal money. I was both amused and nonplussed while watching the Fox News coverage of the "tea party" protests of last month. While touted as a "non-partisan" event by proponents, I couldn't help but notice the crowds looked very white and very middle-aged. Favorite sign I spotted: "Obama bin-Lyin." Good to know the Republican Party is attempting to foster a new post-racial image to capture the hearts and minds of a new generation of voters. That sign is almost as good as when people were screaming "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" at McCain/Palin rallies last year. Almost.

4) Mark Your Calendars! A New Supreme Court Shitfight Is Afoot! Oh come on. Who isn't looking forward to this?! I always love the abortion litmus test that no one every really says is about abortion but we all know is about abortion. And just because I'm sexist, racist and a heterophobe, I hope Obama puts a black or Latina lesbian on the court. Nah seriously, it's about goddamn time the Democrats get to put a dude or chick on the Court after two George W. Bush apointees. Not that the Supreme Court should be politicized...that would be WRONG. ;)

I Hope Hope Is A Plan

I have a confession to make- I am really an optimist at heart. Yeah, underneath the facade of (genuine) cynicism and wariness, I usually conclude that things don't suck most of the time. Unfortunately- and all too commonly- this underlying rosiness gets pissed the fuck off.

Like all good Obamunist liberals, I want to believe our president and his Democratic Congress can fix all that ails our dying country. And quickly. But I also know that the news is getting worse by the New York millisecond- GM is laying off 47,000 workers in one month, the Stock Market has had its worst two-month opening ever, GDP is at its slowest pace in 27 years, etc. And that's just the shit I can remember off the top of my head.

I'm beginning to believe that there's little anyone can do for the US of A except let this shitstream of failure continue. I watched part of Obama's address to Congress this week and while I love the oratory (I always do), it just seemed like more of a pep rally than a plan. Yeah, I know the stimulus got through, but it's going to take years to measure what, if any, positive effect that has on the economy. I did like how Obama challenged Americans to get more schooling and whatnot but what difference does having a college degree make if there aren't any "good" jobs to be had? I'll answer that question from personal experience: it don't make a damn difference.

Anyway, I know the economy will recover because it always does. And I also know that it's too early to call America completely out of the race. With a constant flow of immigrants, America is poised to remain the third most populous country in 2050- with an estimated 438 million people- while most of the populations of other industrialized nations will fall by that year. Fuck, we're like Jason- just when you think you've killed us for the seventy billionth time in the fourteenth sequel, we snap back to cut someone else's head off. We'll be hanging around like uninvited houseguest we are, just hopefully without the unwarranted go-to-hell attitude.